Smackdown(lite): Hamlet, Hair, Hobos and Hugs

Same arena, same crappy set, different day. Yep, Smackdown too was from the London O2 arena this week. Well, why spend 24 hours moving to a new city when you can stay where you are and drink the hotel bar dry. I’m talking to YOU, Miz. Twitter is so much fun.

I think I have an apology to make. I TOTALLY missed the fact that the set had a red phone box on it. I only noticed it when I watched Smackdown. That really tops it off. Because I don’t think those things even exist any more…apart from as novelties. WWE set designers: when you return to these shores in November you must try harder or I’ll pound ya!

vlcsnap-1495195-copy

So we begin with Edge. If I hadn’t enjoyed Smackdown so much this week, I’d quite happily have ditched the rest of it and just recapped Edge’s soliloquy. Seriously, it was like an Ontario Theatre Company’s production of Hamlet. It was a thing of beauty. But Smackdown was worthy of a full run-down so this will have to be a long one.

You know, if all this were real, I’d be wrapping a patchwork quilt around Edge, making him some tea, and calling Social Services. In fact, he was so convincingly deranged on SD that I was inches away from being sucked in.  But then I realised that no man who is so up-to-date with his blonde highlights roots could be losing the plot, and I came back down to earth.

vlcsnap-1433401-copy

By  the way, if anyone knows what brand of sunnies he’s wearing there, let me know. I WANT! Actually, maybe I’ll just ask him myself on Twitter.

It started well. Edge was calm, collected, cool, cucumber-esque.  But then he started recalling John’s resolve and  began descending in to desperation. He reminded us of the whooping he gave John on Raw and suddenly realised how alone he really is. GOD, I eat this stuff up. The spotlight in the ring, all those long camera shots followed by extreme close-ups. Oooh yeah! He told us once again that he feels worthless without the title, ran his fingers through his beautifully coiffed tresses and…..

“My wife Vickie can’t help…….I have no friends……in your own words John, I’m a desperate man!”

At this point I was so involved I felt like putting my hand on his shoulder and saying I, will be your friend.” Yes, you are correct, I AM a loser.  Nevertheless, he went on to prematurely declare himself the Last Man Standing. Fabulous. (Copeland….let me know who does your highlights too, please.)

vlcsnap-1457283-copy

Now that I’m emotionally spent I could do with some light relief. Unfortunately, Todd Grisham’s crack about the Queen’s crib and BBQ ham didn’t satisfy. Must be one of those American jokes I don’t understand. Like Sarah Silverman.

First match of the night is Matt Hardy & Kane Vs Jeff Hardy & CM Yum.  The whole Matt/Jeff ‘I quit’ thing is kind of redundant now, being that we all know Jeff won’t be resigning his current contract. Apparently he’s tired and just wants to do something else for a while.  I kind of admire him for having the courage to do that when he’s so popular at the moment. Ooh, serious mo there. Back to the match. It wasn’t bad actually. Some nice little shimmies. And surprisingly long for a Smackdown match. Matt pinned Jeff FTW.  I notice you’re having some make-up slippage issues there, Jeffrey. Try Revlon Colour-Stay Foundation. It can be a bit cakey if you don’t put it on with a light touch, but it does last. Even on oily skin. And it’s reasonably priced too.

vlcsnap-1483134-copy

Big Show/Undertaker was kind of slow and tedious. I felt like I wanted to find their wind-up key and make things go faster. So, to continue the hair and beauty theme (which I swear was totally unplanned) I found myself thinking about how I’d change Undertaker’s fake-tan to a less vibrant shade of tangerine and teach him how to use eyeliner so he doesn’t end up with a harsh line. Smudge, babe. Smudge.

vlcsnap-15105671

After a huge punch from the ginormous fist of the Big Show, Undertaker was deemed unfit to continue. Taker stumbled to his feet looking like a wasted hobo, and countered to regain his dignity. Buh-bye Big Show. Enjoy Raw!

h

Time for some lady action – Gail Kim v Maryse. I don’t know what it is about Maryse, but I’m not liking her. Something doesn’t sit right with me. And it’s not that “Bitch is more beautiful than me so I hate her guts” stuff either. Todd Grisham dared to say “that this French-Canadian is less popular over here in the United Kingdom than she is in North America.” Ohhh that’s what it is. The British have an involuntary hate of all Frenchness. (Apart from the cheap wine we like to sneak over on the ferry from Callais). And I thought it was just the irritating hair-flicking and the evil-claw-hand. Now I understand. On the flip side, I kind of like Gail Kim. But every time I see her I think of the ‘Cool Asians’ in the cafeteria scene in Mean Girls.  Observe…….

