raw(lite): master of the microphone

A couple of weeks ago I was preparing myself for a month or so without Wade Barrett at the helm of the good ship Nexus. It turned out that a few hours at the American Embassy in London was all it took to get the illustrious leader back on our screens.


Wade had received an email from the still anonymous GM of Raw, where he was ordered to assemble the Nexus boys in the ring at the beginning of the show to receive a punishment for the way they’ve been behaving of late. As Wade told me the GM in his email reply, the reasons for Vince McMahon’s mauling are part of a bigger picture, which will become clear at a later date. Rumour has it that Nexus is the brainchild of one HHH which, quite frankly, makes me tingle in strange places. Heel Triple H and Wade Barrett working together? Yeah. That’ll work. Anyway, while Skip Sheffield went on about how great it was to injure Ricky Steamboat (Ricky’s out of the woods now by the way) the GM was composing a new email to Michael Cole. To summarise…

It took about five seconds for John Cena to show up and question the rookies on why they’ve not had a fair, scheduled match on Raw yet. Errr because nobody’s let them, John? Cena seized power and brought some good friends along to help him deal with these pesky kids.

But wait! What’s this? All the heel guys from the locker room helping Nexus? What’s that you say? The Nexus storyline seems to have the haphazard feel of NXT season one? I couldn’t have put it better myself fake assistant. So yeah, the youngsters ran away leaving all the good guys fighting off the bad guys. Said bad guys then ran up the ramp and Sheamus informed Cena & Co. that they had no interest in helping them put Nexus out of action. John was getting a bit upset. His bottom lip was trembling and everything. So secret BFF Randy Orton took over.

Another melee was about to ensue when the incommunicado GM flashed the lights and sent Cole another email. Heh. I flashed the lights to make people think Undertaker was coming out. I’m so clever.  It was suggested that John Cena come out later in the show and shake Wade Barrett’s hand. Despite my love of wrestling it really does irk me when people don’t get along. John, however, disagreed with me, looking straight into the camera and discussing his preference for punching Wade’s teeth out instead.


The GM wasn’t happy with this response and suggested that if John couldn’t be the bigger man in the situation, he would be punished accordingly. Oh and just to mix things up a bit, the email ended “And that’s the bottom line ’cause the GM said so!” Hah! That’ll fool all the dullards, right? In amongst all this nonsense, it was also announced that rather than have the whole roster fight in one match, they would fight in individual matches throughout the night. The first of these matches was to be between John Morrison and Ted DiBiase, with lady-friend Maryse misunderstanding Michael Cole’s questions on commentary.

The match was passable but it had no chance at making an impact while Maryse took phonecalls on her mobile and Jerry Lawler announced that his favourite French word was derrière.

Maryse distracted the ref by strutting around in John Morrison’s horse-skin coat like a show pony, leaving Teddy time to win the match.

William Regal and the Great Khali tagged against Santino and Koslov in a predictably silly match leaving Regal exiting the arena alone, while the rest of them attempted to dance Bollywood style. Regal did call his opponents ‘oxygen thieves’ though, which I’m on a mission to use somewhere in everyday life.

Sheamus had a backstage moment with Arn Anderson, then we were on to R-Truth’s match against The Miz. Actually the match never really got started. Following Truth’s standard “Nashville, Tennessee….What’s Up?” bit, Miz rapped his way out and walloped Truth with the mic while he scoffed at Miz’s rapping technique and before he could get as much as a punch in.

It has just occurred to me that the run-up to this PPV is much like the run-up to the Royal Rumble, in that all the feuds are kind of stagnant until it’s out of the way. The good news is that Summerslam is to follow, so all should pick up again after next weekend. The lost little boy known as Edge was up next in a special MITB episode of The Cutting Edge. After a rant about how he planned on winning the Raw MITB match, he introduced his guest for the evening – Evan Bourne. Wheeeee…….

They shared some verbal, then started having a scrap among the display ladders. This got tedious so the GM flashed the arena lights and sent Cole another email. After a few more Stone Cold red herrings, the bad guys in the ring were informed that they had to let the real Evan Bourne play in their game. Wheeeeee……

It wouldn’t be fair to let Evan Bourne take on both Edge and Jericho by himself, even though he’s got the spunky spirit to do so. Randy Orton was announced as his tag partner and they went on to have an impressive match, lasting more than 13 minutes; that’s almost unheard of on Raw. If you usually skip through Raw, it’s definitely worth a watch. Evan won the match with an AirBourne on Jericho. Of course, this was all a little too easy. While Evan celebrated this run of good times, Randy RKO’d him into the middle of next week.

So Randy Orton is being a mean bastard and Evan Bourne is someone’s doormat…..

Backstage, some of the Nexus kids tried to recruit Randy Orton to their side of the battle-line. No dice! Then the Usos + Tamina picked on Josh Matthews, who was punished further by having to accompany Alicia Fox through a horrible promo.

Seriously, get this girl to a voice coach immediately. That dialogue was choppier than a lumberjack convention. (I’m sorry.) This was followed by a Divas title match between Alicia and Eve, which was mildly better than the promo. Alicia retained after pretending to damage her ankle and before delivering a bitchin’ scissors-kick to Ms. Torres’ head. Then she danced around a bit and fake-limped out, mocking the ref for believing her pain.

She'll also be needing an acting coach.

And so we’re back to where we began. By order of the GM, Wade Barrett made his way to the ring and, like a gentleman, asked that John Cena come out and shake his hand, you know, like a real man. Cena’s music sang out as he walked all sullen-faced to the ring. Wade was left to be the bigger man Cena was supposed to be and offered to let the past be just that. A tentative John Cena clarified the terms of the handshake, then went into full-on John Cena mode – cracking jokes and calling upon a classic 80s movies for cultural references. John wasn’t buying what Wade was selling and suggested he stuff his gentlemanly behaviour up his Nexus. John’s joke, not mine. My jokes are awesome.

I said sorry, didn't I?

From there things got serious. Cena got up in Barrett’s face, then tried to walk away. Barrett, Master of the Microphone himself, persuaded Cena that it was in his best interests to shake hands. So he did…..

But before Barrett had time to draw his hand back, Cena threw him up on his shoulders and tried to adjust his attitude. The rest of Nexus ran out immediately to rescue their leader. It was as if they were waiting behind the curtain or something! Of course, now that it was seven-on-one, Cena’s pals had to even the score. So they ran out to rescue their leader.  The children managed to make it up to the ramp (minus Darren Young) but before they could disappear, the lights flashed and Michael Cole was compelled to read out another email. The GM was furious and ordered that as the result of Cena’s lack of diplomacy, he’d have to face all seven of Nexus by himself next week. Figuring the damage was already done, John went on to beat up Darren Young.

You know what dream where you meet a version of yourself with a different skin colour and you beat them with some steel stairs? No? OK. Just me then. And John Cena.