nxt episode nine: my perfect cusan

Sat upon her throne created from the shattered dreams and ambitions of many lesser, perhaps more opinionated wrestling blogs, Boss Lady Ray sets forth a decree.

In tonight's episode, the role of Boss Lady Ray will be performed by William Regal

I know… I know… no NXT recaps for the last 3 weeks – only a short mardy-arse article complaining about Tommy Dreamer and TNA raping the corpse of ECW again. An article which, I should point out, Mr Dreamer was gracious enough to comment on and compliment, thus making me feel like an even bigger tit than normal. But the truth is I did write recaps, honestly I did. But, due to technical ineptitude those recaps never saw the light of day. I might try and persuade Ray to let me put them as “bonus tracks” on include them as a bonus chapter in the inevitable book adaptation.

[BOSS LADY RAY’S EDIT: I can confirm that there was at least one NXT recap and it was my fault it didn’t get posted. I’ve been making up for it ever since.]

Still, it’s not like much has happened since the last recap. We had an assault course challenge and a talk show segment. Oh, and most upsettingly for Ray, we lost Eli Cottonwood…

So yes, after the Keg carry Competition, the Talk the Talk Challenge and the Obstacle Course we are well and truly back in the realm of tacky “Generation Game” style goofiness. Will this week be any exception? Well no, it wasn’t… in fact, I’ll give you a clue:

Yes, in their infinite wisdom, the WWE decided that the best way to take up the first half of the show was with a kissing competition. Now, I’ll be honest. I didn’t hate this as much as the rest of the internet seemed to (I’m sure others crankier than I will have had their “opinion” on the matter) but it was certainly not something I’d want to show someone who wasn’t a fan of wrestling. Still, even if I had my reservations, at least someone was happy:

Sadly, only minutes later Striker was to find that the Rookies wouldn’t actually be lining up to kiss him. Instead they would be kissing the self-proclaimed co-Women’s Champions (and best thing to happen to the WWE for a while) Layla and Michelle McCool in order to win a “fabulous package of prizes”

But no, seriously,  “real talk” and so on. First of all, kissing the Undertaker’s new wife “as long… as soft… and as passionately as you choose” is probably not going to much for your future career prospects.

Second of all; Layla, being the little English muffin that she is, is much too respectable to go around kissing the likes of Husky Harris for no reason. No, the BFF-champs had a replacement in mind to do the kissing for them:

If I was in the mood, I suppose I could write a bit about how this could be considered demeaning to women and how embarrassed the actress must have felt being insulted and laughed at – but let’s face it, this is the WWE. If you’re expecting a fair treatment of women (or men for that matter) based on character and personality over physical appearance, you’ve come to the wrong place.

First up is Husky Harris, and at the risk of completely contradicting my last sentence, I doubt he’s high on anyone’s list of wannabe kissers – and he pulls exceptionally creepy faces when he knows he’s about to get some.

Husky had a good go, although the whole “wipe the kiss off afterwards” thing never goes down too well in my experience. Next up, Michael thingy, you know… what’s his bloody surname?

After twirling Margarita round for a proper look at the goods, he pulled her close…

…and then, rather bizarrely, decided to lick her face. Either a tribute to the Bushwackers, or that’s just what the ladies go for nowadays

Michelle doing her famous "Excited Teapot" impression there.

Next up was Lucky Cannon. Now, you may recall that way back at the end of Series One I said that Lucky Cannon was probably the looker of the group – a fact I had verified at an extremely shrill volume and frequency watching an old FCW match of his in the bunker last night. It should come as no surprise then that Margarita seemed quite excited by the prospect

Lucky’s a romantic soul at heart. The chin-hold, the head tilt, the distinct lack of face licking… he’s a class act that one. Shame he’s no personality and he’s not that great a wrestler, but still: a class act.

Percy Watson was next, and I feel I owe him an apology. In the past I have criticised his lack of multiple facial expressions, when it turns out that this is his natural expression when confronted by girls. With Layla and Michelle being on NXT every week, he was just showing his revulsion.

I’m not one to cast aspersions on anybody’s sexuality, despite what Boss Lady Ray might imply elsewhere on this site. But for someone who describes himself as a “South Beach Party Boy” he definitely seems to have issues with kissing. Anyway, who’s up next? Supermodel extraordinaire Kaval! How would his Pros react? Would they play fair or would they interfere on his behalf?

Yeah, Layla wasn’t too keen on letting Kaval just go around kissing random women, even if they were Homecoming Queen once upon a time. But how about Kaval? Was he up for the challenge?

Apparently not. Still, there must be some way to get his courage up for the big kiss? Maybe his Pros could offer some encouragement of some sort?

Ah, that would do it. At the risk of sounding like a dirty old perv (I am a dirty old perv, I’d just rather not make it obvious), but Layla looks great at the moment – and her “taking one for the team” certainly seemed to do the trick. Kaval, rather dizzy from the experience, summoned up his fighting spirit and planted one on Margarita…

The last competitor in this feat of strength and skill? Alex Riley: the Varsity Villain. Out of all the Rookies, Riley seemed to the most into it.

All his efforts were for naught however, after Margarita announced that Lucky Cannon was actually the best kisser. His prize? Tonsilitis, gingivitis, halitosis, athletes foot and that uniquely American invention, cooties (I still don’t know what they are.)

So there we are, another week of NXT, another strange competition. But before I finish this I should leave you with one final romantic image. Perhaps the most tender embrace of the entire show.

Oh crap! I forgot! There was some wrestling as well after all this… Oh well, you don’t care about that stuff anyway…