Say what you want about Li-Lo’s debauched lesbian lifestyle, Mean Girls is one of the greatest films ever created. End of. Back to the business of grappling.  Maryse won and flicked her hair so hard she did her back in. Whooda thunk it? Weighty hair weave really is bad for your health.

vlcsnap-1542250

Jeff Hardy did a strange, swirly promo for Backlash, which I can only think was shot by some guy thinking “I spent four years at film school to work on this shit, I’m at least gonna be creative and maybe then I’ll get a movie gig.” Yah. Ok. Well….moving on. I can’t be bothered to talk about M.V.P and Chavo…..you just need to know that Montel won the match. Another one disappearing to Raw. His exit from the ring was interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. Umm. WHOOOOO? I’m so not into this guy. Firstly he has the hideous hair of Billy Gunn, then I can’t hear his name without thinking of Dolph Lundgren (remember him in Rocky IV) and apart from that he just seems like a complete tosser. Not a partial tosser, a complete one. I hope he doesn’t get any undeserved pushes. I will be pushing him straight back the way he came.

dlz

We’re not getting the new WWE Superstars show over here yet (correct me if I’m wrong). I downloaded it last week but haven’t bothered yet this week. Thankfully, the John Cena interview from Superstars was repeated on SD. Lovely. But poor John was not feeling himself. He seemed a little blue. Awww. What’s up, sweetheart? He took a microphone, told Grisham he didn’t want to talk to him, looked straight in to the camera and said “For once, I’d like to talk to YOU.” That’s it. I was gone. Whatever words came out of his mouth, in my head, all I heard was this……..

jccomic1

I gave myself a wrestlegasm with my own thoughts. Errrrrm, yeah. So….back in the realms of reality, the show ended with Shane and Batista Vs Rhodes and DiBiase. Kind of predictable, but fair play to Shane, he had a good go. He looked absolutely knackered by the end of it. Maybe if he wore less clothing he wouldn’t get so warm. Just sayin’. Shane made the pin, by the way. Oh and he even overcame his fear of boy juice and gave Dave a squeeze at the end. Nice.

vlcsnap-1622185

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER(S) OF THE SHOW

vlcsnap-1546081-copy

These three who, despite possessing 0% dancability, rocked it out to M.V.P’s entrance music. You shake those tail feathers, fellas!

Advertisements

raw(lite): in my backyard

It has been a progressive week for those of us at wrestlegasm.com….and by ‘us’ I mean me. I made a triumphant return to my driving lessons, the pilates tutor came back from her Easter holidays making me feel all flexi again, it was close but no cigar with regard to meeting Rey Mysterio, and a girl flirted with me while she rubbed a promotional skincare product in to my hands. Yes! A Girl! I was spooked, but she rubbed me nice so I bought the product. Don’t judge. My other half is across the  Atlantic.  I’ll take any physical contact available.

kp

None of this has anything to do with Raw, so I’d better get started.

The WWE collective made their way over to my fair isle this week as part of their European tour.  I won’t tell you how much it made my heart ache that I couldn’t be in London for Raw and/or Smackdown but I’m still grasping at my chest at regular intervals.  The Cardiff events were house-shows and I doubt anyone that spectacular was there, but still, IT HOITS!

Raw was from the O2 Arena in London this week. Despite my sadness at not being there I was looking forward to being able to watch Monday Night Raw LIVE

  1. on Monday Night
  2. at a reasonable time of the day

Oh how wrong I was. Yes, Raw was in London but I had to wait until 2am for it to be broadcast so that Americans didn’t get annoyed that someone saw it before they did. Pppppfft! Americans. Gotta have everything their own way. Living in the future sucks. No wonder Marty Mcfly went back to 1985 at the end of BTTF 2. And just in case you were unsure whether  Raw was actually in London this week or not, the lame-ass set was there to help you out.

vlcsnap-106730-copy

They should have given me a call. I’m sure I could have come up with a more representative set.

britishset-copy

Anyway, time for some action. The week before they shift over to their new jobs on different brands is always a bit mixed. Welcome to the ‘tying up lose ends’ show. We begin with Mr. Jericho looking rather fetching in another snazzy suit, explaining that we’ve never really understood his brilliance. Honey, I hope you don’t count me in all that. I get your brilliance. I’m all over your brilliance like…ya know. Then we get a visit from Ricky Steamboat.  You know around Wrestlemania when I commented on his possibly hotness?  Errrrm, yeah, I’m gonna need to take that back. Thanks. It was the dad polo under his suit jacket that reversed his appeal. A step too far in to the aged-area.

