smackdown(lite): michelle mccool: queen of denmark

This was the first Smackdown after Summerslam, so Rey Mysterio had much to say regarding the whole Undertaker/Kane squabble. But he who was now proven innocent was interrupted by a man we had been promised for many a week.

That’s right. Alberto Del Rio. The guy who’s been telling us he’s better than us in some rather dubious promo videos finally showed up on Smackdown. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to brush him off as another sub-standard pretender to Rey Mysterio’s throne, but I discovered two things. 1) For a guy famed for doing all that flippy-dippy stuff, he’s surprisingly tall and chunky. 2) I kind of liked him.

After pulling off a marvellous game of verbal tennis with Rey Mysterio, which was littered with Spanish lines and English translations, they agreed to put their physical skills to the test and fight it out at the end of the show.

Before moving on to the Intercontinental Championship title match, Cody Rhodes insisted that he inform the male viewers on how to apply moisturiser. Except he did a rather bad job of it.

Dude, this is NOT enough moisturiser. Don’t listen to him, men. You might as well not put it on at all. Take enough moisturiser to loosen any tightness in the skin and dot it on your forehead, cheeks, chin and neck. Rub it in until it’s completely absorbed, in upwards movements, starting from the neck. If you have particularly sensitive skin, guys, you might want to use an aftershave balm on the neck and chin. And if you want to go the whole hog you could use eye products too; possibly a cooling gel in the morning to reduce puffiness and a richer, wrinkle-fighting cream at night. Don’t worry about the cucumber-watermelon scent, as Cody recommends. If you want to keep wrinkles at bay, you’ll need a daytime moisturiser with an SPF in it. To maximise the power of your moisturiser, you could also use a serum, which will protect the skin further. But this all means nothing without exfoliation. So if you want really fresh looking skin, be sure to scrub, scrub, scrub on a regular basis. Can I have Cody’s pay-cheque now please?

Back to wrestling. If you remember, Kofi and Dolph’s Summerslam match was ended early by the Nexus. So here they were trying all over again. During the beginning of the match, Matt Striker became vocally impassioned about Team WWE winning at Summerslam. And to all the smarks who criticised his passion, he suggested that they drag their sweat-pants selves from behind their computer screens and shut up. Even though it didn’t apply to me, I immediately put some jeans on and closed my laptop. You know, just for safety’s sake.

The match was solid but, once again, lacked that final push. Vickie Guerrero tripped Kofi while he was jumping from the top rope, the referee saw it in the corner of his eye and awarded Kofi the win by DQ. This, of course, meant that the title stayed with Dolph. Kofi chased after the cheater but Vickie squealed and stood in his way, knowing that a gentleman would never be so brutish as to barge her out of the way. This little diversion gave Dolph enough time to return to his feet and….. well…. let’s just say it didn’t end well for Kofi. In fact, he was stomped in the face so authentically, I let out a genuine gasp of worry.

Sorry, the stomp was so slick I couldn't even get a proper screencap of it.

After some backstage fun-times with LayCool and some locker-room motivationals with the SES, it was time for Luke Gallows and Serena to take on the Big Show and Kelly Kelly. So here’s the thing. Had I written this recap a few days ago I’d be cooing over the fact that Serena finally had a competitive match. I’d be telling how excited I was at the prospect of her getting involved in the Divas division. Sadly, it might be a rather short-lived run in the ring. All signs seem to point towards her being future endeavoured either tonight or tomorrow. There are a few rumours being batted around to explain why, but it seems to be that she was living an extremely wobbly edged life. I’ll refrain from commenting on that until the next Smackdown recap, which is likely to be her final appearance.

The match itself was fun and while Serena seemed a little rusty to me, she worked surprisingly well with an unlikely opponent in Kelly. Serena went on to win the match and remained in the affections of her leader-man.

Enjoy it while it lasts, sweetheart.

The next ten minutes were spent bathed in crimson lighting while Kane explained why he put his own brother in near a fatal coma. I’ve got to be honest, the combination of chamber music, soft red lighting and the dull monotone of Kane’s voice sent me off into a lovely slumber. So I really can’t tell you why he did it. Probably something about always being in the Undertaker’s shadow, or maybe he’d been reading Hamlet and assumed that if he took his dominant brother out of the picture, his sister-in-law would be obliged to marry him. Long shot. I know.

Michelle McCool: Queen of Denmark?

Anyway, I was rudely awoken from my snooze by the arrival of Cody Rhodes. Thankfully, he’d ditched his usual ‘almost-nude’ look and thrown on a suit, so not all bad. Although, hearing Striker tell him he’s a handsome man and that he looks and smells good was quite disturbing. Please don’t do that again, Matthew. You’re making life in the Bunker a little difficult.

While the love-in between Striker and Rhodes went on, Christian won a nice little match against Drew McIntyre. Cody felt like helping his mate out, so he assisted him in pummelling Christian after the bell had tolled. Then Matt Hardy ran out wearing one ski boot and helped Christian beat them up. This is all well and good, but it needs a storyline this week.

Nice to see the people of Bakersfield, California, were as excited about the final episode of British Celebrity Masterchef as I was. I wanted Lisa Faulkner to win too.

We were back where we started, with Alberto Del Rio vs Rey Mysterio. Not only did Del Rio arrive in a Rolls, but he also brought along his own ring announcer. How very BDK of him.

Errrr, yo. You in the tux. I've got a phonecall for you. Yeah, it's 1994. It wants its hairstyle back.

It was a compact and solid match with them working perfectly together. Something tells me there’s something of a torch passing going on here. It may not happen for a while, but I’m pretty sure it will happen. Del Rio won the match convincingly and went on to damage Mysterio further after the match was over.

Errrr, yo. You in the gold knickers. I've got a phonecall for you. Yeah, it's Randy Orton. It's about that pose you stole. You're doing it wrong.

I agree, Matt Striker, we were watching a STAAAAH!