RAW: Something’s Amiss

I feel there’s something else I should be musing over today. But I can’t quite put my finger on what it might be. Hmm. Maybe it’ll come to me as we go along.

The Royal Rumble officially kicks off the Road to Wrestlemania. We should be frothing at the mere thought that the biggest party of the year is on its way. And yet…

Grinning like the cats who got the cream, Stephanie and HHH over-egged their excitement at great mate Dave Batista winning the Rumble to such an extent you have to wonder if they realised soon after that they were lactose intolerant and vomited up what turned out to be a flop after all.

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The patronising tone they cloaked their jubilation in served only to rile the crowd further and… do you ever get the feeling you’ve been sneakily trolled? Baited into reacting by someone who knows how to push your buttons? Do you wonder if this is exactly what they wanted? To leave Daniel Bryan out so that we’d riot for the international press?

In sharp contrast to the acute hatred spat at the McMahon-Helmsleys, Daniel Bryan’s arrival mustered something akin to the second coming of Christ.

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It’s rare that I lash out at these two, but their incessant giggling and claim that Bryan’s match of the night against Bray Wyatt “was a good little effort” had me wanting to sock them both in the chops. Stephanie’s now modelled so much in her father’s image I’m convinced that any second she’s going to peel off her face to reveal she was Vince all along. There are no lengths my imagination won’t run to in the name of believing Steph’s a good lass.

Bryan’s impassioned demands that he be compensated for his lack of Rumble action with an automatic Elimination Chamber slot were met with a nose in the face and the arrival of The Shield, with Seth Rollins’ serendipitous tumble over the barrier cutting through the hostility in the crowd for a few seconds. The boy is the epitome of “If you stumble, make it part of the dance.” What a pro!

The Shield proceeded to maul Bryan but, as you might expect, a few mates came in his hour of need. Sheamus (yes, he’s back) and John Cena ran to the rescue before chasing the nasty bad guys away. There’s still something comforting about the fact that after all these years Michael Cole has never understood the difference between ‘cavalry’ and ‘Calvary’.

There was something else I needed to talk about. What was it? Maybe I was supposed to talk about how much I want to have Dean Ambrose bend my…mind. No, that’s not it. I already talk about that enough. It can’t have been the match between The Real Americans and Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara. That was as expected. Could it be Wade Barrett? Barrett, who now appears to spend his time being thrust toward the rafters on a mechanical penis while telling us that everything’s shit. I had a dream like that once except the cherrypicker penis belonged to….never mind. He’s like Eva Peron, but from Preston, and peddling terrible wisecracks. “Don’t cry for me, WWE Universe.” I do, Wade. I really do.

What was it, guys? Obviously not Fandango vs R-Truth. I definitely wouldn’t have been rushing to talk about Brock Lesnar interrupting Randy Orton and Brad Maddox’s discussion with a docker just off the night shift.

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I cannot recall a wrestler I’ve wanted to boot in their big, slimy, maroon face more than Lesnar. Loathing is too mild a word. I’d like to take some clippers to his stupid haircut that’s too small for his puffed up head and…yeah, it’s not him.

It couldn’t have been The Battle of Cleveland match between Miz and Dolph. Unless we’re talking hockey my knowledge of American sports is currently on hiatus. Maybe it was how depressing, if amusing, it was that the crowd were chanting for each individual member of the windbag commentary team during  Kofi and Del Rio’s match. We really should talk about the New Age Outlaw shaped pin that burst the tag-team bubble. Champions? Really? *cough* Nepotism *cough*. And a Selina Gomez quote? Okay, Dad. Why don’t you just get Snapchat and tell us how you can send your rude bits to your main squeeze like all the kids do. Ach, who am I to judge?  I’m the old lady who just typed ‘main squeeze’ and who’s already lost the Snapchat novelty.

There’s something bigger though. Something shocking. Something that might make me cry. The Divas getting better with their ring work but needing some stories is less red hot news and more a gospel chanted since the dawn of time. It does make me want to cry though. Jake Roberts being inducted into the Hall of Fame would not leave me dying to discuss it.

We’re back where we started now, with Daniel Bryan, Sheamus and John Cena trying to beat up on The Shield. Whichever team won would get the first three spots in the Elimination Chamber. It was a pretty good match, as it goes. Even better when The Wyatts turned up to interfere with The Shield’s game plan, costing them the match and setting up more scrapping between them going forward. If Randy Orton has to defend in the EC, that leaves just two spots left to fight over. Could this be what instigates the Shield break-up they’ve been teasing? All good fun, but not the ‘big thing’ of the week. Hmm.

Wait! Hold the phone. Why wasn’t Punk on Raw this week?!

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raw(lite): he came, then he left

Due to time constraints and with The Bash looming within the next few hours, this week’s Raw reminder will be in a shorter form than usual.  You gotta do what you gotta do!

For those of us in the UK, commercial free television is nothing new. The most powerful broadcaster on this island, the BBC, is entirely free of advertising. Ok, so we’re legally obliged to buy a TV licence for the privilege, but I believe it makes for better television and radio. Still, Raw is shot in dollar land, where advertising is the bread and butter of all broadcasting.  So I understand the excitement. Seriously though, America, do you have to have SOOOO many ad breaks? It kills my buzz. Anyway, here are the …..

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS WEEK’S RAW

BEFORE THE BASH

Catchy, eh?

  • Trump’s Da Boss

Yes, that’s right, Donald Trump now owns the Raw brand and kicked his tenure off with a full ticket refund to everyone in the crowd who kept their ticket stubs. Those who threw them away on their way in to the arena probably needed some of this….

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  • John-Boy’s a Farmer

John Cena who, despite making a triumphant return to his charismatic, funny  ‘old self’ came out in his most ghastly merchandise line yet. Not in any way inspired by a certain world-famous farming equipment brand. No. Not all. And call me a cynic, but I don’t think it’s any coincidence that it was launched in Pack-land. Home of the Green and Gold. I shall discuss this rant about this further in the next audio post.

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  • The Miz is a Puss

John Cena flipped the coin over and called The Miz out for a change. After much cuteness and frivolity, John got serious, gave The Miz a match at The Bash and warned Miz that his days were numbered. Oooh. It was deliciously perfect. Welcome back, John. The Big Show was obviously killing his good times. Favourite line? “You’re not a reality show ‘has-been’. You’re a WWE never was!” BUUUURN! Miz got rattled, punched John when he wasn’t looking and ran. Puss.

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  • Lemony Kick-It

Vince was left with the back-up limo (Trump had Road Force One), which happened to be a total lemon and broke down a hundred yards from the arena. Don’t you just hate when you have to use the back-up limo? So much less comfy than the best one. Vince made the poor little driver carry him down the street on his back.  Yah, ’cause that’s so much less humiliating than WALKING to the arena. Vince’s weight caused the driver to drop him so Vince kicked him in the arse. Nice guy!

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  • SD Trumps Raw

For the second week running, despite claiming full brand separation, there was a Smackdown match on Raw. I can only assume it was a ratings thing. They must have figured that the audience for Trump Raw would be larger than usual with the news of The Donald’s involvement causing a buzz in the mainstream media. What better way to impress than to bring your (real) superior brand in give off a good impression to first time viewers.

Jeff Hardy , Khali and Rey Mysterio beat Jericho, Edge and Ziggler when Jeff pinned Ziggler. Punk, being a nice guy, came to celebrate with Jeff, but he pushed him away like a lover who had been caught cheating. Oh, yeah, Punk wore clothes.  I sulked.

