raw(lite): brothers in armbands

With Summerslam 24 hours in the past, last week’s Raw had a whole load of questions to apply answers to. Summoning the resolve of many a magnificent British leader, Wade Barrett assembled his allies in the ring to impose upon everyone the notion that their team was more unified than ever. Of course, this kind of solemn reflection could not go on for long before John Cena pounced out in his purple shirt to drop a gaggle of pop culture references (technical term) on us all. Some of which made sense, some of which were confusing to even my knowledgable Transatlantic self.

Cena took it upon himself to throw jibes at each one of Nexus individually. Otunga’s a gigolo to his much more famous wife, Tarver is a bank robbing MMA fighter who strips in his spare time, Heath Slater looks like an illustrated child who happens to be the face of an American fast food chain, Darren Young is his brother from another ….errrrr…..daddy, Justin Gabriel – he’s gay (hehehe) and Skip Sheffield is dumb as a donkey. Right, that’s John Cena’s stand-up out of the way. Now on to some action. It was agreed that each one of the Nexus would have a match against a member of the roster. If any of them lost, they were out on their ear.

Serious times indeed.

Wade was up first against his former mentor-man Chris Jericho. A nice little match but there’s no way they’re getting rid of Wade, so he picked up the first win for the big N. This was followed by a hideous guest host bit, which lead us to the arrival of the Hart Dynasty and Bret Hart. Justin Gabriel appeared on the titantron and announced that Bret may have experienced many a move in his long career, but he’d never been at the business end of his……

Is this not the strangest looking bunch of boys you've ever seen?

The prodigal son, Daniel Bryan, was back in the fold and ready to take on Michael Tarver. Michael Cole flicked his dick switch on and continued to slag Bryan off throughout.  If you think you’re getting seven clean matches, you need your head read and this match certainly wasn’t sanitary. Still angry that his former tutee had taken his place in the Summerslam main event, the Miz marched out with his plastic briefcase in hand and his new rookie in toe to take Bryan out of the match. Tarver wins.

Justin Gabriel was all excited about taking an old man out with his furr fufty splush, but it seems the still anonymous GM wasn’t too keen. So who, pray tell, might replace Bret in this match?

Well the Twix ladies were happy anyway.

Long story short, Sheamus interfered and caused Randy to lose as the result of a count-out. Justin did get to feel the wrath of an RKO though…. as did the champ. He’s a moody sod, that Randy Orton. Skip Sheffield and David Otunga beat JoMo and R-Truth to secure their places in the Nexus, then we were “treated” to a 6-Diva tag match which had no impact upon the rest of the show or the Divas title itself. If you can’t hear me, I’m sighing. Sighing hard. The bad kind of sigh. Not the good kind.

Maryse may have had one too many white wine spritzers at the Summerslam after-party.

Heath Slater managed to keep himself in a job when he eliminated Edge by count-out AGAIN. Edge then asserted his authority by leaving Slater doubled over in pain. Death by snarl!

thankyaverymuch

There was just one match left and amazingly all six guys had managed to dodge the dole queue. Darren Young, however, left through the back door and with his P45 in hand. The boys in black and amber warned him earlier in the show that his opponent of choice might be a step too far and he really should have listened. I’ll spare you any Black John Cena jokes. They’re six months old now and while I’m guilty of a little recycling from time to time, even I’m fed up of them. And I love a cheap joke. Poor old Darren Young. Even with his brothers in armbands spectating from the top of the ramp for support, he of the scary hair met his fate at the hands of an excessively confident Cena. And what was to become of the only little boy to lose his match?

We're a gorgeous race of people.

Survival of the fittest, baby! And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

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2 thoughts on “raw(lite): brothers in armbands

  1. Oh dear your comments on Justin Gabriel and Maryse sent me over the edge howling with laughter. Brilliant job, Ray!!

    Also, please don’t bring back (fake)Matt Striker again, I like it better when you guys do the commentary. 😀

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