vlcsnap-90412-copy1

Ricky thanked Jericho for challenging the old duffers to a match at WM because it gave him the chance to return to his former glory, which Y2J beat down with a verbal stick, and challenged him to a repeat performance. Pause in the script and whooooooooooop here comes John Cena to put his arm around Steamboat and do a whole “Don’t pick on my mate!” schtick! But he didn’t. Chrissy-boy slinked out of the ring, Ricky Steamboat accepted the Wrestlemania rewind match and John Cena challenged Chris to a match that night. Yuuuuuuum! The two of them shirtless at the same time. Jericho didn’t seem too pleased, but I like to think that’s just because he was worried he wouldn’t look as hunky next to John. John being so enormous and all. It’s alright, sweets, I lust you both equally. Mwah!

fox

I have no idea what the Chavo Guerrero/Batista bit was all about. An odd comedy time filler. I’ll give it no more of my precious time. Backstage Shane and Dave were lined up to give me my first Man-Hug Moment of the Week but then Shane, like a complete pussy, pulled out at the last minute. Bloody hell Shane, it’s just sweat. It won’t burn your pale Connecticut skin. Doesn’t he realise I LIVE for the man-hugs?

mhm

Next CM Punk Vs Kane. I had been crushing on Punk all week so I was looking forward to his appearance. Ummm, has he always worn those lavender coloured short-shorts, or is it just because I’m paying particular attention to his crotch now that he’s moved up in the hotness league. And why do the light colours seem so much more revealing?  I digress. Punk won the match, proving that wearing lady knickers is conducive to success.

vlcsnap-53551-copy

I’m still maintaining my Santino Embargo, so I won’t say anything about it. Melina beat Beth in her last match on Raw and we’re backstage again with Shane and Triple H. They DID have a man hug moment but I’m pissed off with Shane for retreating from the first one so I’m not giving him the satisfaction of being in another. Let that be a lesson to you, Sir.

On we go and it’s time for John Cena and Chris Jericho.  Good God – I think I died and went to meat-head heaven.  Speaking of meat…………ok I was gonna make a joke about me being the filling in their sandwich but it’s just too obvious.

vlcsnap-151198-copy

The crowd revealed themselves to be unmistakably British during this match. This country hates a good-guy. Seriously, when someone does really well the first reaction of this nation is to bring them down. No wonder we have national self-esteem issues. Maybe that’s why I loves me some USA. I like championing things. The crowd – they boo JC, then they love him.  They chant expletives at him, then they’re all “Ohhh yooou caaaan’t seeee meee!” Make your mind up, London.

In actual wrestling terms it was a pretty good match. Between the physical strength of JC and Jericho’s imaginative moves, it made for an entertaining dalliance, both chucking in their signature moves, both battling like troopers, even if it didn’t really mean anything. It all fell apart when Edge, the ultimate opportunist (thanks, Michael Cole),  interfered and left Johnny lying in the ring. He battered him some more before dragging in some of those special “steel” chairs. Instead of smashing John’s face in with furniture, he just counted him out for ten. Phew! John’s lips are safe!

edge

On to Rey Mysterio Vs Big Show.  You know what I love about wrestling? That logic plays no part whatsoever. Your educated brain says that the biggest guy in the company could not possibly lose to the tiniest, and yet your wrestling fan brain says “You go for it little-guy. We believe in you!” On this occasion Big Show won. It’s ok, Rey. You’ll live to fight another day. Actually he did. He was in Cardiff the next day signing encyclopedias. SOB!

We finish with our main event of the night.  Am I the only one getting fed up with the whole McMahon family Vs Legacy tripe? I loved it at first but when Triple H won the belt back at WM I started to lose heart. Maybe the peeps in charge have started to realise we’re getting bored because in the middle of Hunter’s entrance they paused to give us a random web-traffic statistic.

We interrupt scheduled programming for this important announcement: Boys like wrestling more than they like Oprah!

We interrupt scheduled programming for this important announcement: Boys like wrestling more than they like Oprah!

Why are they doing Triple H/Orton now? Aren’t we gonna see it ALL OVER AGAIN ON SUNDAY? Well, Monday for me. The match was fine but my storyline related grumpiness overshadowed the moves. It ended in a mass brawl with everyone involved in the Sunday main event knocking lumps out of each other.  Shane’s rolling punches and jabs are hilarious. He was most definitely born in the wrong age.

Randy pinned The Game and feigned a thigh injury to end the night. *bad sigh* Thank god this story comes to an end at the weekend. Sheesh!

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

fv

This little dude. He has no idea what a sycophant is, but he knows he should be booing Chris Jericho when he says it. Awww.

Smackdown(Lite) Broken Men

I’ve kind of run out of time this week. The WWE Draft takes place on a special 3-hour Raw tonight and I haven’t even reviewed Friday’s Smackdown yet. Boo-hoo. Don’t question me. I have very valid reasons, ok?

In general, most of the superstars seemed a little worn out. Fair play, they had that long Wrestlemania weekend where they were pretty much on duty 24/7. Then Raw, live, on Monday. Then the taping of ECW and Smackdown on Tuesday. The boyz and girlz iz sleepy. And kind of broken. So, I’ll just pick out the real stand-out moment from Smackdown, Edge, a truly broken man.

