We spent a lot of time pondering how to predict this year’s Wrestlemania. There were many factors to consider. First of all, Wrestlemania is rather unpredictable in its nature. They like to mix things up and throw a few curve balls. Secondly, for the last two years I’ve predicted via the Cupcake Method. This failed dramatically. You just cannot trust baked goods to predict wrestling. On top of all this, let’s face it, we’re both pretty terrible at predicting. Andrew may be beating me 4-1 this year, but each time he’s only beaten me by a small margin. We were curious to know how people who have no or very little wrestling knowledge would predict Wrestlemania. Just as the Sidekick did last year, we enlisted outside help. We presented the matches to family and friends, asking them to pick a winner and tell us why. There were some interesting and hilarious answers. Here I present my Wrestlemania winners, as predicted by Team Ray.
It’s funny what people take from first impressions, isn’t it? Kane & Co took this one by a landslide. In fact, only one person though The Corre would win and that was because they looked less mean than their opponents. Bless. The general consensus was that the faces appeared to be tougher, making them the obvious choices. According to my dad “They will win because they’re the biggest MFs that walk this earth.” Santino’s Cobra-Hand was also popular. My mother chose them because there were less beards in Team Kane. I should point out that my mum had been swigging Bacardi and Diet Coke for an hour or so before writing her predictions. I had to ask her to explain her handwriting on three separate occasions.
Another landslide victory here and it was in favour of Jerry Lawler. (Thank God!) I’d fall out of my armchair if Cole took this one. Reasons for selecting Lawler included the fact that he looked the most stupid, the most cheesy and gay. Does being gay (which we know he definitely isn’t) give one an advantage over Michael Cole? My brother suggested that Lawler would win because “Cole is carrying some extra timber”. More than Lawler? Really? Jerry does still wrestle frequently down in Memphis, so I suppose I’ll give him that one. Someone also chose Jerry because he’s wearing a watch. It is time to beat Cole into a pulp, Jerry. Make it happen. Please.
Aaaaand landslide again. This time the masses chose Edge. Boo! Actually, I don’t mind who wins this one. Either way I’ll be happy but I so desperately wanted to see Alberto get his title. Sadly, the only person who selected him was from Spain. I mentioned afterwards that Del Rio is Mexican, not Spanish. I then refused to let him change his selection as I wanted Del Rio to have at least one vote. Reasons for Edge’s popularity suggested that Del Rio’s lack of clothing and props made him seem less ready for a fight. It was also suggested that Edge has the edge because his name is Edge. Nice. My favourite reason for falling in favour of our current HeavyWeight Champ is that he appears to be carrying a shield. It’s not a shield, Iris, it’s his title belt. But I concur that in that picture it does look very shieldy. I quite like the idea of Edge strutting around in a centurion outfit.
Ah-ha! The first one where there seems to be some debate. Overall people seemed to be selecting Cody because they found him to be a bit of a babe (these people included my mother!) or they selected him because they felt uneasy about the fact that Rey’s face is covered. It was a collective “Does he have something to hide?” vibe? My brother selected Rey Mysterio because the last time he saw Cody he was in Legacy and playing third fiddle to Randy and Ted. He hasn’t been privy to Cody’s rebirth as the Dashing Cody Rhodes. On explaining this development this morning he seemed pleased that he’d ditched his previous gimmick of walking out from behind the curtain backwards.
Again there was some debate here and there was great distress over the lack of pupils in Undertaker’s eyes. Fair comment. A lack of eyeballs is quite upsetting. I fear this is what may have pushed people to vote in favour of Trips, which means my people think The Streak will be broken. Ooh! Controversial! Actually, I think I would probably agree. If anyone’s going to break it, it’ll be someone like HHH. But then, I said that the last two years running with HBK, so what do I know? One of my favourite things about this exercise is that you unearth people who usually try to hide a fondness for wrestling. This was one of my favourite declarations of secret love for the Undertaker.
We’ll quickly skip past the one where my mum chose Taker because he looks like Jerry Seinfeld. She doesn’t even like Seinfeld. Let this be a lesson in knowing when to stop drinking white rum, children.
This was another close one, but it eventually tipped Sheamus’s way. Reasons given were his rebellion against the mandate stating that all wrestlers must be spray-tanned up to the eyeballs, the ginger hair and his inherent Irishness. Although I think my brother is confusing his Celts and thinking of Drew McIntyre:
My Bacardi loaded mother plumped for Daniel Bryan because he looks like a young Ryan O’Neal. It seems there were actually some moments of surprising clarity during this swish:
These predictions weren’t quite as divided. The majority seemed to choose Orton. Boo! BOO! and BOO! The logic behind this choice included the fact that Orton has less tattoos (clearly someone who’s never seen his back) and the fact that he seems like he would be faster. FALSE! And by the way, Punk is NOT a crappy, dated name for an athlete. I also enjoyed your (?) against the word ‘athlete’. Grrrr. As is clear, I’m very unhappy with my people for this selection and I’d be quite happy to lose this match. I’d like to thank Kate for noting the tiny pants and equally sized stars on both their crotches. You see? It’s not just my infatuation. Even someone who never watches wrestling felt the need to comment on Punk’s ‘area’. (Don’t ask. I’m still not bringing that feature back. Nope. Never.)
Getting back to the predictions, my brother decided that neither CM Punk nor Orton would win. I initially thought he was suggesting there would be some kind of shenanigans where both were DQ’d. Not so. On further investigation I found he was implying that they’re actually the same person, so neither can win. Personally, I think Punk is perfect without the added Randyness, but we’ve put them together anyway to test the theory:
Cena’s the big favourite here and largely because the majority thought he was in better shape. They’ve gone for bulk and height over speed. The wearing of jeans was also a deciding factor. I think he should ditch the jeans myself, but apparently they’re a hit with the masses. This prediction should set the cat amongst the pigeons with the kiddie-winks:
Aaaaaand finally with almost all the votes, John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki are predicted to take this match. They’re probably right. It’s rare we see the celeb losing at ‘Mania. Reasons for selecting Team Morrison seemed to vary depending on gender. The ladies were rather smitten with Morrison’s Mills & Boon good looks and the gentlemen were more interested in the potential puppy action. Yes. The word ‘puppies’ was used. I have to say, Morrison does look very handsome in that picture. If only he could string a promo together.
I’ll end on my absolute favourite comment of this experiment, which stated that “Ziggler and his girls will win because he has the face of a brute donkey.” I’m told it’s a Spanish phrase, but it made me LOL on a rubbish day in the office. The Sidekick was very put out on hearing this description of his man-crush. I’m sure Vickie would feel the same.