raw(lite): thar she blows!

It is widely agreed that last week’s Raw was one of the best of the year. So, ‘last week’s Raw’…..what made you so great?

The Money in the Bank PPV was 24 hours in the past and it was time to look forward to Summerslam. With Sheamus the WWE champ, he needed an opponent. So without a second to lose, Randy Orton, Edge and Jericho fought it out to decide who got to be the Number One Contender. They had a spectacular  match in which all three could easily have taken it at any point. But with Randy Orton the only partial face in the ring, he was the most likely winner.

Orton did indeed win and the WWE Universe became so obsessed with The Viper that they started a Twitter campaign in which they called for him to join Twitter. I spent most of Tuesday grumbling about the fangirls filling their Twitter-feeds with #RANDYORTON #RANDYORTON #RANDYORTON #RANDYORTON, but fair play to the kids, they got their man. John Cena texted Randy to let him know that Twitter wanted him and by the end of the day both Mr. RKO and Mrs. RKO were in possession of Twitter accounts. People power! Of course, far more interesting than all this is that William Regal now has an account. The only shame is that it looks as if he won’t be updating that often. Still…….

Lol?

Back to the show. With the N1C out of the way, Edge and Jericho were left with nothing to do. Edge called Jericho back out, they squabbled a bit, then the Nexus arrived and mauled Edge. Jericho found this to be fantastic, but he too found himself at the business end of beating when leader-man Wade Barrett expressed his displeasure that Jerchico’s been claiming that Wade’s success is his success. When you think about it, it’s pretty amazing how much impact Wade Barrett’s had lately. In March he was an FCW regular, now he’s ruling the roost on Raw. Even Josh Matthews now refers to him as ‘Mr. Barrett’ and ‘sir’. Nice.

If you remember, the MITB PPV ended with John Cena in a fit of rage. Come Raw, the fury had subsided but John was in full ‘Serious-Times’ mode. Live via satellite from……the locker room, John asked to meet Mr. Barrett in the ring later in the show to deliver a message. Jerry Lawler, who was most concerned about this, questioned John on why he would do such a thing.

...assemble a team of your pals to help you beat 'em? Wait. That's not a spoiler or anything. Actually, sod it, it's been a week. You already know how this works out.

The Raw Divas division is lacking, to say the least, so they can’t really afford for Maryse to spend a month or so flouncing about on the arm of a millionaire. She was back in the ring again last week against Eve. Sadly, by the time I managed to pick up my mug of tea, take a few sips and put it down again, it was over. Ted DiBiase, who happened to spend a few seconds on commentary, lost his rag with the ref when he realised Maryse had been duped out of a win. We all love a hero, but dude, don’t fight her battles for her. It’s not becoming. You know what else isn’t becoming? John Morrison.

I know, right? Look at him there with his airbrushed jeans, silicone-like abs and the hair-do of a small girl. Yet nothing. Not a single heart-beat skipped. It seems being able to string a sentence together is more important to me than I even realised.

Sheamus came out to announce that he’d made a gentleman’s agreement with the Nexus that if he didn’t get involved with their business, they’d leave him alone. Seems fair. The Miz, now in possession of a special briefcase, had something to add. It’s amazing how such a rubbish piece of plastic can mean so much, isn’t it? Anyway, Miz just wanted Sheamus to know that he was to become his very own stalk-machine, primed and ready to swipe the WWE title from his waist/shoulder (delete as appropriate) at any moment. A Sting impression later and Sheamus was angry enough to throw a tantrum.

....because I've been waiting for ages for a legitimate reason to post a picture of Paul Newman. (And everyone loves taking the mick out of Sting.)

The GM was fed up with all this throwing of wobblers, so he sent Evan Bourne out to teach Sheamus a lesson. The Miz sat at ringside stroking his briefcase in the manner of  Blofeld, waiting for his moment to pounce. Sheamus went on to win the match, which you would think might give Miz pause for thought regarding the pounce. Not our Mizzy. While Sheamus was lording it up in celebration, Miz jabbed the briefcase into his ribs and, pacing back and forth, he pondered whether to cash in the contract or not. Miz applied his finisher, chucked his briefcase over the ropes and declared himself officially ‘cashing-in’.

The ending seems pretty much a given, right? Nope. R-Truth ran out, Miz called off the match just before the bell ding-ding-dinged and they chased each other out of the arena.The saga continues……..

Santino and Koslov had a pretty uneventful tag match against Zack Ryder and William Regal, then Wade Barrett swung himself down the ramp, pursed his lips repeatedly and hung round for a match against Mark Henry. Nexus were under strict orders not to show up at ringside, but nobody said anything about the stage, so they appeared just long enough to distract Mark, allowing Wade to do a John Cena and spread him across his rather fine shoulders. In real life news, apparently Wade’s back isn’t quite as strong as Mr. Cena’s and he managed to do a spot of damage to the ole lumbar region.

Thar she blows!

I hear it’s none too serious though, so all should be well come tonight’s show. With another victory in the bag, it was time for John Cena to make his big announcement. Would John Cena join Nexus? How exciting would that be, eh? A HEEL JOHN CENA! John thought about it for a minute. He pontificated and pondered but after a lingering look to the crowd, Cena decided that his merchandising sale percental just couldn’t handle it. Following another promise of GBH from Barrett, John marched back up the ramp, turned around and vowed to take all seven heathens out one-by-one at Summerslam. But wait, he’s no dummy. Quietly, calmly and secretly, John had been assembling a crack-team of assailants to bring down this brood of cheeky youngsters. So, which members of the roster had ‘leader-of-the-good-guys’ persuaded to join him?

Team Good-Guys chased Team Bad-Guys away and the crowd rejoiced. But by far my favourite thing about this unveiling of the team members was Wade Barrett’s ‘Fucking hell’ (or something along those lines) when presented with Bret Hart. He probably didn’t swear. But I’ll just pretend. Dear Wade Barrett, you don’t know me, but I think I love you. Tweet me, yeah?

So, yeah, this was a pretty great Raw. I was impressed for two hours. But you know what’s really impressive? Being consistently great. Go on, Raw. Make it two weeks in a row. I dares ya!

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3 thoughts on “raw(lite): thar she blows!

  1. amazing recap as usual ray =) i just wish RAW was like this every week… keeping the bad segments at minimum and keeping the good segments and wrestling balanced

    and i wonder… will barret take a place in your heart alongside cm punk? o3o

    anyways, it feels nice to check your site again, i really missed reading your recaps, ima go check the other posts later

  2. Pity this week’s was pure crap, Raw was on a row on being actually good!

    Great recap – I love how you touched on Randy trending on Twitter! And all the Jericho love, hell yeah!!
    Bret Hart is def a urgh.

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