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  • Prelude to Crap

Cody Rhodes beat Primo in a prelude to what will undoubtedly be a tag-team belts win for Rhodes and DiBiase.I didn’t mind them so much when they first started hanging off Randy’s coat-tails……now…meh! Some sort of illegal crap will go down and the Orton Groupies will grab the titles ar The Bash. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Prove me wrong. Please.

  • Song for Santina

Santina was fired. About two months overdue. Let’s celebrate with a song even more annoying than the actual character. Bet you don’t make it past the first 20 seconds.

  • Regrets, dear?

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Maybe it’s not all about da monaaay after all, Mr. M?

  • The King Ain’t Dead

That’s right, the King of Kings redeemed himself, remembered his job is not to be a corporate lackie and wrestled his oversized heart out. As did the delightful Randy. Best match they’ve had. Better than Wrestlemania even?

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  • The Penny Drops

You know how Vince McMahon is a smart businessman? Not so much. It turned out that Trump was giving money away and cancelling advertising contracts in the hope that Vince would buy Raw back for double the price. Oh Donald, you wiley fox. And I thought you were just a puffed up ball of orangey powder. The plan worked. The real Vince McMahon is indeed  great businessman, orchestrating this whole angle with hardly anyone knowing about it until the night of the show. But why so short? Ok, so I wasn’t exactly on board from the beginning, but there was a lot of mileage in that there storyline. I’m aware that I’m whining a lot today. I’m tired. I was up late and got up early. I’z grumpy when I’m tired. Donald bitch-slapped Vince, it all kicked off and they had to be separated by some burly looking security.

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  • Shut Your Trap

Rosa Mendes lost to Mickie James and Maryse got all pissy, telling Rosa to shut her yap while she tried to compose herself. Is it just me or are Maryse’s jubblies (thanks, Gok Wan) getting more plastic-y by the week? I don’t even care about boobs that aren’t my own and yet, I cannot look away. (?)

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  • Most Aspirational Stat Evah!

You know how much I live the WWE ‘Did you know…? stats. This week was the best ever. Check it out.

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Yep, because quantity is ALWAYS better than quality, right guys? Sweethearts, I love you enough to spend my life recapping your shows, but it’s not the size of your product that counts, it’s what you do with it. An hour of True Blood does not equate to an hour of Raw. We cool? Good. I love you. Mwah!

  • If you think I’m gonna recap another Cena/Big Show match….

you be trippin’. That is all.

  • Get offa my Randy

Just as Randy Orton was leaving the arena, Triple H whacked him, proper mobster style. At first it looked like he was gonna give Randy the lonely man in prison treatment against the back of his car, but he just dropped the boot door on him. Phew! REALLY! Writhing in agony, Triple H made it clear that their feud was SOOOO not over.

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FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE NIGHT

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The KFC buckets. For managing to get in so many camera shots and for showing such dedication to the show. Bravo, bucket of grilled chicken, bravo indeed.

raw(lite): dare i even dream?

So, yeah, the first Raw after Extreme Rules which, yeah, I know, I haven’t told you anything about. Soz. But I’ll work it in to the post where I can.

We got cracking with Dave Batista, the new World Champion. Yep, he managed to survive the steel cage and rip the belt from Randy Orton’s clutches. But anyone who ventured on to the internet during the 20 hours between the end of Extreme Rules and the start of Raw knew he was only keeping the title for one night owing to some bicep surgery needed on Tuesday morning.

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Apparently he did it for Flair, himself and for everyone who’s sick and tired of Randy Orton.  Errrrrm, I suppose that counts me out then. And just as Dave was discussing how he plans on taking Orton’s pride……………..

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Doesn't work every time. I've tried.

Dave opened his shirt buttons, because you can’t fight with your buttons done up, fool. Randy did a strange, hypnotic, side-step dance to the ring and at the perfect moment he, Cody and Ted all pounced on Dave and beat him within an inch of his life. A venomous attack indeed, Mr. Lawler, sir.

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Randy twisted Dave’s arm up inside a steel chair like a pretzel (yes, the arm he’s having surgery on) and stamped on it. He then went on to pull his weary arm until it snapped.

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Randy stole the belt, the crowd booed, the medics came to Dave’s aide and he was carted off in an ambulance screaming for his title belt back. Sad times for Batista. For real.

Well, after all that drama we need something cheerful. Ahhhhh, Kofi Kingston. The smiliest Jamaican in all the land. That’s better. Oh, yeah, he kept his title at Extreme Rules by the way. On this week’s Raw he was taking William Regal on in a non-title match. According to Regal, HE should be United States champion because he can bring the class and style it deserves. Umm, not to disagree with my fellow countryman or anything but……

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Kingston pretty much creamed Regal, but hey, kind of expected. He’s a good heel though. Love you, Billy.

Over in the locker room the pack of hyenas, wild dogs, wolves, snakes, whatever they are were pawing at the WWE title belt, pleased that their job to take Dave out had been done. But the bravest little boy in the company, Josh Matthews, popped up out of nowhere and asked Randy to explain his  deplorable actions. None to pleased to see Mr. Matthews, Randy explained that all we need to know is that he planned on using his automatic rematch clause that night and if Dave failed to show up, he’d take the title back by forfeit. EEEEVIL!

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Alright, it’s lady time. Kelly-Kelly v Maryse with Mickie James joining Jerry and M. Cole on commentary. I was gonna make a comment about Mickie’s strange choice of dress (not from Maria’s collection, I hope) but she’s got such a lovely voice I decided not to put my fashion head on and rip it to pieces. Lawler wanted to rip it to pieces too but for a whole different reason. Oh, Jerry. Bring your voice down an octave and breathe.  Is it just me or is Kelly-Kelly getting better in the ring? Me thinks the lady’s been practicing. Unfortunately, she lost. Maryse flicked her hair several times and Mickie gave her dagger-eyes.

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After a reminder of the Hog Pen match between Vickie and Santina at Extreme Rules (did we HAVE to have a reminder? My eyes are burning.) Josh Matthews had jumped over to Vickie’s door to ask her if it was really true that Randy was getting his rematch that night. True story. And she informed us that she had a big announcement that would change the face of Raw forever.  Ooooh, what could it be? Ok I already knew but I like to play along. Then we jumped over to The Miz and Maryse having another ‘moment’. Not sure what’s happening here but I’m actually starting to enjoy their little banter together. What’s happening to me?

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Goldust, Santino and Festus (accompanied by Hornswoggle) took on Chavo, Jamie Noble and The Brian Kendrick in a three-man tag.Yep, that happened. Santino pinned Noble for the win.

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Back to The Miz, who rudely interrupted Lillian’s intro with this guitar riff. I hate to admit this, but maybe, just maybe, I’m starting to get The Miz. At first he was just annoying, but maybe, just maybe, I get the joke now. God, help me.  He went on another rant, calling every John Cena fan a ‘Cena Apologists’. Whaaa? Anyway, John came out,  you know, smiling, looking cute, the usual……

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…and prepared to take The Miz on. But just as we were about to get going “Weeeeeell, it’s the Big Shooooow!” URGH! Big Show. Please. LET. IT. GO.  Go and find another feud so I can care about John Cena matches again. Thanks. The Miz disappeared after one kick and Show put a sleeper hold on John. AGAIN. But wait, The Miz made his way back in to the ring, and whacked Big Show across the back with a chair. What? Miz turning face? Oh. No, it’s ok. False alarm. He just wanted John to himself. Well, he IS on a promise from Maryse now, know what I’m sayin’?

