mhmbanThe men of the WWE haven’t been too chummy lately. Man hugs have been in short supply and even when I have spotted them, they haven’t been heartfelt enough to stick in my memory. Thank heavens for Dave Batista and Rey Mysterio who, within just a few minutes of chatter on this week’s Smackdown managed to embrace with feeling three times. Man hugs are just like British buses… you wait forever for one and then three show up at once. Observe:

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Can't

get

get

enough

enough

And just for good measure, they threw an extra one in at the end of the show too. Bless their hearts. What better way to recover from a CM Punk sneak attack than a little snuggle.

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All hail the return on man hugs!

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Rey and Ray…..destined never to meet

So there I was, making my way in to town on my lunch break, walking quickly because I only get an hour to be back at my desk. I was almost at my spiritual home, Queen Street,  when the Keith Urban track I had been strutting along to on my iPod began to fade. The phone was ringing.  It was my brother. What did he have to say?

REY MYSTERIO IS IN HMV!

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AAAAAAARHH! I thought he was winding me up.  I thought I might get there and find my brother standing in the doorway in a Lucha Libre mask. But no, Rey really was in HMV. I hung up the phone, threw it in my bag and hot-footed it down Queen Street. If I got to press palms with Rey, it would totally make up for the fact that I couldn’t attend any of this week’s British WWE shows. Yeh, I know…..wah-wah-wah! Poor me.

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I got to HMV and started casing the joint like I was head of CSI Cardiff. Ok, ok, let me see here. Line of people waiting…..lots of peeps in wrestling t-shirts milling about….not-so-burly security monkies ushering fans in to a metal grid like a collie herding ewes……just need to see what time this whole shabang kicks off.

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I located the poster…………

3:30pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I had to be back in my crumby office in about 40 minutes and it was only 1:20pm. I was DEVASTED! I mean, come on, how am I supposed to just sit in my office signing off letters to people who don’t care about their contents when Rey Mysterio….Mr. 619 himself…….. is signing off WWE Encyclopedias a 15 minute walk away? Seriously, you be trippin’.

I love Rey. We’ve got the same name and, ok, the spelling is slighty off and mine is kind of a nickname for my full name, but still. Whether you’re  a Ray or a Rey……we Rays gots an unspoken bond. Aaaaand he’s little. Short.  Tiny.  Like me. He probably has trouble seeing the stage at gigs (like me), his jeans probably drag along the pavement because standard jeans are too long (like me) and he no doubt has to suffer tall guys pressing their sweaty armpits in to his face when crushed on to a packed commuter train (like me).

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Alright, so he probably doesn’t spend much time on public transport, but I’m sure if I got the chance to discuss this issue with him he’d TOTALLY get it. ‘Cause we’d be tight like that.  If, you know, I ever got the opportunity to have a pow-wow with him. Ray and Rey Talk it Out…….sounds like an excellent title for a talk show.

I hung around the HMV area for a while, looking  like a lost puppy, not knowing what to do with myself. I knew I had to go back to work and yet I could not tear myself away.  Almost like waving someone off at the airport. You know you gotta go and yet you don’t wanna vacate the terminal until their plane had taken off. I called my brother to inform him that life pretty much sucks and in a cruel but kind of comical move he reminded me of that classic Simpsons episode where Homer goes in to space. Remember? Yes you do. Towards the middle off the episode Homer starts doubting whether he should go in to the cosmos or not…..as you do. The conversation ends something like this……………..

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Homer: You’re right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, ‘I’ll go a little later, I’ll go a little later…’ And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he’ll ever come back again, he said he didn’t know. Well, I’m never going to let something like that happen again!

ME = Homer

REY = Mr. T

I work on the premace that everything in my life has appeared in or can be explained by an episode of either The Simpsons or Seinfeld. Expect more references as we go along this Wrestlegasm journey together. Let’s hold hands.

I called my boyfriend and whined down the phone to him about my misfortune. I moaned about all the people wandering around in wrestling t-shirts.  “Those are your people, Ray!” he guffawed down the phone. He tried to persuade me to ditch going back to work but it couldn’t be done. Blue of soul and heavy of heart I began sauntering my way back up Queen Street to make my way back to work.  I shuffled my way past the growing line of people spewing out of HMV.  If any of these people are you….Hi. I hate you.

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I can only think that these people are one of the following:

  1. Unemployed
  2. Students skipping lectures
  3. Children expelled from school for doing knee drops on each other in the playground
  4. Homeless folk mistakenly thinking they’ve found the soup kitchen line

Lucky buggers!

