smackdown(lite): eat a punch, to take a punch, to get a punch

I’m on holiday this week, hence the quietness around the blog. I’d apologise but it’s the first week I’ve had off work since Christmas.  Just in case I’ve been missed, I’ll see what I can do to give you something special over the weekend.

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So at MITB, Kane won the blue briefcase and went on to cash his contract in on an ailing Rey Mysterio the very same night. His promo at the beginning of Smackdown was fairly standard. 13 years of hurt, yadda yadda yadda. Vengeance for my brother’s brutal beating, blah blah blah. I like to hang goldfish by the tail and watch them slowly suffocate,  yeah yeah yeah. Wait. What? Anyway, it went on a little too long and achieved very little, other than to make it even better when it is eventually revealed that Kane was indeed the Undertaker’s assailant.

Let me guess... Fire? Brimstone? Yeah. Thought so.

Despite their previous animosity, Christian and Matt Hardy teamed up to face Drew McIntyre and Dash… no, I’m not doing it. It’s just Cody Rhodes. Dashing sounds ridiculous. The match was solid and lasted a considerable amount of time, but it had no bearing on any stroryline, so I shall not linger on it, other than to say…..

Jack Swagger uttered the ultimate heely comment when he tried to sully Eddie Guerrero’s memory, then we were straight into another Alberto Del Rio promo video, in which he tried to have a conversation with a statue, claimed that bravery breaks down cultural stereotypes (I think) and then went on to say…..

What was that about a superior education? Fibs? Yeah. Thought so.

This happened:

…followed by a return to Intercontinental action, with Kofi Kingston vs Dolph Ziggler. All was well and Kofi dominated while Matt Striker and Todd Grisham discussed whether Kofi had been too risky at the PPV, jumping on to the announce table from such a great height and the like. Todd thought the Kofster had been foolish, Matt responded with “Sometimes you gotta eat a punch, to take a punch, to get a punch. You wouldn’t know.” Hmm. I’m not entirely sure what that means. Something along the lines of ‘You gotta speculate to accumulate’, I suspect. But it sounds so much cooler when he says it. Anyway, not-so-secret crushes on the staff aside, Dolph began to take over and threw Kofi out of the ring. Michael McGillicutty had accompanied his NXT pro to the ring and rushed to his side to mop his brow.

Vickie Guerrero, in her official managerial position, took umbrage with this and ordered the rookie to leave the arena. Being the boss, he couldn’t refuse, so he scuttled off and left his mentor to fend for himself. Further back and forth fighting ensued before Vickie felt the need to help her hunk again. While the ref dealt with Dolph in the middle of the ring, Kofi took a breather and rested on the ropes. Vickie gave his leg a lovely little cuddle:

…….rendering him immobilised long enough for Dolph to do the business and get Kofi in his infamous sleeper hold. Game over.

The MITB PPV was completely Punk-Free. Sad times for…… errrm….. me! But the SES were back in action again come Tuesday Friday with Luke Gallows vs Big Show. Punk, however, had an alternative in mind. He whispered gently in Luke’s ear and asked him to step aside while the much mentioned mystery man took his place.  Incidentally, before we got on to revealing the worst kept secret in ages, a message to Todd Grisham. If you’re going to suggest that CM Punk is a martian, at least do me the courtesy of passing on the coordinates of his home planet. I’ve got a team from NASA on stand-by to take me there.

Please?

Back in the match Big Show made light work of the previously mentioned mystery man and dragged his mask off to reveal:

Yep. Former intoxicate and former WWE employee Joey Mercury was back and, apparently, the whole Straight Edge thing is more than just a gimmick. He’s got a new haircut and is now making healthy lifestyle choices. Here’s hoping for happier times with Punk mentoring him. Speaking of mentoring, one of things I’d rather not see guidelines for is male grooming. I don’t even want to watch myself squeeze blackheads and floss, let alone Cody Rhodes. Make it stop! Make it stop!

Following a locker-room interview with Rey Mysterio and another pointless Alberto Del Rio video, we were on to our main event – Rey Mysterio vs Jack Swagger for the Heavyweight title’s Number One Contendership. It was a great match, and making is a 2-outta-3-falls match made it extra long. Rey took the first fall which, naturally, meant that Swagger was going to take the second when a twist of Rey’s injured ankle forced him to tap out. Some pretty much impossible moves later (impossible with that injury, I mean) and Rey was back in the N1C spot.

Once again, Rey’s celebrations were thwarted by Kane, who stomped out to the ring immediately. He ejected Swagger and then approached Mysterio, seemingly to cause further pain. But no. The Big Red Monster ain’t such a brute after all.

Oh. Wait.

No. Hang on……

And then…..

Yes, Matt Striker. Kane is indeed irate.

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One thought on “smackdown(lite): eat a punch, to take a punch, to get a punch

  1. Ooh ooh! I’ve got one! Matt Hardy’s so fat he had to have a gastric band fitted! LOL!!!

    Honestly Ray… I expected better from you *shakes head* (you’ll be getting all my hate mail now :P)

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