smackdown(lite): hell hath no fury like a british woman scorned

On this week’s Smackdown, Kofi Kingston kicked off the show with a great match against Dashing Cody Rhodes. Unfortunately, there was no official winner. Kane, still stomping about like he owns the joint, interrupted the end of the match with fireballs and red light filters.

This was followed by a visit to the locker room where Rey Mysterio was receiving medical attention from the trainer, as the result of last week’s assault by Jack Swagger. I’ve tried many a time to persuade my dad to put his sports medicine skills to good use and get a job in wrestling. I even showed his him this segment….

Still not interested, but as soon as he changes his mind and he slips me the keys to the medical room, I’ll report live from every event. Promise. Back in the realms of reality, Rey Mysterio gave someone with actual access to the locker room a heartfelt interview about how he was going to surrender his title to Jack Swagger. But he was just joshing.

Just joshing. Get it? Never mind.

The previous week, Drew McIntyre was allowed back into the US following his expired work permit debacle. While soaring across the Atlantic, Drew had something of a lightbulb moment. He was ready to turn over a new leaf, make a fresh start and *insert your own cliché here. Teddy Long wasn’t buying it and put him through several humiliating acts before forcing him to fight for a place in the MITB match. Drew got his place in the match and spent this week cheating his way to a win over Christian. Leopards, spots etc.

Now to something I’ve been patiently waiting on for some time….. the unmasking of CM Punk. Sure, I’ve seen him since his head was shaved, but I’ve been waiting for someone to make my day and rip his mask off. On this week’s show, that moment arrived. Punk and all three of his followers stood in the ring while Punk instructed the audience to shush and listen to his sermon. For the record, I shushed. I shushed good. The silence didn’t last long though. Big Show decided to hijack the SES’ screen time and march down to the ring with a collection of ladders in hand.

Punk was fuming that Show seemed so oblivious his presence. Big Show went on to do something of a stand-up routine, which was actually very entertaining. Here cometh a plea from myself and the Sidekick: Never, ever turn Big Show heel again. Ever. Ever. EVAH! Punk decided to hand his talk-time over to Show, who used the time to display how difficult it is for giants to climb conventional ladders. The SES sat on the announce table and mocked him.

Show had a plan. He had six crew guys carry a bespoke ladder out to the ring. A 3o0lb ladder which he lifted with one freakin’ hand! Punk, however, wasn’t impressed. He likened Show to King-Kong and went on to explain to the crowd how he would be challenging for the title shot himself had Kane not put his arm in a sling. While this went on, the SES sneaked up on Show and attacked him, leaving Punk to enjoy his ascent up the ladder. But Punk had a problem. While he waved to the crowd from his lofty seat, Show made light work of the minions and ascended the ladder himself. Observe:

Yep. With nowhere to go, Punk was Big Show’s bitch and found himself……

Ohhhh it’s so nice to see his face again. My infamous impatience plagued me while waiting for this moment, but the wait was very much worth it. Wanna know how happy my face was? Remember that day where you felt amazingly happy? You know the one. Happier than that.

This glorious event was proceeded by a mixed-tag match, which wasn’t really a mixed tag-match. But at least the Dudebusters and Chris Masters got a booking. Layla and Trent Barretta were up against Kelly Kelly and Chris Masters. Kind of. The ladies fought it out in the ring while their male counterparts and Tiffany cheered on at ringside. It all started going a bit wrong when Rosa Mendes, still trying to lose weight in a bid to join LayCool (!), skipped her way out to the ring.

Present heterosexual men with a big-boobed lady jumping up and down and they’ll completely forget what they’re doing. The Dudebusters fell into this category, leaving Layla alone in the ring and went to swing Rosa’s skipping rope as she jumped.

What martyrs they are!

Layla was not happy that she’d been so rudely abandoned and screeched until they returned to her side. Unfortunately for Layla her distraction left Kelly time to drag her frustrated opponent down and pin her for the win. Rosa better have eyes in the back of her head for a while. Hell hath no fury like a British woman scorned.

You'll have to trust me on this one.

Back to the boys, where MITB competitors Dolph Ziggler and Matt Hardy duked it out. Despite actually pulling a move off the top rope which offered a tiny glimpse into Matt Hardy’s high-flying past, Dolph won the match when mature lady-friend Vickie Guerrero distracted the ref long enough for her younger fella to do the business.

At the end of the previous week’s show, Jack Swagger vowed to prove to Kane that he had nothing to do with the Undertaker’s mauling. This week he appeared in the ring with his alibi. His daaaaddyyyyy! Ugg. Actually, I felt kind of sorry for the guy. We’ve seen our fair share of reluctant family members in the ring over the years. But not all dads can be as excitable and enthusiastic as Cena Senior. Jack’s pops had a good go, but the awkward, gnawing feeling in his stomach seemed to radiate through the screen.

Swagger presented a pile of posed photos designed to prove to the Big Red Monster that he couldn’t possibly have hurt Taker. He hanging with his daddy. My personal favourite was the supposed evidence that they won the Oklahoma State Chicken Wing Eating Contest.

According to my research, there are many disgusting eating contests in Oklahoma, but none involve chicken wings. Hah! In your face, Swagger family! I suppose Kane must have done some swift Googling too, because he didn’t believe a word of the story. He attacked the two fibbers, but Jack fought back, only releasing when the aching Rey Mysterio hobbled out and 619’d him. Kane had Senior and Junior in his grasp and was about to chokeslam them both through the floor when Jack slinked away, leaving his precious daddy receive a tombstone piledriver alone.

Fun times ahead at the next family gathering in Oooooooo-kla-ho-ma! Where the wind comes sweep-in’ down the plaaaaaaain! ……Humour me. Please. Thanks.