Forgetting why I’d actually walked in to town in the first place and realising I still hadn’t had any lunch, I made my way in to the nearest Starbucks and ordered a grande Earl Grey with two tea-bags to cheer myself up. I had a quick look around to see if any of the wrestlers had popped in for a discreet soy latte. Well, you never know. I could have asked them to sign my cup. Alas, they did not appear. Maybe choosing the Starbucks opposite Pound-Land was a poor choice for wrestlegasm chasing. Cheapie shops don’t usually attract celebs.

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The Earl Grey with two teabags did not cheer me up. In fact, my lid was leaky and dripped brown gunk all over my light grey linen trousers. I later found that those same trousers also managed to pick up someone’s berry-flavour chewing gum off the pavement on my way back to the office. Why do you hate me, universe?

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I tried listening to Keith Urban singing Romeo’s Tune…..that always makes me feel light and airy. Nope! Not today. So I slipped in to full drama queen mode and listened to Carrie Underwood singing Just a Dream – possibly some of the saddest lyrics ever penned. The chorus goes a little something like this:

Baby why’d you leave me
Why’d you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know
I can’t even breathe
It’s like I’m looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody’s saying, he’s not coming home now
This can’t be happening to me
This is just a dream

Ok, so this song is actually about a woman attending her soldier-husband’s military funeral. A little bit more traumatic than my situation. Ok, I feel bad about that now. Sorry about that. I’d cut it out, but I am telling a true story here.

I’ll laugh about this one day. One day….when I’m at Wrestlemania with my Media Pass swinging around my neck. The Media Pass that Vince McMahon put in my hand himself. That last part was a step too far. Lovely daydream though.

I’ll catch you next time you’re in town, Rey. Just gimme a buzz. The soy lattes are on me, babe. Yeeees, you can have yours in a cup with your face on it. *rolls eyes* Wrestlers, eh?

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RAW(lite) – the wrestling N.Y.D

So, this post is kind of late in the week, but what with the mammoth Wrestlemania post and setting up the new site and, you know, normal life, this is the first chance I’ve had to write it.  The first Raw after Wrestlemania is always a strange affair.  It’s like the WWE New Year’s Day. The day after the biggest party of the year. Some are full of regret about what went down the night before, and others are brimming with excitement about the future.

We begin with Randy Orton. Awwww. His face hurts. Yeah, well, you know what? My brain hurts from that rubbish ending to Wrestlemania. But that’s not your fault, honey.  Christ, I’m calling Randy Orton HONEY now. I’ve changed.

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But let’s move on.    Randy Orton is one of the best heels around. Seriously, he reeks of creepy badness.  I love it…. and a week ago I never would have said that.  Vince came out in a shade of blazer no man should ever wear, shouting the odds in that unhealthy gravel he calls a voice and punching his finger at Orton with such force I’m surprised he couldn’t feel it up there on the ramp.

Orton spouted a tirade of abuse and challenged Mr. M to fight him, alone, on Raw, without Shane or Triple H to prop him up.  NEVER has the word SIR seemed like such an insult. AMAZING! After much lip-trembling and eye-popping we got a big fat “YOU’RE OOOOOON!” Loverly.

One of the things I miss  during PPVs are the backstage conversations that are ‘just for us to see’. That’s the theatrical shit that makes it work for me.  So, back in the office a 60-something multi-millionaire is taking his clothes off to take on a man young enough to be his son. His actual son is none too chuffed at what his old man has set himself up for. Can I just take a moment to say how much I LOOOOVE Shane’s grey temples?  When I first started watching wrestling he was this irritating, uncool kid. Now he’s quite the distinguished gentleman. Me happy girl. Shane couldn’t persuade daddy he was making a bad move…..’cause Vince, just…just….WANTS ‘IM. hehe. A silly scene, but it made me laugh.

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On to the Divas.  Smackdown Vs Raw, to be precise.  With the Draft coming up tomorrow, a big wrestlegasm in itself, it’s important that anyone who might be in the frame for a change of office cubicle gets an airing the week beforehand. Just so you know who they are. They pulled off some pretty nice moves in this match.  And how cool is Mickey James? She’s wicked! I kind of want to BE her. And I kind of have a girl-crush on Kelly-Kelly. But you don’t wanna know about that, do ya? Well, maybe another day.  In the meantime,  enjoy his picture of my heroine. Luv yaaaaaa!

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Shane is still stressing behind the scenes, so he turns to his brother-in-law for assistance. God, I love watching them talk to each other. I know this is ‘for TV’ and they obviously have a lighter convo style in real life, but I like to imagine them talking to each other on Christmas Day like that. By the way, best man-hug-moment I’ve seen in AGES.