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Big Show scared The Miz off for the second time, leaving John and Show in the ring. End this please.

M.V.P fought Matt Hardy in kind of  nothing match. M.V.P won.

Now Vickie has an announcement to make. The crowd booed her down the ramp and Lawler and Cole made their own pig-jokes. Aren’t you grown men? So, big announcement. After being humiliated in the Hog Pen match, she had decided to quit the company. Her real reason for quitting is that the travelling schedule is forcing her to spend too much time away from her daughters. Fair enough. I mean, she’s a single mother, her kids need her, she’s taking a break. I really think that’s all it’ll be though. She’ll be back at some point.

But then the whole thing took a slightly sinister twist. It looked as if Edge had come out to apologise for asking her for a divorce during the Extreme Rules show. But he went on to say that having quit, she now had no power and was ultimately worthless. It really should have stopped there. I know Vickie’s a big girl and all, and I’m sure he gave her a big hug once she got backstage, but…. She-Beast? Dry-heaving after kissing her? Harsh! The jury’s out on that one.

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Backstage Josh Matthews, who is certainly earning his money this week, interviewed John Cena about his match. I hadn’t really noticed it up against Randy and Vickie, but stood next to pinky-skinned Cena, Josh…..

Just get a clean tissue and gently take if off in a circular motion. Works for me.

Just get a clean tissue and gently take if off in a circular motion. Works for me.

Carlito and Primo took on the Priceless boys, Ted pinned Primo and Randy joined his victorious children in the ring. They waited patiently for Batista to arrive for the title rematch but, obviously, he wasn’t coming back with a broken ulna, right? Or was he? Lillian announced Dave but he didn’t show. His music played, but he didn’t show. Randy called for the 10-count and bristled with excitement. But on the count of eight, the ambulance that took Dave away started reversing towards the arena door. What’s gonna happen? What’s gonna happen?

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Did his nose get bigger or did his hair get smaller?

AAAAAAH! He’s back. Ok, when Triple H disappeared several weeks ago I was glad to see him go.  I was getting sick of him. So it shocked me how excited I was to see him come back. Maybe it was because it was unexpected, maybe it was because I now tend to avoid rumour mills and I didn’t know he had plans to return so soon. I actually thought he’d be away a little longer and return with Shawn as DX for a while. But Dave’s much needed bicep surgery must have forced him back sooner, I assume. When ‘Time to play the game’ started playing, I got a fluttery little feeling in the pit of my stomach. I believe that’s called WRESTLEGASMMMMMM! I think I’m done being mad at him now. I might even get my Triple H trading card back out of my desk drawer at work and allow him to sit next to the other fellas.

Cody ran at Triple H with a chair, but chair vs sledgehammer kind of has an obvious winner. Hunter ripped his shirt off (sweet) and slammed Randy around the arena. He left him on his face in the ring……

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….but the crowd still wanted more and began chanting for a pedigree. He obliged. Oh my god, does this mean Raw is about to get good again? Dare I even dream?

raw(lite): hubcaps for frisbees

It’s 2am on a Tuesday morning. What was I doing? Pretending to sleep. What was Birmingham, Alabama doing? Cheering at Monday Night Raw. Randy Orton is in the ring, his foot-soldiers are firmly by his side and the steel cage has been lowered around the ring. Let’s get cracking.

The tormentor of Mexican reporters everywhere explained once again how he planned on dealing with big Dave Batista at Extreme Rules. Tactics will include grinding Dave’s face against the metal (ouch), slamming the cage door in to his face (yaaawch) and running him face first, no, HEAD first in to every side of the cage over, and over and over again. Say over-and-over again for me, Randy.

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Randy went on to inform us, and Dave, that he’d arranged with Vickie Guerrero that there would be  a steel cage match that night. He flipped a coin to decide whether Batista had to face Cody or Ted. Cody’s up. Despite looking terrified at first, he remembered he had to live up to his daddy’s cage match reputation and sucked up his angst.  Randy verbally patted him on the head and told him everything was going to be ok. Then he gave us a demonstration on how to walk through a door. Where has this man BEEN all my life?  He began wrapping up the promo but just as he raised the belt in to the air, someone decided they had something to say.

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Yes, there were 13 WOOOOOs and 15 PUNKs in Ric Flair’s response to Randy’s promo. I counted. Randy reminded Ric that he was retired and was not legally permitted to take part in any in-ring fight or his pension fund may be jeopardised. But Ric didn’t want any old in-ring wrestling match. Oh noes, he wanted a car park brawl. (That’s a ‘Parking Lot Brawl’ for any Americans reading). Randy accepted and warned Ric that his days were numbered.  Cody, you’re up, buddy!

The personnel dispersed and Dave Batista joined little Cody in the ring. Cody clung to the turnbuckle as The (caged) Animal smirked right in his face. Being half Dave’s size, Cody Rhodes was struggling. Randy came out cage-side to see if he could put a little pep in Cody’s step, but even his posturing, grimacing and general clawing at the steel couldn’t save his little puppy. Naaaw! Bless.

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Time for something really silly over in Vickie’s office. Big Show was bleating to Chavo and Vickie about the fact that he’d been paired up with chief prick, The Miz, against John Cena and a currently unnamed partner. They convinced him that all would be well and decided it would be a good time to draw a name from a pair of velvet wrestle trunks to see who John’s partner would be. By some amazing fluke, the name drawn was Chavo Guerrero. Wow! Whodda thunk it?

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By the way, has anyone noticed Vickie’s fabulous taste in aesthetics? There’s nothing like a Van Gogh street scene and black leather seating to give that sophisticated air of….oh, I dunno….. dentist’s waiting room.

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From one lady to another, Kelly-Kelly bounced her way to the ring and this dude made a proposal with his fan-sign.

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Thank God he chose to paint an engagement ring and not a different kind of ring, or Linda McMahon might have had to explain away another awkward mess.  By the way, man, nice penmanship and all, but I don’t fancy your chances. I mean, LOOK at her!!! Mickie James joined Kelly in the ring and she was closely followed by their opponents, Beth Phoenix and Maryse. Rosa Mendes floated around in some leather trousers so she could distract the ref at an opportune moment. It was all over disappointingly quickly and ended with Maryse sticking a DDT on Kelly, pinning her for the win. Look at Rosa. Remember when you were in high school and there was always a pipsqueak girl who wanted to be in your group of friends, despite the fact that everyone left her out of everything in the hope she’d just go away? Rosa is that girl.

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Next up, Carlito and Primo were taking on Matt Hardy and William Regal for the tag-team belts. YAAAAWN. Matt used his arm cast to try and take out Carlito but slipped and whacked his own partner instead. Own-goal, I believe. Regal dropped and Carlito capitalised with a pin to keep hold of the belts.

This was spotted…………….

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and the camera moved back to the ring post haste. Ssshhh, if we don’t about him everyone will just forget.

