smackdown(lite): secrets and lies

We’re a bit behind in the ole Smackdown stakes, aren’t we? As explained during the Raw, it was a far more tiring week that expected, so my Smackdown recap never happened. Such is life. But like any soap opera worth its salt, we just need to fill in a few blanks and we’re right back up to date.

Jack Swagger was first to the ring and he’s still seething at losing his World Heavyweight Championship at Fatal 4-Way. Last week he put such a brutal ankle-lock on the Big Show that it left Show unable to stand, despite several attempts. It wasn’t the most convincing of injuries. I’ve said many a time that nobody fakes a leg injury like The Game. I miss him. Roll on Summerslam.

Eeeeep!

I digress. This week Jack’s main concern was that his Daddy (eww) was so distraught that Jack was no longer the champ, that he’s stopped eating and sleeping. There’s nothing like vicariously living through your children to turn one’s stomach. A week on, Big Show was feeling much stronger on his feet and, following a series of mockings, he limped his way to the ring to see if Jack could finish what he started. He never quite made it though. Before he could reach the ropes Cody Rhodes, I mean, DASHING Cody Rhodes took him out. One of the annoying things about skipping last week’s recap was that Cody Rhodes actually pulled of a very good promo. That’s right, the kid who stood sheepishly behind Randy Orton while in Legacy finally came of age. And yes, we must now refer to him only as the Dashing Cody Rhodes. I’ll do my best, but I make no promises.

Dashing and Swaggy buddied up to bring Big Shown down and they didn’t leave until Rey Mysterio came out and Huricanrana’d them out of the ring.

Vickie Guerrero had arranged for Dolph Ziggler to have an Intercontinental Title match against Kofi Kingston, should he win his match against Kofi that night. But when she caught him eyeing up Rosa Mendes doing jumping-jacks amidst the backstage TV cables, relations turned a little frosty.

He’s totally paying for that in extra slurps.

What’s her problem? Who doesn’t do their nightly calisthenics wrapped in cabling and just inches away from a TV taping? Totally normal.I like to do mine while Dr. Who is being filmed in my garden. To the match, which was rather one-sided in Kofi’s favour. With Vickie watching at ringside and a title shot riding on the win, Dolph was far too distracted to be any kind of competition for Kofi Kingston. In fact, Kofi pinned him while he indicated to Vickie that he had it in the bag.

Oh dear. Mummy’s not happy. Dolph’s going to have to be very generous to get himself back into the good books. God bless ya, son!

It was sad times in the Cardiff Wrestle Bunker this week. When Sidekick Andrew informed me that CM Punk may be out of action thanks to some much-needed arm surgery, he had to have a large tub of Bailey’s flavoured Häagen-Dazs with a spoon already in it to hand to comfort me. Thankfully, Punk’s mouth still functions so he’s more than able to appear on Smackdown as planned. Last week, Kane chased him out into the streets of somewhere or other, convinced that the SES were responsible for the Undertaker’s impending death. This week, Serena was desperate for them to reveal a secret. But what could this secret be? Did the SES really beat the Deadman into a coma? And what does it mean when a man holds you by the chin and looks into your eyes?

Oh Serena. He's never going to kiss you. Time to move on, sweetheart.

As Mr. Striker says, let’s not get bogged down in semantics. We’ll come back to said secret later.

The last time we saw Matt Hardy, he was flopping and floundering his way to a win over Drew McIntyre. Not only did Drew lose that match, but he also lost his US visa when Teddy informed him that his work permit had expired and he was being deported to Scotland. Oh how we laughed. “Ha ha ha.” We bellowed. “How cute of them to use his nationality against him. And how kayfabe of them to have his real-life wife (WWE Diva Tiffany) come out smiling and joking during her match, completely oblivious to the fact that her hubby had been deported.” Well, turns out it was all kind of real. The character of Drew McIntyre was indeed without a valid work permit, but so was Drew Galloway, the real-life person. And not only him, but also new Wrestlegasm favourite, Wade Barrett. Apparently, Sheamus was very nearly affected but his paperwork was completed in the nick of time.

Now, far be it from me to tell a global corporation how to operate, but if you hire staff from around the world, would it not be wise to have someone to monitor that all their paperwork is in order? Especially when you have an Englishman heading up one of your biggest storylines in months? Initially it seemed that Wade and Drew might be stuck on this fair isle until Summerslam. The good news is that the legalities have been sorted and they’re now, supposedly, back in the USofA. Wade is expected back on Raw tomorrow and Drew will stay away from TV for a little longer to coincide with the his storyline. Of course, this could all be a load of bollocks. The internet’s a liar sometimes.

