TLC: The Results Show

We’re starting a new tradition at Wrestlegasm. Whichever of us loses the Pay Per View Predictions competition has to write up the results show. I fear I may be writing a lot of these over the next year. But I won’t complain. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: this seems a perfectly fair distribution of duties to me. I write the predictions posts, you begrudgingly write the results show in a sulk because you lost] Now that Strictly Come Dancing has finished, my life feels somehow devoid of knee-trembling Results Shows. I’d like my portion of the TV licence fee to be used to pay Claudia Winkleman to come round and give me weekly cuddles until it’s back on telly again.  But enough of people flouncing about in brightly hued Spanx and heavy make-up, let’s talk wrestling.

Oh. Wait....

Once again WWE failed to listen to our suggestions regarding the running order of TLC, starting with the Intercontinental Triple Threat between Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger. Any time you give Kofi and Dolph something high to jump off, then chuck in Swagger’s power (the gutwrench bomb variety) and Vickie’s hellcat screech, you’ve got a party on your hands.

It had a spot of danger, tension and like any good drama, a few shenanigans. While Dolph lay splayed on the mat recovering from a big fall, Kofi and Swagger snatched at the belt like two dads grabbing at the last Tickle-Me Elmo in the toyshop. At this point both Andrew and myself were sure that one of us had predicted correctly. But as the boys panicked, they fumbled the belt to the ground where bleach-boy was waiting to clasp the belt between his jaws and run off with it. Survival of the fittest! [Sidekick Andrew Edit: in every sense of the word. Rawr! Oh my, sorry about that… but Xmas is the campest time of the year] Good for Dolph, but bad for us in the Wrestle Bunker. Nobody likes a nil-nil draw.

Next up was the match I was dreading. The first ever Divas Tag-Team Tables match. Try wrapping your mouth around that after a generous glass of Baileys. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: Giggitty] Obsessed as I am with chintzy homewares, this was not the time or the place to see Beth Phoenix and Co. ‘setting the table’. I was genuinely nervous. In fact, I took a sharp intake of breath as it began and forgot to exhale. Andrew had to keep reminding me to breathe, as I was sure the appearance of Cath Kidston oilcloth tablecloth was just a moment away.

As the match progressed, however, I remembered how my lungs worked and enjoyed the match more than any other Divas match throughout the entire year. It was like someone had finally listened. Four women, one match, solid wrestling, a mildly hardcore stipulation, an eye-popping finisher and a crowd who didn’t use it as an excuse to empty their bladders. I was so proud. Will it be a watershed for the Divas? I won’t hand my heart over just yet, but we were extremely happy . Also we predicted correctly. YESSSSSSSS! [Sidekick Andrew Edit: I’m also blindly hoping this signals a shift in the standard of women’s wrestling in the WWE. Recent releases notwithstanding, the fact that the WWE have been prepared to take chances on smaller guys like Bourne and Bryan is hopefully a sign that they are happy to use people who may not fit their usual mode but do have a good wrestling ability. Whether this will cross over to the women and we could see someone in a similar style to Awesome Kong or Hamada crossing over is perhaps a pipe dream, but a pretty exciting one all the same]

After that they did an ‘impromptu’ tag match between Santino & Koslov and Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater. We both swiftly picked the current title holders to win, but it was nothing but filler. Wade Barrett and his cronies got involved and turned it into a big mess. On the plus side, bonus Wade Barrett and trendy facial hair. Hey Justin! Urban Outfitters called. They said you’re not cool enough to have that beard. Give it back! [Sidekick Andrew Edit: I assumed Justin Gabriel’s beard would be some homely South African girl, but I was wrong]

Andrew and I are a little embarrassed about this one. My frequently mentioned longing for HHH to return to re-enact the moment I properly got back into wrestling (Summerslam 2007) skewed how we saw the Sheamus vs John Morrison match ending. We’d convinced ourselves that anything involving Sheamus was all about bringing HHH back. We scoffed at the idea that John Morrison could contend for the WWE Championship, completely ignoring the idea that he’d be facing the Miz if he pulled it off. I even mentioned how far the Miz had come compared to Morrison in my predictions. We feel silly. But if nothing else we’ve learnt that Sheamus shouldn’t be allowed to be in any more ladder matches. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: Yep, we were pretty silly not to realise the potential Miz/Morrison feud, but on the bright side just think how much The Miz will destroy him in promos]