For the third week running Ric Flair, who was pacing up and down the car park looking for hubcaps to frisbee at Orton’s head, had a verbal altercation with his fave beefcake, Batista. Ric explained how much he missed being the Nature Boy (I’ll be taking about that all serious-like in a near future post) and told Dave if he called him ‘The Man’ once more he’d vomit. Now THAT would be a show. Go on, Dave. Say it! After an emotive speech, Ric managed to convince Dave that brawling with a man half his age was totally do-able and asked him not to be a hero and rescue him from the evil clutches of Randy Orton. Gotta be honest, I wouldn’t want anyone to rescue me from the grope grip of Randy Orton either.

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It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Man-Hug moment. The boys have been reather un-huggy of late, so huge thanks to Dave and Ric for enabling  me to resurrect this bit.

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Back over in Vickie’s sophisticated office Regal and Matt Hardy informed her that they have arranged a match between her and SantinO Marella for that night. Vickie went all mentalist and started yelling in Spanish, which she only does when she’s REALLY freakin’ out. But it was ok, the guys had a plan to make it work, which Matt whispered in Vickie’s ear. She seemed whole-heartedly on board.

Finally back in the ring and it’s time for The Miz to do his annoying pre-match gamble about how he’s what, like, 347-0 against John Cena or something? He informed us that John’s supposed penchant for corporate selling-out put him in the same category as Spongebob, The Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. Ok, so Spongebob is silly and The Jonas Brothers are far too miserable looking to be pop stars, but what’s wrong with Miley? To quote Britney, and God knows I never thought I’d say THAT, she’s NOT.THAT. INN-O-CE-ENT! Do a Google image search for Miley Cyrus. You’ll see what I mean.

And look, she’s a wrestling fan too…….

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I have no words.

Let’s try and forget that image and talk about the match….. It was fine. You know. Not blow your brains out brilliant, not absolutely awful either. John was not looking too healthy and The Miz wanted him, not LITERALLY, I mean he wanted the pinfall himself. But Big Show wanted in too and tried to persuade The Miz to tag him back in. But it was no dice, and when The Miz turned to go and throw himself at JC, Big Show swung his ginormous fist at The Miz to clear the way.

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With The Miz out cold Chavo leaped in to the ring and pinned him for the win. The crowd went nuts for Chavo who, in his role as Vickie’s sycophantic nephew, doesn’t get much of a chance at big-time matches these days.

John was none too pleased that Chavo had stolen his pin and slammed him in to the mat. There was a further tussle between John and BS which left John unconscious too. When does this Big Show/John Cena storyline end again? Whenever it is, make it snappy! PLEASE!

Fresh from the senior prom, MVP was preparing to face Kofi Kingston to hold on to the United States Championship. It began with a polite meeting of the mutual appreciation society, but soon dissolved in to a slanging match and then an AWESOME wrestling match.

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I wasn’t sure where it was all going at first. I was wondering why everyone on the interwebz were so excited by it when I got up on Tuesday morning. The crowd were seated and silent. But as it progressed it really did turn out to be fantastic.

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Yep, we have a new United States champion.  Congratulations, sir. I feel like I want to reward Kofi with something. Because, you know, winning the match, the belt and the title just isn’t enough. He doesn’t fall in to my swoon worthy gentlemen category, but what the hell…………….

Play it and do some chair dancing for the remainder of this post. Wind ya waaaist, people.

From a great match to a great mess. William Regal and Matt Hardy’s evil plan to take out Santino Marella was about to come to fruition. I won’t bore you with the details. It was physically and emotionally painful to watch. Who knows what complete and utter tripe they’ll churn out at the PPV tomorrow night. Just know that the match ended like this.

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Looks like Batista defied Flair one more time and called him ‘The Man’ again. Well, Ric DID promise he’d vomit if he did it again. Speaking of Flair, his Fight to the Finish was about to kick off in the car park. (See what I did there?)

Ok, so it started with a game of Hide & Seek. Off screen, Randy had already stood in the corner with his eyes covered and counted to 100.  Ric had scuttled off to hide.

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Anyway, let’s be honest, the fight didn’t set me on fire. We all know Ric Flair isn’t supposed to be doing this stuff. But I would like to thank him for ripping the chest area of Randy’s shirt open. It made up for the nonsense. Wait, is that one of the $45 Top Rope t-shirts? It seemed to rip open awfully easily. I won’t be wasting my money buying one THOSE then . Shoddy products or set-up to rip when Flair touched it? The decision is yours.

And then, because people paid good money to see a main event, they shuffled their way in to the arena. By the time they made it to the ramp, the oldest player in the game was not looking too clever. Randy had full command. The King said “Right now, this is especially difficult to watch.” Not really, Jerry. It’s actually hilarious to watch. Randy finally ripped off the scraps of fabric hanging from his arms and got back to work. But as Flair looked like he was finished for all time, he did a bit of a mule kick and caught Randy in the knackers. Obviously, being a girl, I have no idea how painful this is, but I did grab at my crotch in sympathy. And I have it on good authority that it’s the most painful thing a man can experience. So you have that and we have childbirth.

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Back to the match and Randy’s manhood was still causing him some trouble, giving Ric the opportunity to capitalise.  There seemed to be a lot of blood, but it could have been jam or ketchup or hot chili sauce from when they collapsed in to the refreshments table in the car park.

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Flair put Randy in a figure-4 and the rest of Legacy came to the rescue. They dragged him in to the steel cage which, by some coincidence, had been lowered back over the ring. They were meant to have some fisticuffs in the car park, right?  This was not an official match, right? Ha. It ended up with Ric and Randy locked in the cage with Dave watching on in despair.  Even if he could get in, he made a promise not to be a hero and save him. Poor Dave. He was just trying to protect his pal from some serious geriatric abuse.

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Randy did his “My IED is kicking in now” face and Batista shouted through the barricade that he was going to break Randy in half. If he did break him in half, which half would I want to keep? Tricky. Both are impressive. Oh well, it’s not going to happen anyway.

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Shall we have some Smackdown next, folks?

raw(lite): orgasmic borderlines and over dressing

[I wrote this recap last night, but I was so tired by the time I got done with the writing, I fell asleep before I could do all my lovely photoshopping. So just put your brain on rewind and pretend it’s still Friday night.]

It’s Friday night, I put my pink bow PJ bottoms on at 8pm, flicked the mushrooms out of my Chinese food (because they are the work of Satan), had a semi-cold Carlsberg Export, felt sorry for myself  ’cause my jaw problems kept me from going to the gym, argued over the name of Eminem’s new single, opened another beer, failed at Guitar Hero, watched Eastenders and felt happy when Terry got sent to prison, started watching Gordon Ramsay humiliate pitiful chefs, remembered I need to recap the rest of Raw. So here I am. Don’t you just wish you had my rock & roll lifestyle? I can feel your jealousy burning through the monitor.

So, Thursday’s post pretty much told you what was bad about this week’s Raw. Tonight I will try to be a little more optimistic. I’m not gonna lie, the alcohol is helping. I am also alternating between re-watching Raw and listening to Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux album. Patrick Stump makes everything better.  Vince McMahon had just pushed his phoney Kroenke out of the ring and I was waiting for things to improve (’cause they couldn’t get much worse.) WROOONG! Here’s The Miz. He revealed a Cavs jersey, the crowd booed, and he declared himself 6-0 against John Cena. There I was, wondering how long it’s going to be before John’s actually allowed to retaliate, when…….

