Night of Champions: The Predictions

Due to screwed up personal scheduling, we weren’t able to predict SummerSlam the way we like to. Rae wasn’t even supposed to be around to watch it, let alone write about it. Gawd bless the NHS! Andrew did knock some up on our Tumblr though. Life is a little full at the moment, so if you’re finding this space a tad empty, you can find us on Tumblr and on Twitter (here and here) most days. Some spare Sunday moments have allowed us time to predict Night of Champions though, which we invite you to devour forthwith….

Sidekick Andrew: Have I mentioned recently just how much I love Ziggler? His “Ask the Heel” segment on Zack Ryder’s T:LIS has really helped showcase his personality way more than having Vickie Guerrero be his mouthpiece. In fact, speaking of Ask the Heel, I’ve just found out that the logo is based on a “specialist internet website” which makes sense given the amount that Ziggler tweets about porn.

wrestlegasm.com is not responsible for any irrevocable damage to relationships, employment history or congregation size due to visiting the aforementioned website

Anyway, now that my admittedly biased admiration for Ziggler has been reinforced, I’m afraid to say I don’t think he’ll win this match. I’d love him to keep the belt (if nothing else, to paraphrase in Men in Black, he makes it look GOOD) but I think they’ll move it on to someone else for a while. For some reason I’m leaning towards Alex “Utterly Butterly” Riley taking the title. He’s due a push, if for no other reason than to test him. Morrison’s not going to be winning much for a while and Swagger just isn’t doing anything for me at the moment.

Boss Lady Rae: Much as I’ve enjoyed Dolph and Vickie’s comedy coupling, they’ve been teamed up for a long time now. Remember back when Vickie was inviting him into her office to hang pictures on the wall in teeny hotpants? That was aaaaages ago. My Ziggler crush isn’t quite as pulsating as Andrew’s, but I do believe he’s wildly underrated and could be due a solo push without his “cougar” crutch very soon.

Never gets old.

For that reason I think this is the perfect time to shift the title and Vickie’s favour to Jack Swagger. Swagger stops floundering and Dolph starts, once again, trying to get to the top of the roster tree.

This is what happens when Andrew has technical problems and Rae has to finish the graphics.

Sidekick Andrew: Good grief Charlie Brown, I couldn’t agree more. Much as I like Cody Rhodes the chances of Ted DiBiase putting on an enjoyable match rather than coasting along on the family name seem to be getting slimmer than [insert “hilarious” Family Guy style pop culture reference here.] And to think, when Legacy split up DiBiase was the one I had high hopes for. I even had him pegged to wrestle Undertaker at Wrestlemania in a throwback to his dad originally bringing him in.

I’m hoping that Cody retains the title tonight. I’m not against him losing it (he has had it for a while now) but not to DiBiase. Please, anyone but him…

Boss Lady Rae: I wish I cared more about this match. No, really.  I do.  But truth is, every time I see Cody traipsing out with those paper bags all I can think is…. this is seriously still a thing? I like Cody and, like Andrew suggests, it’s astonishing that the break-out star of Legacy was the scrawny kid at the back hoping his mentor would allow him to utter a few words to camera, but this feud has lost me. Win me back, Cody. Win the match, send DiBiase packing, get the train back on the tracks and  let’s move on to better things.

Sidekick Andrew: First of all, Air Boom is a stupid name. I know it was suggested by the WWE Universe but let’s be honest, you wouldn’t trust most of them to choose their own cereal in the morning, never mind name your new tag team champions. I still think they should have gone with my suggestion anyway, not that I’m bitter or anything…

I’m pretty sure it’s too early to take the belts off *cough* Air Boom, so I think this match will end in a DQ finish and they’ll retain. If nothing else the DQ will give Miz/Truth more evidence for their conspiracy theory. Whether this will help kick-start a new tag team renaissance will remain to be seen, but anything that might just bring up the newly signed Antonio Cesaro (hopefully alongside Chris Hero or whatever they call him) can only be a good thing.

Boss Lady Rae: I’d love to have been in the meeting where  they approved the Air Boom name, but on balance I think they made the right decision. Consider some of the other portmanteau possibilities…..EvFi sounds like some kind of communications industry conference that technology nerds would watch streamed over the internet. KoVan is the name of the Turkish bloke who owns my local kebab shop and also wouldn’t look out-of-place on the back of an NBA jersey. (God, I’m glad I don’t have to watch the NBA anymore!) Any amalgamation of Kingston and Bourne comes out sounding like a low rent Jamaican version the Bourne book/film series, which I’d actually quite like to watch.

Hook me up, KoVan.

Enough of this tomfoolery, I think Miz and Truth need something to draw them together and, much as I adore seeing Evan’s happy little face shining next to the glow of the belt draped over his shoulder, I think it might be more interesting to have Miz & Truth holding the titles for a little while. I’m holding fire on hanging all my hopes on seeing the KoW reunited on WWE turf until I see Chris Hero change his Twitter name.

Sidekick Andrew: First of all I need to get something off my chest. Happy as I am that Beth and Natalya have a storyline and are getting to beat people up, this whole Divas of Doom gimmick does come across as slightly insulting. Maybe I’m in the minority in my tastes, but the notion that either of them are somehow less attractive than Kelly Kelly seems pretty laughable. There’s a reason Beth won my Crush Award alongside Dolph in last years awards.