Thankfully we were more successful at predicting the Championship match than the Number One Contender’s match. Admittedly, when the match was restarted we bellowed statements along the lines of “NOOOOOOO! Not Orton again!” and “We can’t be this bad at predicting! We just CAN’T!” We weren’t. Orton needs some time off and Miz lived up to his own hype. And I STILL HAVEN’T GOT MY T-SHIRT! Argh! [Sidekick Andrew Edit: Incidentally, I seem to have come into the possession of a women’s fit “Hello, I’m Awesome” t-shirt if there’s any takers? It turned up at the bunker last week but I don’t remember ordering it]

The Divas match was the most significant of the night, but the most complete match was the Fatal Fourway between Kane, Edge, Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio. The great thing about multiple TLC matches is that even those without the ability to do high-flying leaps from the top of ladder can fill in with a few chair swipes and some breathless climbing. With this in mind, this particular combination of competitors was a perfect amalgamation of breath-taking and breathless. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: Yeah, what she said. I’m a sucker for a spotfest, and this was essentially a semi-MitB match and easily match of the night for me]

Once again though, we were incorrect in predicting the outcome. I was getting so sad that I ordered the Sidekick to do his Tango face to cheer me up. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: I may have got confused and done my Dr Pepper face instead] It looks something like this:

Andrew would also like it known that before they changed this match at the last-minute, he chose Edge to win. I would like it known that at this stage he predicted as incorrectly as I did. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: Oh cheers boss. Happy bloody Xmas to you too!]

Big Show, dressed as Santa, shilled his awful movie, then stripped Cody Rhodes down to nothing but his y-fronts and tie. If it’s all the same with you I’d rather not remember the details. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: What’s so bad about having pants with Sunday on them anyway? Although, if they’d said Friday I’d have been concerned that Cody was a dirty stop out]

At the very least, the fact that our predictions stood at 2-2 heading into the main event made for a tantalising end to an otherwise poor performance by your Wrestlegasm team. After the speed and excitement of the Fatal Fourway, a John Cena match felt a little heavy and lumbering. But having both predicted different winners it held our attention, if only to know which of us had the monthly bragging rights. CM Punk donned Matt Striker’s sweaty headset to commentate, and we all know the power of Punk commentary. He’s that final sprinkling of seasoning that makes everything better. Although I’d have been happier if Lawler or Cole had disappeared rather than Striker. You can’t win ’em all!

Things I observed during this match:

Upturned steel stairs would make an excellent display cabinet for household knickknacks.

The appeal of the chair necklace never gets old:

When I brought a stack of chairs to the ground in IKEA, nobody cheered for me:

I also learnt that Andrew is an annoying winner and that I am very bad loser. No wait, I already knew that second one. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T!]

So there you have it. I now have to suffer a month of Andrew peacocking about the Bunker demanding I make him toast and hot Vimto ‘because he’s the PREDICTION KING!’ Feel sorry for me. If you want to follow our progress throughout the year, you can view our lovely counter to the right of the page. [Sidekick Andrew Edit: I am the PREDICTION KING, however it is Xmas so we can forgo the Vimto. Bring me a Bailey’s. In fact, I am a generous and kindly king, so get yourself one as well. Let’s get Xmas in the bunker started!]

This Results Show may not have had as many sequins and sparkles as the Strictly Results Show, but on my way to the kitchen this morning in something of a sleepy daze, I fell into the Bunker Christmas tree and now I’m covered in cheap glitter. That counts, right? As this month’s loser I could even do my ‘Last Dance’ for you, with bonus sobbing and sad smiles from Bruce Forsythe. No? Ok then. Merry Christmas to you too, misery-guts.


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