The Dancing with the Stars results show is back. This means I can’t wait until Sunday to appraise you of Chris Jericho’s dancing performance. Come Sunday we’ll all be concerned with a ‘Big Dance’ of a completely different kind. Let’s jump straight in.
During the first week nobody was eliminated. This gave everyone a chance to show the other side of their dancing prowess. Whoever did Latin last week, did Ballroom this week and vice versa. Chris Jericho did a Cha-Cha-Cha last time, which meant he had to switch to a Ballroom dance this week. He was given the Quickstep. We’ll return to Chris a little later. First let’s give his dance some context.
Sugar Ray Leonard did a rubbish jive. Sure, he was enthusiastic but he was also off the beat and his moves were unfinished. I don’t know why boxers are all such bad dancers. Their job actually involves lacing together combinations of sharp movements. It’s a mystery, I tells ya! On to Kendra Wilkinson, the former Playboy chick. She’s got the Quickstep and is finding being graceful a challenge. Being ladylike is apparently very stressful. She ends up slumped in the corner sobbing about how she isn’t beautiful. Wah-wah-wah. Poor you. Maybe if you hadn’t spent five years living in the Playboy Mansion everyone wouldn’t ‘think you’re this Playboy sexy girl.’ Stop trying to manufacture your own Pygmalion story and just dance! Her Quickstep was decent considering it’s week two, and Len referred to her baps as chesticles. Game on!
Chelsea the Disney girl was infuriating. She and her partner came out dressed like circus freaks (a nod to the butchered Panic! at the Disco track they danced to) and danced something more akin to a GaGa video than a jive. You can’t just stick a few jive moves in and call it a jive. It has to embody the essence of the jive. THERE WAS NO ESSENCE. I blame the pro-dancer for getting ideas above his station so early on. Let’s move on to Mr. Jericho and his Quickstep. EEP! Once again the Sidekick watched it before me and once again he suggested I might need to steady myself before watching for fear of fainting. He was right.
So the thing you need to know about the Quickstep is that it’s elegant, fast and you have to be extremely light on your feet. You pretty much have to dance as if you’ve got springs in your shoes like Tigger’s tail. This means if you’re muscular, chunky, bosomy or you’ve just got a fat arse, you’re going to find this dance tricky. Chris Jericho should find this dance tricky. He, however, seems to have a fantastic teacher. A good teacher will pace the dance so the celeb doesn’t look like they’re flagging. This is also a very smiley dance. You need to grin like it’s your wedding day even if your shoulders are about to crumble from holding the posture too long. I have no fears for our guy in that department.
First of all, the outfit was hot. Didn’t I tell you last week his Ballroom outfits would be sexier than the Latin? Vintage elegance rocks my world.
What about the perma-smile? Let’s see how he’s doing there…….
And the dance? Oh my. The dance. He was wonderful. I’ve watched it more times than I care to admit even to myself and each time I grin like a child on Christmas morning. When I decided to start recapping Chris’s dances, I promised myself that I’d be honest. If he was terrible, I’d say so. I wouldn’t let the fact that I love him dearly and that he’s one of my wrestling heroes colour my critique. I can honestly say, hand-on-heart, that he made a brilliant job of the Quickstep. Considering this was his first Ballroom dance there’s a good chance Jericho will go a long way in the competition. Great news, wrestling fans!
The audience were in raptures. Mrs. Jericho and Jericho Jr. were ecstatic and Maryse, who appeared to be the only wrestling groupie sent by them on high in Connecticut this week, was especially impressed (even if she did look a little….plonked.) Go Team Canada! I’ll come back to “the little guy in the dapper suit” at the end for a very good reason.
I’ll quickly fill you in on the rest, although I won’t hold it against you if want to bail now that I’ve covered Jericho’s dance. Petra Nemcova did a surprisingly decent jive. Surprising because the jive isn’t the easiest dance for tall people. It’s tight, compact, fast and with snappy foot flicks. If you’ve got long legs it takes a lot of control to stop yourself looking like Bambi on ice. Incidentally, being short and chunky, Jericho’s jive is going to be AMAZING. America, make sure you keep voting long enough for me to see his jive. I’ll never forgive you if I don’t.
Once again, Kirstie Alley spent the entire VT (which stands for Video Tape) talking about how much weight she’s trying to lose. For some reason the audience are just as obsessed with Kirstie Alley as Kirstie Alley is. I don’t get it. Considering her frame she did a pretty good Quickstep, although not nearly as good as the studio audience would have you believe.
Psycho Mike stomped through the jive with the co-ordination of boozed-up freshers high-fiving each other. He ended up being sent home this week. Apparently he’s not as popular in America as his charisma suggested. I worried for Romeo when he asked if the Quickstep was a sexy dance. No, no and no. Also, this look doesn’t say Quickstep, does it?
He was better than expected, but I question making them Quickstep to any song from Grease. Grease = jive. Wendy Williams struggled with boob-ache during her training. Get this woman some bespoke corsetry, DWTS! She had a good go but it was more Slowstep than Quickstep. The Karate Kid’s jive was so full of energy I wanted to jump up and join him. Len was right. He pushed too hard and it was far too hectic, but he’s a very good dancer. I’d be shocked if he wasn’t there at the end. Hines Ward, who I think might be one of the sleeper contestants, did a lovely Quickstep. Very impressive indeed.
So that was this week. More Chris Jericho Dance-Watch next week (with everything else chucked in for good measure). I mentioned earlier that we’d come back to Jericho Jr. I suggest you read Chris’s blog post on his dance this week. If you don’t involuntarily go awwww and it doesn’t make you love him a little bit more, we’ll never be friends. After this week’s dance, the Chris Jericho Crush-Face has been upgraded to this: