smackdown(lite): from here to eternity

Great news! The Undertaker is awake and passing on important information regarding his brutal attacker. According to Kane, his big brother opened his eyes and informed him that Rey Mysterio was the fiend behind his coma. Hmm. That doesn’t seem very Rey Mysterio-ish. There must be some mistake. Also, it’s all just a little too convenient. Kane did another one of this tedious redemption speeches, but I always enjoy a sneaky little Bobby Darin reference:

Christian won a solid match against Drew McIntyre, then we were ‘treated’ to Cody Rhodes in a facemask. Apparently, pimply skin is unappealing. You know what’s unappealing, Cody Rhodes? You. And you’re a bit late with your audition tape for the new Hulk movie.

Try as you may, you’ll never be quite as dashing as Mark Ruffalo.

Even the cartoon version of Cody wishes he was as dashing as Mark Ruffalo

After another video from the not too anticipated Alberto del Rio, we went backstage where Punk was expressing how especially disappointed in his brood of supposedly loyal followers he was. After applying a hefty and painful dose of tough love……

….Luke Gallows was forced to take on the super-smiley Big Show. At first it was all Show, with the giant one calling for a microphone so everyone could hear the sharp snap of skin-on-skin as he swiped his palm across Gallows’ chest. But being a giant only gets you so far when your opponent has three pals at ringside, all determined to stick their oar in. Some sleeper moves and some platform boot stompings later and Big Show was out for the count. Even more exciting was that Punk pulled his arm sling off and shoved it in Show’s face. I hope this means Punk’s ready for a match at Summerslam. I really need something to jazz Summerslam up. So far, I’m struggling.

The sling of hope.

Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler have been working well together for weeks, but last week they finally had the match they’ve been working towards. Dolph won by DQ when he lost his temper with the bleached cheat, so the Intercontinental title did not change hands. It’s all building nicely towards (hopefully) a big Summerslam match. It could easily be the sleeper match of the night if it happens.

To the ladies, where Layla was all set to defend her Women’s title against Tiffany. You may remember that LayCool bought each other necklaces similar to these last week:

Message to Matt Striker: All week, Sidekick Andrew has been channelling his envy into convincing me that you bat for the other side. He has been unsuccessful in this hurtful quest, but it would have been a whole lot easier to fight your corner had you not suggested that you and Todd Grisham get matching LIFE PARTNER necklaces on last week’s Smackdown. Thanks.

So as I said, there was a title match to take place, but Vickie Guerrero wanted to switch things up a bit. As LayCool are self-professed CO-Women’s champions, Vickie decided that the more experienced Michelle McCool should defend the title, which almost guaranteed Tiffany a loss in her first ever title match.

In Tiff’s defence, she made a valiant effort, but also made the rookie mistake going off a bit quick and running out of steam before the end. This she allowed who breaks faith to do just that on Mrs. McIntyre and keep the title(s) in a firm LayCool grip.  Music to Vickie Guerrero’s ears, I’m sure, but Vickie isn’t the General Manager of Smackdown. Teddy Long promptly appeared on the titantron and informed the champ(s) that they could no longer flounce around sharing a singles title. They’d have to decide between themselves who was going to be the Women’s champion. They were none to pleased. Uh-oh. Could this be the beginning of the end for LayCool?

Let's hope not.

And so to our main event, which was Rey Mysterio vs Jack Swagger. To begin with it was a fairly standard Swagger/Mysterio match. Then things moved into the crowd, which I always enjoy. There’s nothing quite like witnessing that curious mixture of disgust, fear and over-enthusiasm as two sweaty men drape themselves over unassuming members of the public.

So happy.

From here they moved to the merchandise stand, where unprepared arena staff pressed themselves into a barrage of punters trying to a get a closer look at their heroes.

To use Matt Striker’s words (because I don’t do that enough already)…. It’s becoming disturbing now! Actually, it wasn’t. That was just Striker’s legendary exaggeration coming into play. What he should have said is…. It’s becoming a bit silly now. Swagger punched and kicked Rey out of the building and into the road.

They gradually tumbled towards the ocean’s edge and rolled around as the greasy Corpus Christi waves lapped at their even oilier bodies.

It was like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr but without the closed-mouth Hollywood kissing. And if you don’t know what that refers to, you need to brush up on your old movie knowledge. Swagger picked Rey up and tried to throw him into the slicked water, but Rey managed to wriggle himself free and send Swagger flying instead. A victory for Mysterio, one might say. That is, until Kane appeared at the shoreline and chucked Rey into the water too.

Well I don’t remember that happening in From Here to Eternity. God, wrestling. You’re so unromantic!


2 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): from here to eternity

  1. BY THE way did you happen to see Dolph Ziggler do some sadly pathetic karoke, last night go figure he sang “I’m too sexy”

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