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On to the All Star Tag Team Match – Raw Vs Smackdown. Good Lord, I think I might combust. Chris Jericho, John Cena, CM Punk, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Edge, Big Show, Kane, Rey Mysterio and Ricky Steamboat all in one match. Shit. What a combo. My pants thank you.  By the way, I am TOTALLY falling in love with Punk. It’s the Chicago thing, I think. It tipped me over the edge. Also, one of my favourite moments of the night – Rey Mysterio giving his mask fringe to a random kid in the crowd. Awww. Bless. I predict that kid will be on Raw 15 years from now telling the story of how Rey inspired him to be a wrestler. I guarantee it.

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Only the day after Wrestlemania would we see this many main eventers in one match. That doesn’t normally happen. We don’t even see these boys all on one SHOW, let alone in one match. They usually spread the top talent out.  What a TREAT! Every time a new hand slapped that of someone in the ring, I got a lovely little buzz of eeeeeeeeee-xcitement. I gotta say, how freakin’ awesome is Ricky Steamboat? This man is older than my dad! He’s 56 years old, for god’s sake. I agree with the chanting crowd. “You still goooot it!!!!”. And I love how much everyone hates Jericho at the moment. I laughed out loud when Chris came in to do some damage to Steamboat and Michael Cole blasted “Here comes Jericho like a VULTURE! Chris Jericho’s a VULTURE.” But a really hot vulture, yah?

I can’t tell you much more about the match, other than it left me feeling very fulfilled. To be honest, they could have ended Raw right there and I would have given it a glowing report.

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On we go….Triple H, in a battle of the noses,  was unable to persuade daddy-dearest that scrapping with Orton was just silliness, and we were joined in the arena by Vicky Guerrero. I know it’s her job to be annoying, but bloody hell, that voice. Urgh! And the way she pronounces ‘Orton’ winds me up. Vicky, it’s OR-TON. OOOOR-TTTTTON. So, she has opted to be Raw general manager in preparation for next week’s draft. Curious.Veeery curious.  I kind of skipped the Santina thing. I watched it but tried to block it out.  It makes me want to punch my fist through a wall.

In no time at all (wow, that was a quick Raw) we’re at the main event of the evening. Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon against Randy Orton….or Randy Orrrun as Vicky calls him. I wasn’t expecting much of the match.  I figured Legacy would be back on the scene, having been so rudely left out of Wrestlemania. And I supposed that Triple H and Shane would retaliate. But what actually happened was totally unexpected…at least to me. I HATE spoilers with a passion. Maybe others knew it was going to happen, but I like to see things as they play out. Otherwise, where’s the excitement?  Oh, yeah, I haven’t told you what happened. Duh! Ok…….

As predicted, it was a complete mis-match. Shane couldn’t take it any more, flew in to the ring and started pummelling Orton. I love watching Shane fight. He still seems like a little boy to me. Cute little thing that he is. Rhodes and DiBiase joined in to save their leader from a further ShaneOMac-attack, Orton joined in and then The Game put his oar in. Of course. Everything’s going just as I had anticipated. With all the McMahon brood under the cosh, they needed some assistance. But who’s gonna be their hero?

Some VERY loud guitar chords blast in to the arena.  Only regular wrestling viewers will understand this, but you know when someone hasn’t been around for a while….maybe because they’ve been injured…… then they return unexpectedly. The music hits and you know the music, and the cogs in your brain start revolving to figure out who it is. It only takes a second. Maybe two. But I love that moment where you realise who it is. THEY are wrestlegasm moments.

So, who was it………..

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OH MY GOD! It was so amazing.  Even though I’m kind of in Orton’s camp since WM, Dave looked so bloody cool. He picked Legacy off one at a time and got all three to scamper off up the ramp. I repeat, SO. BLOODY. COOL. And a TOTAL wrestlegasm moment. Seeing him with his old pal and Shane up there in the ring made my week.

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But the best moment of all was when Vince, lying outside the ring in his black smock, said……………………………………………

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Randy Orton was beside himself. Devastated. So now we have a brand new feud on the go. Just like that. That’s why I love this nonsense.

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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This lady, who seemed absolutely MORTIFIED that Primo and Carlito had taken the Tag-Team belts. I cannot imagine how involved she got with the more interesting stuff. Now THAT’S DEDICATION!

FINAL THOUGHTS

I am super-excited about tomorrow’s draft. I loooooove the draft. A spot of Spring cleaning is always refreshing. And a few surprises are always very welcome.

I’ll do a quick Smackdown recap tomorrow morning (BST) to bring everything nicely up to do date. This long Easter weekend is proving to be very handy.