When he first appeared, perched on his bar-stool in the middle of the ring, I thought he was going to burst in to song. I was expecting him to  seranade us with One For My Baby, light up a cigarette and slam his empty scotch tumbler on the bar. If, that is, there was an actual bar there.

What he actually told an unsympathetic crowd, was that he hadn’t slept in a week and that he was crushed by the fact that his title had been stolen from him by everyone’s Mr. Wonderful – John Cena.  You know what? Edge doesn’t get enough credit when he pulls this stuff. He’s so good, I don’t think the audience realises just how well he’s acting. Although, I’m pretty sure those bags under his eyes are as genuine as the suitcases under mine.

vlcsnap-7187236

As amazing as Edge is at making the crowd hate his guts, John Cena is just as brilliant at getting the crowd to lick his….err….wristbands. Out comes my lovely, smiling, ray of sunshine …..peacocking about with his new bling. OOooOoOorgh! Your lips look gorgeous tonight, John. But, ahem, that has nothing to do with the segment, just an observation.

lippage

Moving on…… things start to get a little dark. Damn, Adam. You’re so good at this. Adam Edge tells John how he has no purpose without his Heavyweight title. How, stealing his golden life preserver has left him adrift and how he brought Cena out to let him know just how broken he was feeling. John and the crowd weren’t buying it and he RSVP’d with a slow, precise, perfectly timed……

“Get over yourself, Edge! You, lost, at Wrestlemania.”

SWOOOOOOOOOOOON! But that was just the beginning.

John dragged his stool in a little closer, after being told that he ruined Edge’s life, and got serious. I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE when John gets really serious. He drops ‘Brand Cena’ and seems like a real person. The meeting of their two opposite characters was, as usual, awesome. Edge, so shaken and desperate, John, so controlled and secure. John gave Edge a speech that left him, well, speechless. And as he went to walk away this beautifully manic piece of psychological tennis ensued:

“I hate you. I HATE YOU! Hate. Hate is a strong word but it sums up everything I feel for you Cena. I hate your hat, I hate your t-shirts, I hate your wristbands, I hate your shoes, I hate your music, I hate the C-Nation, I hate everything that you stand for.”

vlcsnap-7212963-copyCheck out that under-eye luggage.  You need an icy flannel and some rest, darling.

But oh no….fuck yeah…..J-to-tha-C’s about to lose his rag. Time to put a stop to flaky Edge with a big, definite NOOOOOOOOO!”

vlcsnap-7218913

The crowd, at this point, are totally sucked in. And so am I. John gets a lot of shit for being Mr. Corporate. Sometimes it is easy to forget he’s where he is because he’s a nice little package of everything. John’s next little ‘moment’ seals the deal for me. Take it away baby………

“You, you may be a better wrestler than me. You may be smarter than me. You may know how to use your opportunities and resources to get you a championship but I look in to your eyes right now I know you’re desperate. You’re grabbing at straws. You’re tired. You’re exhausted. A last man standing match. A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH? Edge, that is a match based on PUNISHMENT. And I can look in your eyes right now and know I’m telling the damn truth when I tell you I’M TOUGHER THAN YOU. That is why IIIIII will be the last man standing, that is WHYYYY YOOOOU. HATE. ME.”

Holy mother of god. I think I’ma gunna faint from over-stimulation. Someone pass me the smelling salts. And an icy flannel of my own. *Southern Belle Accent* I do declare, Mr. Cena, that I am a little overcome with the tumultuous events of the evening. Would you please be a gentleman and escort me back to my chambers, sir? *wink*

gwtw1

Oh….and just in case you were wondering………………….

vlcsnap-7238766-copy

“It’s not the hat….it’s not the wristbands….. it’s not the t-shirt, it’s not the dog-tags, IT’S THE TRUTH! Because you think about all those matches we’ve had, you think about every time we’ve beat the hell out of each other, every time you’ve ran back at hit me with everything you had….and then WATCHED. ME. GET. BACK. UP. You hate me? You hate me so bad and it’s gotta come to an end? You wanna end it, end it RIGHT NOW! COME ON!”

vlcsnap-7248498

At this point I passed out from extreme passion OVERLOAD. Luckily, I recorded the show so I was able to watch the rest of it afterwards. After much posturing and shirt removal, a demoralised Edge left the ring without harming a hair on Cena’s head. I went somewhere to catch my breath.

vlcsnap-7250831

You know what, I could have just posted a link to this on youtube, but then I wouldn’t be a writer, would I? If you do want to watch it, and I recommend you do, click here for part 1 and then here for part 2.

Enjoy the draft, guys. I’ll catch ya on the flip side. Yo!