Where were we before I got on my high-horse? Ah yes. Matt Hardy. The big elephant in the room (Christian’s words, not mine) was Captain Charisma’s guest on The Peep Show. Awkward moment of the night was when Christian noted that Matt Hardy had been reinstated on Smackdown last week, only to see Hardy have to start his own round of applause when the crowd failed to respond. And this show is RECORDED! They could have made that less cringeworthy by dubbing some applause over it, but they didn’t. Long story short, their exchange got a little heated when they started discussing who might win the Smackdown MITB ladder match at the PPV. As Christian tried to be the bigger man and walk away, Hardy beat him and chucked him into the surrounding ladders.

Since last week we’ve been seeing several “Hi. This is me.” videos from Alberto Del Rio, Smackdown’s newest team member, and I’ve been dying to say something about them. So here’s what’s been playing on my mind…..

The Dashing Cody Rhodes (ugg) cut another decent promo where he seemingly interviewed himself in front of a mirror.

It sounds hideous but actually it was pretty good. One question though; he’s had some porcelain veneers fitted, right? I don’t remember his mouth being that perfect before. And I’m definitely NOT seeing Dashing in a new light or anything. I am, however, still suffering the repercussions of commenting that Zack Ryder is becoming increasingly attractive to me, while watching NXT. Just one of the many comments I will never live down around the Wrestle Bunker.

Speaking of things people would rather keep under wraps, it was time for that big SES secret to be revealed. Kane had a match against Luke Gallows, during which Punk joined him at ringside. Kane, now convinced that Punk really was behind his brother’s beating, grabbed at arm-slung Punk to cause him some extra pain. Serena, clearly smitten with Punk, ran out to explain why he couldn’t possibly have been involved. Punk begged her not say anything, but she loves him dearly. She just couldn’t stand to see him hurt any more. She played this video (skip ahead to 2:15)…..

Lucky Cannon, you dirty boy! Taking advantage of drunken Serena. I kid, of course. She thought she was doing good, but she did bad. Punk shunned Serena and left her alone in the ring. If there’s a space for a female member of the SES available, I’m happy to audition. I don’t smoke and I take prescription medication which means I haven’t had a drink since March and…… oh. Right. Never mind.

Chavo and MVP had a filler match which wasn’t really worth commenting on, so we’ll move on to the Divas. Our beloved commentary team lost their way a little at the beginning of this match. Todd Grisham referred to the Blond-tourage as knockouts (naughty), Matt Striker remarked that Kelly had the asset of “overcoming resiliency”, which I think was supposed to be ‘resilient in the face of adversity’. Todd then went on to suggested that “Everyone’s focussed on…knocking off Layla.” Come on, boys. Get a hold of yourselves! I would expect this of Lawler, but not you.

Now sporting a wedding ring, Michelle McCool was extra fierce that particular evening. But despite the fact that Layla had sprayed the arena with Impulse body-spray to get rid of the Kelly-Stink, the perky one still pinned Mrs. Undertaker for the win. And just in case you you’ve been living under a rock this week…….

Is nobody going to inform Kane of this?

Main event time with Show and Mysterio tagging against Dashing and Swaggy. By the way, Matt Striker, well done on getting all your Twilight references in, you gorgeous pop culture whore! Actually, by mentioning yours I got mine in too. We’ll be gorgeous pop culture whores together. Mwah! The match was solid, fast and entertaining, which it kind of needed to be in an episode slightly light on in-ring action. Much in the same way that Swagger damaged Big Show’s ankle last week, he also tried to do the same to Mysterio, dragging him around by the feet until the ref implored him to end the agony. Who’s ankles will Jack Swagger grab at next? We’ll find out in our next exciting instalment of…… Friday Night Smackdown!

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2 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): secrets and lies

  1. I didn’t watch SD, only the Cody promo and his match at the end! Glad he’s starting to grow on you! And Ryder too, that’s yum x2!

    He did got his teeth done around end-09, I think. He used to have a gap between his front teeth, and closed it up.

  2. Pingback: smackdown(lite): secrets and lies (via WRESTLEGASM.COM) « Susktalks's Blog

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