We hope you enjoyed our pre-King of Trios interviews immensely, but we recognise that not all our readers are familiar with the likes of Green Ant and Co. Don’t panic. Let me appease your unfamiliarity with the glorious spectacle that is Chris Jericho on Dancing with the Stars. Oh and before I cover you in sequins and feathers, you’ll be thrilled to know that Chris made a video from his training room this week in which, as well as appealing for DWTS votes, he announced that he’ll be returning to the WWE once the series is over. Sit tight, kids. He’s on his way.
After all the unnecessary added emotion of last week’s show, the fourth week of Dancing with the Stars promised a respite from having to dance to songs which remind contestants of their departed mothers and the like. This was Classical Week. A live orchestra, brighter lights, louder crowds. I initially thought this was the DWTS equivalent of Blackpool Week, where the remaining couples travel up North to the spiritual home of ballroom dancing, eat chips from polystyrene trays and coo over the honour of dancing at The Tower. Not so. Classical Week is exactly what it says on the tin. There’s an orchestra to provide live renditions of masterpieces by Tchaikovsky, Bizet etc, and well-known classical stars to belt out operatic favourites. I love this idea. One of my main gripes about both Strictly and DWTS is the incessant use of inappropriate music. I despise seeing people quickstepping to Katy Perry.
Romeo danced first, with a paso doble. As I mentioned last week, this is the bullfighting dance. Generally, the choreography is built around the male dancer being the matador and the female dancer being his cape. Sometimes she can be the bull instead. It requires feist and aggression. Romeo did quite well. He managed to summon up plenty of anger, although his bizarre basketball dribbling step was far too silly. Stop with the gimmicks, American Strictly!
Kendra Wilkinson did a Viennese waltz. This is much like a standard waltz but the steps are carried out while spinning and rotating around the dancefloor. It regularly causes motion sickness. It seems strange they’re bringing it in so early in the competition and before they’ve done a regular waltz. Anyway, Kendra continued her trend for annoying me. First she gags while listening to Time to Say Goodbye, which happens to be one of my most favourite songs of all time. Not a good start. Then she proclaims that she thought all the ballroom dances were over. No, darling. Then, on hearing that Time to Say Goodbye is sung in Italian, she immediately decides she’s going to make the Viennese waltz the “Mafia waltz, baby” – complete with gangster outfits. I give the eff up. Bruno has a conniption because she ‘kills the dance’, Len sympathises with her novice status and Carrie Anne suggests she’s afraid of elegance.
Sugar Ray Leonard made a sloppy job of his Viennese waltz and ended up being sent home. Petra Nemcova, despite being one of the loveliest girls there ever was, danced a surprisingly spirited paso. The Karate Kid turned his standard waltz into a depiction of Romeo and Juliet. He did a stunning job. I still don’t believe he’s 49, by the way. He looks younger than I do and I’m, ooh, decades younger than 49! Nothing I’d seen so far, however, was better than Hines Ward’s paso doble. In fact, I believe I said “Blimey, that was a bit good!” out loud. There was nobody else in the room at the time. See? They should absolutely hire me as the fourth judge.
From something that pleased me greatly to something that divided me. The chick from the Disney Channel pushed my buttons again. Shocker! They danced to the music from Harry Potter and their outfits were suitably spooky. Fine, no problem with that. But while the way she danced was outstanding, the choreography was odd and definitely not very…..Viennese. At one point Mark looked like he was about to dry-hump the dancefloor. Len took umbrage with this and started shouting about how they should have respected the 300 year-old dance. Stop inflating your ego, Mark, and teach this girl the dances the way they’re supposed to be. It’s not about you.
If you’ve read the first part of this post, thank you. I appreciate this is a wrestling blog and the only person you care about in these dancey posts is Chris Jericho. Like I said in the very first one, it’s rare that any of my other interests combine with wrestling. It’s usually a very solitary entity. For humouring me so diligently I’ll curtsey at you in a big puffy dress. You know I write these posts while in full ballroom clothing and make-up, don’t you? It makes my critique feel more authentic. Alright, I’ve bored you long enough. Shall we proceed to Chris Jericho’s very swoonworthy paso doble? I had high hopes for Chris this week. If there’s one thing he knows it’s how to get angry, aggressive and ferocious. He is, after all, the man with a lion’s heart. RAWR!
In training, Chris isn’t being feisty enough. Cheryl regularly has to ask him to be angrier. Come on, Chris. You need to stop being the fun-loving ayatollah of rock & rolla and start channelling the arrogant, disdainful bastard you were after your heel turn.
Dressed in bronze and with a newly grown beard and moustache for full Spanish effect, our boy was ready. Let’s paso doble……..
Just to make sure we knew he was only playing at being mean, Chris proceeded to grab at one of the plastic vines on set and pretended to swing across the dancefloor.
Carrie Anne and Bruno loved it. They said his connection to music was superb. Well he is a rock star, doncha-know. By the way, the music was In the Hall of the Mountain King by Edvard Grieg, if you’d like listen again and pretend you’re doing the dance with him. Only sad people would do that though. *COUGH*SHIFTY EYES*. He did an amazing job. There were a few moments where Chris’s movements didn’t seem quite sharp and snappy enough, and Len thought he’d lost a bit of the paso attitude towards the end. Otherwise, rawr.
Kirstie Alley finished the show with a waltz, during which she lost her shoe and put it back on while sat on the floor. She had also picked up a hip injury during the week, which scuppered part of her training time. This woman is the queen of haphazard dancing. Next week Chris leaves the Latin alone and goes back to Ballroom with his Viennese waltz. Assuming it’s a traditional one, I can tell you in advance that I’ll definitely be upgrading the Chris Jericho crush-face. I’m getting an attack of the vapours just thinking about it.