That being said, at least she’s getting TV time now. I’m desperately hoping Beth takes the belt tonight, and hoping against hope that they drop the stupid “butterfly belt” while they’re at it. Also, I’d love it if Natalya started to get jealous over the next few weeks and the two fell out and feuded for a bit – Beth vs Natalya at Survivor Series could be an amazing match.

Boss Lady Rae: That’s definitely where this has to go eventually – Beth and Natalya fighting for the title, and it will be wonderful. But I can’t see it happening that soon. It makes sense to stretch Beth’s win tonight out to start rebuilding the division around stronger, more experienced women. Of course, that’s my inner optimist speaking. The WWE Divas Division is like a manipulative boyfriend you know is going to break your heart again, but maybe, just maybe, he’s changed for good this time. I don’t hate Kelly. I actually think she’s come an amazingly long way. I just desperately want to see the women I look up to leading the way. Don’t go breaking my heart. Again.

Sidekick Andrew: Oh Randy… has anyone fallen from grace with the fans as drastically as you? With the exception of Chris Benoit of course…

Boss Lady Rae: I did not sanction this gratuitous image

From being hailed as the best thing since sliced bread (#1 or #2) Orton slowly devolved into the dull… monotonous … plodding purveyor of “another headlock Randy?” I still hold out hope for Orton, his RKO can still be a thing of beauty and there are occasional flashes of exciting brilliance whenever he’s in the ring with an opponent that can get the best out of him…

Boss Lady Rae: That jumper looks well cosy.

Bless him. Mark Henry tries, he really does. Much like Kane he takes whatever nonsense they give him and just goes along with it, smiling… scowling… sweating…

Meanwhile the World Heavyweight Championship gets tied up between the two, giving us a match I’m struggling to look forward to. The fact that Orton & Henry basically rehashed Monday’s HHH/Punk promo on Smackdown this week hasn’t helped inject any novelty or excitement for me either. I suspect Orton will keep the title, but only because The World’s Soggiest Man as World Heavyweight Champion is pretty unthinkable.

Boss Lady Rae: I do not share my colleague’s indifference to Mark Henry. I kind of like the idea of a champion that just goes out and smashes everyone up while grunting and sweating. We don’t see that very often. And any man who can pull off such an incredible expanse of khaki knitwear is OK with me. I’m going to say Henry will win, but only have the title for a short time before losing it again. This title needs some new blood to carry it through to Wrestlemania. And besides, if the whole purpose of giving it to Orton was to make him the face of Smackdown after the draft, the half-hearted  SuperShow/Brand Mixing baloney has made that move redundant.

Sidekick Andrew: This match however could be great. I’m swiftly becoming an unabashed Cena fan, whether in ring or out, and as such I no longer approach his PPV title matches with the same sense of crushing inevitability as a moderately successful Z-List Celebrity in the vicinity of Katie Price

Del Rio consistently puts on good matches and as such I’ve high hopes for them blowing Orton/Henry out of the water. As for a winner, I’d prefer Del Rio to walk out champion, if only because I really can’t be arsed listening to the internet go on and on and on about Cena being Superman and getting another win.

Boss Lady Rae: I honestly don’t think John Cena is going to see the title again this side of Wrestlemania. They’ve invested so much into Cena vs The Rock that a title would only cloud the rivalry and deprive someone else of having a ‘moment’. Their fight can’t have any external distractions. We’re not quite on the ‘road to Wrestlemania’ yet, but we’re on one of the back streets leading up to it. I can just about hear the thumping bass line of a terrible pop tune I will grow to love dearly come April. For that reason, I’m going to say that Del Rio’s going to retain. That boy’s only just getting started.

Sidekick Andrew: Speaking of making the internet explode with impotent rage, this certainly has the opportunity to do just that. The idea of HHH winning in his first match since Wrestlemania, burying Punk in the process? Well … that would be a Twitter goldmine frankly.

That being said, I don’t think HHH is that stupid. Admittedly he’s been a glory seeking belt hog in the past, jobbing to no man, but it’s hard to refute he has a good head for the business. The way he’s gone along with this Punk storyline, breaking kayfabe left, right and centre leads me to think he’ll genuinely do what’s right for the company – in this case not burying the most “over” wrestler on the roster.


He is still HHH though, so I’m not sure how happy he’ll be with losing in his first match back. So I’m going to predict an enormous mess of a finish, with interference from at least Kevin Nash, and possibly HBK, leading to a No Contest. The internet will still go bonkers, but then I’m not watching live so while avoiding spoilers I’ll miss you all having a hissy fit 😛

Boss Lady Rae: At some point, when I have a little more time and can find the words to express it how I feel it, I’m going to write a big, word-count busting essay on this HHH/Punk/Cena storyline. For now, I shall just try to predict this match which, let’s be honest, will be nothing short of a giant cluster of nonsense. I actually think Punk will win, but there’s no way on earth this thing is ending cleanly. The sheer number of folk who could potentially interfere is mind-boggling. Personally, I’m hoping for another appearance from Mrs. McMahon-Levesque and Chris Jericho, because if he doesn’t come back soon and challenge that ‘Best in the World’ moniker, it will be a travesty.

And now, I’m going to watch the final segment on this week’s Raw again. All this ‘Phil’ and ‘Paul’ and ‘IN YOUR FACE SHOUTING’ and Punk not taking a single bite of the bait makes me feel funny. In a good way.

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