raw(lite): a sunkissed shade of golden

It’s an express recap this week. Enjoy!

The ever dwindling Nexus recapped all their successful activities from the previous week, then Randy Orton turned up to ask why they’d omitted to show the bits where he humiliated them with his badass antics. Wade pulled some of that Saturday night in the pub “come’n ‘ave a go if you fink you’re ‘ard enough” stuff, but it was called to a halt by the digital wet-blanket that is the anonymous GM. Matches were made as follows:

Remember last week when I said only Barrett and Gabriel would survive post Nexus? Ta-daaaa!

John Morrison gave his sunglasses to a grown woman instead of a child, which is against the rules of life. Also against the rules of life, making Chris Jericho so sad when you beat him in a match that he does his ‘maybe it’s time to retire’ face.

Alicia Fox failed at taking the Divas title from Melina and also failed at delivering a simple speak-while-walking-to-the-ring bit. Clearly my plea for her to get some extra mic training has fallen on deaf ears. Apparently Alicia wants to be the “undefined” female champion. The joke writes itself:

Matt Striker kept an eye on proceedings from backstage, even though he didn’t actually appear on screen. How do I know this?

Ted DiBiase made a romantic phonecall to his piles of money to tell it how much he loves it and how much he adores spending time with it.

"Mmm. Yeah, baby. When I get home tonight, make sure you're wearing the green. I love it on you."

Money doesn’t love you back, Teddy. Look at what it did to Scrooge McDuck. Think on.

OK. I know he looks happy, but he's crying on the inside.

Justin Gabriel was humbled by John Cena.


I jest. Actually, it was a pretty tidy little match.

Miz surmised his career and celebrated his first WWE magazine cover. Then Daniel Bryan came out, I swooned over his super-cool anti-superstar demeanour and he insisted that he could beat Miz in a match for the United States Championship. Meanwhile, I pondered whether I should describe his hair as a sunkissed shade of golden or a golden shade of sunkissed. Before I had chance to decide, Bryan had chased both Miz and Alex Riley away with two bitchin’ cross-faces. They’re having a title match at Night of Champions. YAY! Oh… I’m going with ‘sunkissed shade of golden’. Just so you know.

Edge wanted a match against Zack Ryder, but the GM gave him one against the Great Khali instead. So Edge threatened to eliminate the GM’s existence by punching the living daylights out of the laptop.

Pssst! Edge! The GM inside the laptop. It's just a bundle of wires and plastic, sweetheart.

Edge won the match by DQ, then it was restarted as a no DQ over-the-top-rope challenge thingy. Twas pointless.

Chris Jericho was stripped of his opportunity to appear in the Night of Champs 6-Pack challenge. Both Josh Matthews and John Morrison tried to get a reaction from him, but Jericho was struck by silence.

These are the facial expressions myself and Andrew displayed throughout this week's NXT.

Cena, Sheamus and Edge joined Cole & Lawler on commentary while Wade Barrett and Randy Orton scrapped it out. The now Nexus-less (?) Darren Young came out at a crucial moment to distract Barrett long enough for Orton to RKO his brains out. Randy then went on to RKO Young, Edge and Sheamus for good measure, allowing just one man a reprieve.

Uh-oh. Me thinks a certain Superman is upset with a certain snake for daring to garner louder crowd cheers than him. No more sharing iPhone apps for these two.

This is the first Raw I’ve honestly enjoyed in ages. The balance between actual wrestling, promo and silliness was about as perfect as Raw’s going to get. Thank you for restoring my faith just as it was about to slide out of sight.

SIDENOTE:  I know everyone’s sick of the sight of John Cena this week, what with that little film he’s got coming out. But when he can make a small child look like this, he can’t be all bad:

You have my permission to 'awww'. I won't tell anyone.