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Hoorah! Things are looking up. But before John could make it in to the ring and finally shut The Miz up, Rhodes and DiBiase started laying in to him. The Miz joined in and before we knew it, my John was being kicked in to a pile of mush. Heels = 3,  Babyfaces = 1.  Things are looking a little uneven. Oh, DAAAA-AAAVE! You’re needed. Batista came to help and managed to flatten all three bad dudes in succession. The Big Show appeared (urgh) and then Jerry Lawler. Lakers colours never looked so…..so….. stretched? The asymmetrical shoulder strap though. Very ‘on trend’, |Jerry. Love you, King. Mwah!

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With the ring cleared of nasty boys, there was nothing else to do but announce a five v five, good v bad, Yay v Boo match for the end of Raw. At this point I was really hoping the jerseys were just for graphic effect. They weren’t. Much to my disgust. I’ll come back to that later. Wait, who is the fifth good fella? You’ll have to wait to find out.

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It was time for the regular show to start. After Maryse’s dalliance last week with a can of Elnett (which they’ve totally changed the smell of, by the way) she was taking on Baby Kelly, to retain her Divas Championship.

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I was little worried for Kelly. She does a mean backflip but Maryse is a mean ole madame and I was pretty sure she’d get creamed in to the mat. But from the moment Kelly did her (better) version of the Maryse hair-flick, I knew she’d be ok. It all started to go wrong when Maryse had Kelly on the announce table and was pounding her in the face. NOOOOO! Not the face! Maryse spent too much time out of the ring and was counted out, allowing Kelly to win the match but not the belt. Damn! Kelly was furious and went flying straight at her.  Your day will come, sweetheart.

Gratuitous America's Next Top Model Reference

Gratuitous America's Next Top Model Reference

Backstage, this happened……………..

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and over in the locker room, Batista was trying to tell Ric Flair what we’re all thinking. Lead balloon time again.

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Back inthe ring, Matt Hardy, William Regal and Kofi Kingston are scrapping it out to contend for M.V.P’s Yankee Belt next week. Kingston pinned Matt Hardy for the match. Ok, M.V.P and Kofi Kingston will be good. And they even managed to be friendly about it. Aww, they really do make a lovely couple.

So after that Ric Flair woooed his way to the ring. This can only end badly. But It does promise an appearance from Randy Orton, who was nowhere to be seen and we’re already 40 minutes in. Flair reminded us that Orton sucka-punched him and had his wicked way with him last week. Really? Had his way with you Ric? Is that available on bootleg DVD anywhere? Anyway, Ric called Randy out and HOLY HELL did he answer.

To say that Randy told Ric off is an understatement. Randy lost his temper and shut his mouth good an proper. There haven’t been too many wrestlegasm moments in recent weeks, but Randy’s angry rant delivered on all markers. To be truthful, it wasn’t just a wrestlegasm moment…. it was  borderline orgasmic. And THAT doesn’t happen that often from viewing alone. Bravo, Randy. BRA-VO, my love!

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Wait, I just got turned on by a young man shattering the few remaining dreams of  a pensioner. That’s wrong, right? Don’t answer.

Aaaanyway. Ahem. Ric slapped Randy’s face and Randy knocked him down, pummelling him in the face. Batista came to the rescue and Orton made a hasty retreat to the comfort of the ramp, leaving Dave trying to hold Flair back from retaliating. Randy gave a few parting words and just as he was about to leg it, we heard….

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KENN-E-DEEEEY

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YYYYYYEEEEEEEOOOOW! I love you, Ken Kennedy. Welcome back. I missed you. But seriously, the beard needs to go. Like, pronto. You’re just a line of boot polish away from looking like Scott Steiner. That wasn’t even a good look for Steiner. Get! Rid!

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Facial hair aside…..WRESTLEGASMMMMMM! I believe that’s called multiple wrestlegasm-ing. Ah, it’s good to be a girl. Assuming Kennedy’s new injury can be fixed relatively swiftly, Mr. K and Mr. Ohhh need to have a proper feud. It would be AWESOME.

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Oh, yeah, Kennedy was named the fifth good guy in the YAY v BOO match at the end of the show. From the sublime to the ridiculous, Santino and Mickie James were up against Chavo and Beth. Mickie pinned Beth FTW and Santino was left to choose a stipulation for SantinA’s match against  Vickie at the PPV. He chose a Hog Pen Match, did more pi g squeals and forced Vickie in to one of her patented screeches.

Backstage The Big Show reminded The Miz that he was not allowed to pin John Cena……

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You don’t really wanna know anything about Goldust and Hornswoggle v Festus and The Brian Kendrick, do you?????? Phew. Good. ‘Cause I was about to skip it anyway.

On to the final match of the night. The Five v Five.  There were varying responses to this match from the guys. Big Show struggled to keep his body inside his custom made jersey. Suck it in, honey. Suck it in like you just finished eating on Christmas Day and realised jeans were a bad option.

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Randy looked pissed off that he’d been forced to cover his chest.

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Kennedy came out to a Brett Favre joke. (Miss you, Brett…. but please stay retired this time, k?). And John Cena looked like he’d travelled back in time to his thuganomics days. Actually, his arms were rather weedy back then, so I’ll stick with present day John, thank you very much. Thuganomics-John SOOOOO couldn’t bench press Big Show. Batista took it all too seriously and came out in  full Lakers regalia. Long shorts and everything. JR said…..“Behind those iniquitous blue eyes of Randy Orton is a mind that is thinking -I have to step inside a steel cage in two weeks on Pay Per View against The Animal?” I hate to challenge Jim Ross, but what Randy was REALLY thinking was “Dave, you moron. You could have worn less clothes than that and you CHOSE to wear extra fabric? I don’t get you.”

The match was as expected. Some amazing stuff, some rubbish, but it was far more entertaining than I was expecting. Good conquered Evil when M.V.P pinned Cody Rhodes to take it for TEAM YAY!

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But the real story of this match is that when Kennedy was on the receiving end of the RKO, he suffered a fairly nasty looking wrist injury. You can usually tell real pain. They try to smile through it but the grimace can’t help but break through. I can’t find any info online that says he’s going to lose any major time away from the ring, so I hope it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with an ice pack and a healing kiss. You have to feel a little bit sorry for the guy. You spend 10 months rehabbing your shoulder only to pick up another big inury in your first match back. 😦

So that WAS the Denver Debacle. After Thursday’s rant I felt a tiny bit disloyal, but there’s no point in pretending I loved Vince’s tactics when I didn’t. However, when Michael Cole said this at the end of the show….

“Well thank you WWE Universe for all your support, this week, and each and every week. Thank you everybody, and good night from Los Angeles.”

………..I felt compelled to accept the gesture of gratitude. Now, let’s just forget this every happened and move on to better things.

the dirtiest job on the internet

It’s a dirty job being a wrestling fan.  It’s an even filthier form of voluntary employment when you decide you’re going to set up a blog or website where you write about wrestling several times a week.  Justifying your devotion to a product most people don’t understand is not easy. I think that’s why wrestling fans band together so tightly and have such a close knit community. Once you get it, once you have a grip on the terminology, once you fully understand why it’s ok that they’re pulling the punches, you’re in the club. Meeting fellow wrestling fans is like skipping the pleasantries. You can just jump to a common place of understanding.

