Tough Enough: Rollerskates make me nostalgic so please excuse all the references

Everyone likes to think they know the score when it comes to professional wrestling. Hell, we attempt to predict the results of every WWE PPV here on the site, usually with mixed success. We all know what’s going to happen: who will win, who’ll get pushed and who is in the proverbial doghouse. The same is often said about Reality TV: it’s easy to think that the whole thing is stage-managed (especially in a show with no public vote system) and that the people who will provide the most publicity or the most controversy will always stay in to the end. This is despite both genres constantly pushing the idea that “anything can happen!”, “nobody is safe!” and “expect the unexpected!

After arguably the best wrestler (Matt) was eliminated and the funniest/most quotable contestant (Ariane) went in the first week, I thought we were getting a handle on the way Tough Enough was going to work. I figured that Miss USA would bring so much publicity (and let’s be honest, a touch of “eye-candy”) to the show that she would be in to the end, and pretty much guaranteed a contract by the end of it. So, how do I feel now?

This weeks episode opened with the usual recap, followed by Rima making her way back to the house after last weeks elimination, much to the surprise of Christina. Although she wasn’t as surprised as I was by the fact that Christina can actually talk! It’s only taken her 4 episodes but now she’s got a speaking role!

"ooh... rock me Dr Zaius!"

Strangely, while Rima was telling the other contestants what was happening in the elimination, nobody seemed to have mentioned the fact that Donny Osmond Martin seemed to have won a new foot on the Hook-a-Duck stall at the local fair. If my goldfish owning childhood taught me anything, that new foot will have died before the week is out…

Then Ryan returned, much to everyone’s shock, and did the whole “look at me! I’m stealing somebody’s bed!” schtick that Mickael had done previously. This sadly interrupted Ivelisse, who appears to transforming into a blonde version of Geena Davis in Beetlejuice – maybe she should have something more nutritious than uber-generic brand COLA drunk with a spoon.

It's like a modern day Portrait of Dorian Gray

Now, remember last week Rima asked Bill DeMott for some one on one training? Well, that old saying about being careful what you wish for came to mind when she was confronted by a 12 inch pianist (sorry, wrong joke.) She was summoned to the training ring for a hard midnight session (this time you can add your own joke.) After the initial faux-pas of calling the training session a date, Rima was keen to impress Bill in any way she could, from wearing one of the multitude of Tough Enough t-shirts everyone seems to have been issued, to, well… see for yourself

Bill’s made of sterner stuff, and he didn’t let Rima’s shameless self-promotion put him off his stride. Instead he started with what appeared to be a relatively simple exercise. A training dummy was laid in the middle of the ring and Rima had to roll over it without touching it. As far as I could see (with my self-confessed lack of any training ever) it was a pretty easy thing to achieve: roll onto your shoulder on the far side of the bag and the rest of your body will follow. Now I know it’s easy to make fun of beauty queens as not being the most intelligent people in the world, but you don’t get to be 2nd runner-up in Miss Lebanon Emigrant 2008 without having something about you…

You might think this is funny, but Bill didn’t find it Hugh Morrus. (Look, I’d apologise for that joke but you should think yourself lucky I didn’t go with the Hugh G Rection joke with that earlier image of Rima grabbing her boobs.) After more training with Bill they sat down for a heart to heart where Bill basically explained to Rima that wanting to be a WWE Superstar isn’t enough. After all, if we could all do what we wanted, I’d be Spider-Man. Now, time for a brief Naturewatch interlude…

Thanks Ollie... back to the show

Time for this weeks guest. Who could it be? Someone with the personality of John Cena? Someone with the amazing stature of Big Show! With the vast range of amazing personalities that have graced a WWE ring, both past and present, it has to be someone who can really fire up the contestants.

Or maybe just an old version of that bloke that bought Mr Burns mansion

We all know Bret Hart is a legend, and he had an amazing amount of skill as a wrestler. But for some reason he’s never held any interest for me – sorry, but he’s just someone who passed me by. Still, the contestants all sat rapt, gazing on at him as he said something or other about wrestling so I suppose that’s the main thing. After Bret left, they started the daily training exercise which involved jumping over the top rope a few times. Now was the perfect time for the extra training Rima had recieved to start paying dividends. This was her time.. her opportunity… her one big moment… her…

ah, OK then...

Well, to be fair, that whole “jumping over the rope” thing probably wasn’t something that Bill went over with her the night before. After all, that would have been giving her an unfair warning of the task ahead. Still, there was still the wrestling drills to come – this must be where the payoff comes…

eek

Maybe the life lesson will be more her thing. The contestants were given “negative ten minutes” to meet Trish who was waiting at Frisco’s Bar & Grill with a mysterious woman. Frisco’s has waiting staff on rollerskates so the contestants were being asked to serve food (and dance) while wearing skates, all the while being watched carefully by Trish and the WOMAN OF MYSTERY! Seriously, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who she was or what her role was.

Only kidding. Of course I looked at her boobs and read that she was one of The Producers. I think holding off on a rousing chorus of Springtime For Hitler was probably for the best though. After dressing up in very fetching pink and black outfits (so that’s why Bret Hart was on this week!) the contestants had a crash course in rollerskating before they had to start their shift. A crash course that of course looked like this…

Regardless, the contestants all did pretty well at serving the food. There were no major incidents, and even the group dance at the end went relatively well. The only major issue was Eric falling and nearly killing a woman and her baby, but this was explained away by Jeremiah. At least I think he was explaining it, I could never understand Boomhauer in King of the Hill either.

In fact they did so well that they were handed a free bar and, in the immortal words of The Clash “enough rope” to hang themselves. With a skills challenge the morning after, maybe a level of restraint would have been advisable (although not advice I’ve ever been known to take myself of course.) Not for these guys though, on this night of booze + contestants = dancing! Not quite the Chris Jericho jive that Boss Lady Ray had been waiting for, but each contestant had their own niche moves to impress.

OK. Here’s the bit where we would normally have the patented Wrestlegasm “Wall O’ Elimination Screenshots”, but this week was slightly different. During the meeting to determine the final three, this happened:

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