Dancing With Jericho: Part One

Much as I would love to scrutinise every tiny detail of Dancing with the Stars in comedic fashion (seriously, you have no idea) I must remember that this is a wrestling blog and you’re probably only interested in Chris Jericho’s performance. Even then I might be pushing it. Trust me, if I could get away with blogging DWTS in detail here every week, I definitely would. It’s not often my two worlds come together, so please humour me if I go off on a dancing tangent from time-to-time.

We can’t look at Jericho’s dance alone. In the interest of giving it a context, let’s quickly run through the rest of the celeb contestants. Surprisingly, I was able to identify more of them than I expected. I was a little harsh on Dancing with the Stars last week, but having at least one contestant where I genuinely care about how well they do makes all the difference. It’s never going to be as good as Strictly Come Dancing, but if it does nothing else but tide me over until the premium British version starts in September, fairly-do’s. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that Chris Jericho was made for this outlet of flamboyant pageantry.

I can’t tell if he’s had his teeth bleached or if the DWTS spray tan is so strong it’s making his teeth glow.

Chelsea something-something, who is a Disney Channel chick I only vaguely know, does a passable foxtrot. She appears to be in love with her pro-dancer already. I don’t know these dancers so I have no idea whether Ballas prefers girls to boys, but they cut a cute figure nonetheless. They’re followed by Wendy Williams. Apparently she’s a talk show host with breasts to infinity. In my experience of this show she’s the token accomplished older woman representing for all the ladies of a certain age. She isn’t very good. I know that Hines Ward is an American football player from when I used to be quite adept at selecting WRs in fantasy NFL football. For a meat-head more used to being squashed into Astroturf he makes a remarkably fine job of the Cha-Cha-Cha.

Then we moved on to supermodel Petra Nemcova. She is the kind of girl who is usually automatically hated for her immense beauty, until she mentions she’s a victim of the Thai tsunami. Damn you, heartstrings! She does a rather fine foxtrot. Romeo is the kid who thinks he’s too cool for school, which is annoying. They also make him dance to a song named after him, which inflates his ego further and makes him doubly annoying. I may learn to like him. Sugar Ray Leonard is so frustrated at how bad he is that he starts sobbing during training. Typical perfectionist boxer. I should warn him that boxers don’t do well in this competition. Remember Joe Calzaghe, Britain? Whew, that was a tough few weeks gripping tightly to my Welsh flag. Sugar Ray was very clunky across the dancefloor but was saved by the fact that he danced to my Huey Lewis karaoke song. I was watching Sugar Ray, thinking of MJF. Diversion tactics.

Kendra something-or-other is a former Playmate determined to show you that she’s left the Mansion behind to become a classy broad. This might have been more successful if she hadn’t laced every phrase she uttered with innuendo, hadn’t pulled a stripper-face while she was dancing and, errrr, hadn’t given Heff her comp tickets!

All kinds of wrong.

I can’t speak about the Karate Kid. He revealed during training that he’s 49. That makes him biologically old enough to be my dad. This is more confusing to my tiny mind than a Brian Cox lecture on the concept of gravity.

Alrighty, now the reason you’re here. Chris Jericho is dancing! Wheeee! And we’re into the campness of it all immediately:

Look at me! I'm a wrestler. She is a dancer. We are wrestling each other. Then we will dance together.

I’m assuming his partner, Cheryl Burke, is one of the more popular dancers judging by everyone’s reaction to her. Watching his training video made it almost impossible to hear what either of them were saying. The female wrestling groupies in the audience whooped and hollered in such a squally, ear-piercing manner I sighed and muttered SHUT-UP through gritted teeth for the entire VT.

Cor, you can't take wrestling chicks anywhere.

During training Cheryl is concerned that Chris’s muscular frame :CROWD-SCREEEEEEAAAAAAM: is going to work against his fluidity as a dancer. She is particularly worried that he doesn’t seem to have a neck and teaches him how to keep his shoulders down. Ah the pitfalls of all those hours in the gym trying to beat HHH at trapezius development. To the Cha-Cha-Cha……

A face full of nerves. Bless.

Chris is dancing to Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s the dancing that’s important and not the house-singer’s atrocious attempt at an English accent. Joe Strummer must have been spinning in his grave. If Jericho manages to stay in the competition a while, we may be seeing him dance to a plethora of botched rock classics.  The same sentiment will be applied to every outfit he wears for each Latin dance he takes on. He’s a wrestler and a part-time rock star; this means black pleather shirts with detachable sleeves to tantalise the female contingent in the crowd, accessorised with cheap, studded jewellery.

Meh. We’ve seen plenty of Chris’s stellar arms over the years. Personally, I feel I’ll be swooning more when he turns up in his ballroom tux next week. The dance itself was pretty good for a first attempt and Chris was probably the only contestant who could jump through streaming fireworks and legitimately be able to say “Yeah, I do this for my day-job.”

Break the walls down etc.

In my role as a professional Strictly DWTS viewer, I agreed with the judges. They let Cheryl do a lot of the work and Chris’s bulk hampered his movement in places, but with a little more flexibility he’ll be a great dancer. In my role as a Chris Jericho fan and speaker for the wrestling people I say HE WAS AMAAAAAAAZZZZZIIIIIIINNNNG! I was so proud. It’s like watching one of your own family doing well. I’m very excited for his ballroom dance next week. Not just for the ballroom outfit, but to see Chris do his romance face.  Sidekick Andrew’s suggestion that I practice my Chris Jericho crush-face was excellent advice. It came into play the second he addressed Len Goodman as ‘sir’. Anyone who treats Len with the respect he deserves is a winner in my book.

Chris was followed by some radio personality called Psycho Mike who I’ve never heard of and who turns out to be a shocking dancer. Luckily for him he’s handsome and has charisma by the lorry-load so he’ll be fine. Those kind of people always hang on far longer than they technically should. He was followed by Kirstie Allie. Ah Kirstie Allie. Where dignity goes to die. She spent the entire training VT boo-hooing about how she’s either too fat or too old to compete. Stop grumbling about your fluctuating weight when you’ve made so much money from it, woman! She went on to be fantastic. No, really. She was brilliant. You sly old fox, Allie.

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2 thoughts on “Dancing With Jericho: Part One

  1. I’m so glad you’ve decided to recap this! I’ve never watched DwtS before and I know next to nothing about dance, but I would do pretty much anything to support Jericho. Poor guy looked very nervous, but I’m sure he’ll get into the swing of things!

  2. “HHH at trapezium development” – TrapeziuS development.

    I’m so happy you’re recapping this! DWTS is god-awful in Oz, but I love that Jericho’s doing it. This is going to be so special.

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