If you’re reading this I suspect you are a regular WWE viewer. If not, why are you here? No, really, I’m curious. Let me know. Be honest, how many times has someone scoffed at the fact that you watch wrestling.  Loads, right? I wish I had a tenner for every time someone had said “Huh-huh-huh you know it’s not real don’t you, sweetheart?”  What? Really? You shattered my  dreams. Oh My God, I totally thought Triple H was away from the ring because Randy Orton put him in hospital. WANKERS! Sorry, but I can’t stand it when people who know nothing about wrestling try to tell ME all about it

I get even more wound up when they take the piss out of the fact that I’m a woman who enjoys wrestling. “Huh-huh-huh you only watch it to gawp at the blokes’ arses don’t you, darlin’. ” Erm, it’s a bonus, but NO, I watch it because I love it for the amazing athleticism and the entertainment value. The hot men are a really nice addition. TOSSERS!

This week’s Monday Night Raw really tested my mettle as a WWE super-fan. What has now been dubbed the ‘Denver Debacle’ took a trashy turn and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to recap Raw this week out of protest. But there were a few gems of brilliance, so I’ll recap them separately in one of my raw(lite) posts tomorrow. So yes, the Denver Debacle.

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I know everyone is all caught up by now, but basically Raw was supposed to be live from Denver this week. Unfortunately, a ‘real sport’ (basketball) decided it needed the Pepsi Center for the 4th game in the NBA Play-Offs. Obviously, this was a double booking of epic proportions and a little shameful on the part of the Nuggets’ management for having no faith in their team.  I really think the NBA should have made alternative arrangements, but that wasn’t to be. They had the power to boot Raw out of the arena, and they did.

I don’t normlly shake my pom-poms for basketball. Two reasons. The first is that I hold a grudge against my PE teacher in high school who told me “Rachel, rwyt ti’n chwarae pel-fasged yn dda iawn ond rwyt ti’n rhi fur i ymuno â’r tîm.” BITCH! And for those of you who don’t speak Welsh she said “Rachel, you’re very good at playing baskeball but you’re too short to join the team.” BITCH! I also hate the general thuggery of the NBA. The fact that young boys aspire to this shallow, materialistic, arrogant lifestyle makes me feel a little sickly and it detracts from the actual athletics.  When I took part in the college bracketology thing in March I chose my teams based on location, school colours and how cute the mascot animal is. Anyway, what I’m trying to demonstrate is that I don’t care about basketball or the NBA Play-offs. Mission accomplished.

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Gayest mascot in college. (Sorry, Pat)

Now, despite the fact that WWE lost this particular battle, the whole thing could have been handled in a professional business-like manner, right? No. Not according to Vince McMahon. He could have just sued Stan Kroenke’s ass for all it’s worth. Nope. He turned the whole thing in to a giant, puff-ball of promotional crap that made wrestling appear ridiculous and made wrestling fans look like unintelligent morons.  Basketball, American Football, Hockey and Baseball rolled their eyes, shook their heads and basked in the validity of their own sports.

Forced out of the Pepsi Center, WWE could have moved to Invesco Field so that the good people of Denver could still see the show they paid for. They could have moved to a town nearby so that those who already had tickets would have had the opportunity of travelling a reasonably short distance to the show. They could have taken operations to MSG, who offered to house them. But going to New York, staying in Denver or moving to a nearby town would not ‘damage’ the Denver Nuggets. Instead of being grown, professional  adults and doing what was best for the fans, WWE chose the low road and played childish games that nobody found particularly entertaining. I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I whole-heartedly advocate not taking wrestling too seriously……but SERIOUSLY, WWE, GROW THE FUCK UP!

I knew things were going to be bad when Vince appeared on ESPN waving a Kobe jersey and challenging Kroenke to a steel cage match the week previous.

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This week’s Monday Night Raw was held at the Staples Center in LA. Home of the Lakers. The first 15 minutes (minimum) of the show were spent with Vince supposedly humiliating a bad E. Stan Kroenke lookalike in the ring. The only thing that may have made it mildly funnier would hve been if they’d had John Cena dressed like Kroenke. The lookalike they hired looked kind of like an ugly version of John’s George Peppard from his Bad, Bad Man music video.

And d’you know what the ultimate insult was? The fact that the E in E. Stan Kroenke stands for Enus. Enus sounds like……. And THAT’S the joke. Vince McMahon almost said penis. OH MY GOD, he nearly used an anatomical term on TV. You know who finds that funny? 10 year old boys. And Lakers fans. Why would they complain? They get some wrestling they didn’t expect to have and they get two hours oF bagging out their basketball enemies. Perfect. For them.

For those of us watching at home it was painful.  The Jack Nicholson, David Stern and Jerry Buss lookalikes in the crowd were silly and getting the heels to wrestle the good guys wearing Nuggets (BOO) and Lakers (YAY) jerseys in one big brawl at the end of the show looked so ridiculous I almost couldn’t watch.

Thankfully, the middle parts of Raw were passable and there were even a couple of wrestlegam moments. Yes. REALLY. But I’ll save them for tomorrow. Something to look forward to.

Just a final message for Mr. McMahon – the WWE Universe (as you have branded us) is loyal and forgiving. We want high standard wrestling and compelling storylines. No more bullshit. I can’t keep trying to explain how awesome the WWE is to people who don’t get it when all I’m trying to defend is pettiness I don’t even believe in myself.

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WWE, DON’T STOP BEING AWESOME.  SOMETIMES  YOU’RE AMAZING. BUT YOU’RE MAKING MY JOB REALLY AWKWARD AT THE MOMENT.

PS>  I wouldn’t normally do this, but in the interest of solidarity against bullshit you should read this. It’s a humorous look at the XBA Vince jokingly promised to deliver. Genius little piece of writing.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and scrub myself clean. Not for continuing to promote WWE, but for actually plugging a post written by my arch enemies in comedy. Eww, I feel dirty.


raw(lite): mojo restoration

Much as I enjoy PPVs, they’re harder to write about than Raw and Smackdown. They don’t have the snappy structure of a weekly show. So I’m quite pleased to be back with Raw for this recap.

We got going with Randy Orton crowing over the fact that he was still WWE champion. Oh My God. I think he’s getting sexier by the week. And I can’t even figure out why I love him so much ’cause I’m usually a cheerleader for nice boys you can take home to your mummy. When he was  walking the halls before coming out for the final match of the night, I involuntarily bit my bottom lip. A true marker or hawtness. I’ll treat you to that picture laterz. Back in the ring his speech turned to Ric Flair. Oh no. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to end well? Randy dared Ric to get in to his business again. Oh, you KNOW what’s coming.

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Ric verbally slapped Randy down for trying to get himself disqualified at Judgment Day and suggested that, just because he still had the bling swinging over his shoulder, he wasn’t the big man he pretended to be. Ric also suggested that Dave Batista was the great beakout star of Evolution and NOT Randy. Apparently Dave Zoom-Zoooooomed past Randy and left him eating dust. Errrr, yah, don’t THINK SO, Ric.

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I’m not happy about Ric Flair being back after such a lavish farewell. But if all he wants to do is some kind of BFF thing with Batista, maybe I can live with it. No fighting, just talking. He went on to tell us that he’s arranged with Vickie G. that Randy and Dave will fight in a steel cage at the Extreme Rules in three weeks. (Aright? Aright?) Randy decided he want to give carrier pigeon Flair a message to take back to Batista and planted his fist on his chin.

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Randy’s two henchmen casually made their way to join in the beating but then Dave appeared from behind their backs and started a scrap of his own.  Everything was going as expected and I was waiting on Vickie to put a cap on the carnage with an EXCUUUUSE MEEEEY! But the crowd screamed in a way the Vickster can only dream of.  They holla’d for whom? Joooooohn Ceeeeeeena. YAAAAY! Well, looks like John might be getting his wish to work with Randy after all.

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Ummm, by the way King, it’s CAV-A-LRY…..’ Calvary’ is the supposed site of the crucifixion. M.Cole made the same mistake later on too.

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Backstage Josh Matthews, who always seems to be lurking in dark shadows waiting to pounce, jumped out on Cena to ask why he intervened.  It was all about restoring pride, or something, I dunno. I wasn’t paying attention to his words. All I could think about was that it was like someone had restored John’s missing mojo. Like Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me. I know what you’re thinking. Yes. You’re right. It WAS me who had that restorative honour.  Oh, and Vickie then announced a match between Legacy and Cena/Batista for the end of the show. Fabulous!

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It was my pleasure entirely.

Shimmying back to the ring, we’re about to be delighted with a Diva’s Battle Royal for a shot at the Diva’s Championship. We had Rosa Mendes, The Bella Twins, Jillian, Kelly-Kelly, Mickie James and Beth Phoenix all scrapping for shot at Maryse.  Oh and Maryse was annoying as ever at the announce table.

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Rosa, The Twins and Jillian went out first. Unsurprising. That just left Kelly with Beth and Mickie so we figure Kelly’s going over the ropes next, right? Wrong. Beth was about to javelin throw Kelly through the ropes but she managed to get out of the hold, got back to her feet and kicked Beth through the ropes. SHOCKER! Beth, in her fury, tried to pull Kelly out of the ring AFTER she’d been eliminated. While this tustle was going on Maryse left her commentary post and hopped over to Mickie James, spraying her in the face with some kind of mist.

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What was it?

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Did they really have to make Maryse spray her with hairspray or Evian in a can or whatever it was? Urgh! Oh well. Mickie rolled around in agony after taking some Elnett to the eye. I’ve accidentally done that to myself before. Quite painful, but it keeps the eyelashes in place. Mickie rolled herself out of the ring leaving Kelly-Kelly victorious. What? Kelly getting a push? Noes Ways. I’ll believe it when I see it. I can’t tell if she was really worried about Mickie, really happy or REALLY terrified of Maryse. We shall how it plays out tomorrow.

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Next up, Santino v Chavo. You mean Santino’s wrestling a match? As himself? Not as his pseudo-sister? It all seemed to be passing off without much drama and I thought maybe this was the end of SantinA.  Santino Marella pinned Chavo and a shocked looking Santino began making his way up the ramp.  But wait, SantinA ain’t dead. DAMN! Chavo made a match between SantinA and…..wait for it…..Vickie Guerrero. Uh-oh. Tía Vickie ain’t gonna be pleased with you, Chavo.

Moving on, you know what I love? The WWE statistics they like to flash up during the shows. So what do we have this week?

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Umm. When you start bragging about choke-slamming Tigger, you’ve plummeted to a new low.

After trip in to my own private hell……………….

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Josh Matthews’ guest at this time was Matt Hardy. He waffled about the fact that he interfered with Jeff’s JD match to make him pay for breaking his second metacarpals. Yada-yada-yada.  When then jump over to Vickie’s office and, oh, I was right. Vickie – she maaaad! And so is Randy Orton. He’s none too pleased about his steel cage match at Extreme Rules.

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This was followed by Carlito and Primo v The Brian Kendrick and Goldust. Primo pinned Kendrick, who spent his time bitching at Goldust for apparently being a sub-standard tag partner. Hornswoggle appeared and both he and Goldust attacked Kendrick. Ridiculous.

The Miz is up next and it seems that he’s taking his one-sided feud with John Cena to a new level.

John’s thuganomics music started playing and he began doing some horrible, old-skool-John rapping. Like when he used to do this kind of stuff…..

John didn’t respond and The Miz declared himself 5 and 0 against him. Someone else, however, had something to say about this. Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler had had quite enough of this delusion and tried to expose the flaws in The Miz’s theories through practical demonstration.

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It was looking like The King had persuaded The Miz to go and see Vickie for a real match against John when the Big Show decided to join in and let everyone know that he wasn’t done with John Cena himself. The Miz, looking a little overwhelmed by Big Show’s stature, ran out the ring and threw Jerry Lawler  at the Big Show like a human sheild. There was no easy way to end the segment, so Big Show put a sleeper on Lawler.

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Lawler’s warm seat next to Michael Cole  was taken up by JR who, you know, just happened to be hanging around behind the pyro, and they did their ‘sad times’ faces for King.  Matt Hardy and M.V.P fought in a nothing match where Montel won.

We then went to the locker room, where Dave was preparing for the big finale with Ric Flair at his side. They had an uncomfortable conversation that felt a little bit like art imitating life. Did I just call the WWE art? The really telling line was “Just ’cause I’m retired, doesn’t mean I can’t fight.” Umm, yeah, that’s exactly what it means. That’s like saying just because I’m allergic to kiwi fruit, doesn’t mean I can’t eat one.  Dave delicately tried to point out that Ric’s fighting services wouldn’t be needed, which went down like a lead balloon, and Ric refused to hold Dave’s hand as he walked to the ring.

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Next up, SantinA and Vickie fought for the Miss Wrestlemania crown. There was muc chatter, SantinA kissed Vickie, made more pig references, Chavo made it a no DQ match, he interfered, got thrown over the top rope, William Regal ran in, floored SantinA and left Vickie to pin SantinA for the crown.

I need something to bring me back to life. Something to resuscitate me, please?

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THE lip-biting moment. *SIGH*

Very…..awakening. I don’t know if it was because this week’s Raw was so low on decent matches or if the finale really was very good, but it was a GREAT match. Loads of high energy and piles of tagging in and out of the ring.  Just as I was thinking how great it was that John Cena had an opponent that made him shine, Big Show appeared and lured him up the ramp. Batista was left on his own with Legacy. Or was he? All of a sudden Ric Flair flipped Cody Rhodes in to the ring, giving Batista the opportunity to pin Randy for the win. They did some shifty camera work so we wouldn’t quite see what was really going on til the replay. Sneaky things.

Raw(Lite): If it wasn’t for those pesky kids…..

Ok, I’m starting to think something dodgy is going on around here. First I get a horrible migraine that takes almost a week to recover from, then I get a cold, and now I’ve got an inflamed eardrum that’s retaining fluid. This is not only causing severe pain but also sending my balance off and making me feel like I’m walking on a trampoline, even on hard ground.  Has my water supply been spiked with some kind of disease? I’m starting to wonder if another blog similar to my own is trying to kill off the competition. Not pointing my finger at anyone, but you know who you are.

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Anyway, I won’t let stabbing ear pain stop me from bringing you the LOLz you’ve been waiting for, so here goes. This week’s Raw was hilarious. And yes, you guessed it, in all the wrong places. Our main event storyline was like an episode of Scooby Doo. Don’t understand? You will. Actually, let’s have a spot of music just to create the correct atmosphere for this week’s Raw……

We got started with LG introducing my robot man, Randy Orton, who has his usual two robot helpers at his side. He told the crowd they were cowards and cooed over the fact that he had put a halt to the McMahon era.  He went on to discuss the fact that Vickie G. had put a ‘no contact til Judgement Day’ ruling over Randy and Dave. But where there’s a will there’s a way and, as Randy himself said “just because we can’t touch, doesn’t mean we can’t talk!” Sounds like a tagline on a promotional poster for phone sex.

Batista decided he did want a chat and made his way to the ring. I’m surprised he didn’t just call Randy on his mobile and ask what he was wearing. No, wait, that was just me. Anyway, to Dave’s surprise, despite not being second or third generation, Randy invited him to join Legacy. Whaaaa? Dave was stunned. DiBiase decided to play his part in the recruitment drive and explained that being kicked in the head by Randy Orton pretty much saved him from a life of mediocrity. They look like those scary people who stand in the street shouting about how the Lord wants to save my soul from sin and lead me away from temptation.  Yah. Good luck with that. I just ate three Jammie Dodgers in a row, in a week where I’m supposed to be eating healthy. Temptation resistance – not my bag.

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For a brief moment I almost believed that Dave was about to jump the corporate fence and join Legacy. But then he told Randy he hated him/despised him/loathed him (delete as appropriate) and believed Randy had misunderstood the difference between Help and Hurt. YEEEAH!  LOVE IT! It looked as if they might get it on right there and then, but a big screeching EX-CUUUUUUUSE MEEEEY interrupted proceedings. It went round the houses but what eventually came out if it was that Dave had to fight the Priceless boys. If Dave won he could have Randy all to himself that night. If Ted and Cody won, it would be a 3-on-1 handicap match like last week. I think. It’s all a bit convoluted.

So that match happened and Dave was disqualified for using a chair. Silly Dave, this ain’t no hardcore match. So now he has to take on all three of Legacy. Well, you’ve only got yourself to blame, sir.

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So after that it was time for the women. Oh no. I thought Maryse couldn’t get any more annoying. WRONG! She’s even more irritating when she speaks French. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some kind of Francophobe or anything, her Frenchness just seems to enhance my irritation. Just flick your weave and move aside, please. Jillian, her partner, was already in the ring, so we just needed an entrance from Twitter addict, Mickie James, and Regulation Hottie, Kelly-Kelly. It was all fairly low-key, Kelly-Kelly did lots of backflips, but it all kicked off when Maryse and Mickie got in the ring together. Before that Michael Cole gave us a few interesting Maryse facts – apparently she can cook, she likes Guns and Roses and she likes men who bathe regularly. Fascinating. Grab those bars of soap, boys, you’re in with a shot! Mickie did her thing, pinned Maryse for the win, looked after baby Kelly, then got straight on her iPhone and thanked all her Twitter fans for their support. Aww. Bless.

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Certainly seems that way.

Alright, you’re probably waiting for the Scooby Doo part, right? Oh, ok. Well here it is anyway. IT. WAS. AMAZING. I may even have squealed with excitement. It started a little something like this……..

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Backstage Chavo railroads Vickie in to making John Cena prove he’s not faking his injuries in a match against The Miz. HUH? We’ll see how that pans out later. King and Michael Cole got in the ring to do the hard sell for the PPV, but nobody could concentrate with Scooby Rhodes missing. The saga continued…..

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After that high-class comedy drama Carlito took on THE Brian Kendrick. Kendrick won and vowed to find himself a partner to challenge Carlito and Primo for the Tag Team Titles. So after that the Big Show galumphed to the edge of the announce table to watch John Cena take on The Miz. John, looking more like his normal self (yes, I released the real one back in to the community) saluted the crowd and fiercely entered the ring. Hi, honey! And then my heart sank. Never before has such a bitchin’ guitar riff made my nose scrunch up and my brow furrow.  Here comes The Miz.  He’s that kid you used to babysit who repeated everything you said just to piss you off. He’s the dude in college who thought being a smart-ass to the lecturer would impress the ladies. He’s the….. you get the idea.

vlcsnap-8383239 copyT-shirt (minus my adaptation) available via  palmercash.com, my fave t-shirt shop.

The match itself wasn’t that special. They both pulled out their usual, signature moves. It was odd not seeing some guy in a humbug shirt running around, the ref being Vickie Guerrero watching via video backstage. John proved that he was fit enough to wrestle, but then Vickie frighteningly appeared on the titantron and claimed that she did not believe he had a chance against Big Show.

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Huh? Excuse ME? Does that mean the match at Judgement Day is off? Or maybe it just means the end of THIS match? This whole show is getting way too confusing.  John, also feeling confused, was pounced upon by The Miz and finished off. *sigh* Oh and The Miz cleared his sinuses on John’s back too. Nice. I thought they just did that in rugby.

On to something just as confusing, some more Scooby Doo action……….

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Yikes. I hope Scooby Rhodes really does have this taken care of. Back in Vickie’s office there’s more Santina nonsense. Chavo and Vickie decided to test for boner reactions by making Rosa give him/her a good luck kiss. When the reaction was overly amorous, Santino covered it up by claiming to be a lesbian. Oh please. Come on. How long are they going to string this out? Poor Beth Phoenix. She’s the best female wrestler in the entire company and she gets caught up in this silliness.

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I wish Santino wasn’t such a successful comedian. Maybe then they’d have canned it earlier. Anyway, Beth and Santina wrestled, with Santina winning again. I get the joke, but can we please wrap it up with a bow and send it packing at Judgement Day? Grazie!

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In the back, Josh Matthews harassed a dejected John Cena for an interview on how he’s going to muster up the strength to compete at JD. John gave a lovely speech about how, in spite of his injuries and coming up against sad/bad times, he planned on doing what he does best – adapt, overcome and go out to win. “Ahhhhh”, I was thinking. “Cena’s back”. Then just as Josh tried to recap, John came back to make sure his point was clear.

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Hey-laaaa, hey-laaaa, my Cena’s back!

Back in the ring, M.V.P is hosting his first VIP Lounge segment on Raw. Not that I’ve been invited to many VIP lounges, but seems kinda lame to me. Anyway, M.V.P attempted to lure William Regal to the ring by insulting his manhood. It worked. I think last week I  might have given the impression that I don’t like Regal. Not true. In fact, I’m pretty proud that a man with a Blackpool accent (albeit a slightly posh version) is on mainstream  international TV with a load of Americans and Canadians. Good on yer, loovleh.  Back to the action…… Montel told Regal he was boring, Regal insulted Americans (but it’s soooo easy to dooooo!)  and Matt Hardy decided to throw his pouting chops in to the mix.   He was closely followed by Kofi Kingston, who began ripping at Hardy. Chavo delivered a message from Vickie which said that Kofi and M.V.P would be tag-teaming against Regal and Hardy IMM-E-DI-ATELY!

Not a bad match actually. Although Matt Hardy just looks wrong wrestling in jeans. Eveny my John bearly pulls that off. And seeing Regal wrestling properly again was nicer than I had expected. M.V.P flipped Regal and pinned him for the win. Kingston and M.V.P? Future Tag Teamers? Maybe? Probably not. They have too much going for themselves individually. They look cute together though. Like Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf on Inside Sport.

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Ok, so, with Scooby Rhodes and Shaggy DiBiase taken out of action by The Animal in the haunted arena, Orton had no choice but to try and unmask the evil fairground owner by himself.  You’re keeping up with this analogy, right? I actually just realised that my title doesn’t correlate with what happened at the end of Raw. Oh well, too late now.  Batista ripped Randy to shreds and even the late appearance from Ted and Cody couldn’t save him. So, he kinda DID get away with it, DESPITE those pesky kids. I really should have thought it though. Nevermind. You still love me, yeah? Good. Phew!

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See you after Smackdown, lovelies.