raw(lite): memo from the connecticut office

Here’s the thing. This was supposed to be a much quieter work week. That’s why we had Guest Post Week last week.  Unfortunately, much as I adore you all for visiting this blog as often as you do, when the people who pay you present you with things to do, they have to come first. Of course, if any rich benefactor would like to pay us to run this website full-time, we’re definitely open to offers. In the meantime, let’s look back at what happened on this week’s painfully mediocre Raw.

The majority of the Raw roster may be living in fear of the Nexus boys, but not our Sheamus. He’s well chuffed. He bleated about how much he detests John Cena and instructed him to go to the back of the queue with regard to the WWE Championship. You know what that means, don’t you?

John was in stellar comedy form, but his serious point in the midst of the fun-times was that, being the new champ, Sheamus was Nexus’ new target. Ergo, the two of them should fight alongside each other against those arm-banded heathens and frighten them away with an intimidating display of unity. Seems reasonable.

You may remember last week that there is a new anonymous GM for Monday Night Raw. Well, the identity of the new GM is still very hush-hush, but when I said “…when the people who pay you present you with things to do, they have to come first.” I may have been dropping you a hint. Ssssshhh. Fingers on lips. By the way, isn’t Connecticut beautiful this time of year? Oops. I’ve said too much.

But I did tell Michael Cole to wear a BLACK suit that night. Ugg. I want to see you in my office immediately, Cole.

The new GM continued their chosen method of involvement in the show and emailed Michael Cole whenever they felt like butting in. This first interference of the night demanded that neither Nexus nor the rest of the roster have any physical contact with each other for the remainder of the night. They also instructed that Sheamus put his WWE title on the line against……Mark Henry. What kind of idiot would think THAT would be an entertaining match? Ahem. Then after some more silliness I…..I mean….. THE GM lowered a steel cage over the ring as way of announcing that Sheamus would have to defend his title against John Cena at MITB, inside a cage. This new GM is marvellous!

Following this, the Hart Dynasty match against the Usos ended before it even started, then R-Truth spun Josh some garbled message about being a zoo keeper. If anyone has a phrase book for whichever country Truth comes from, please shoot me a copy. I’m totally lost. Zoo keeping out the way, we were then presented with a brief filler match between Koslov and Santino. Koslov won and was congratulated by William Regal, his mentor in life, as he exited the ramp. Regal went on to kick Santino for good measure. Hmm. I think I’ll stick with Matt Striker for all my mentoring needs, thanks. Regal continued the kicking but out of nowhere, Koslov grew a conscience and went to Santino’s rescue. Nice to see Southern Europeans and Eastern Europeans looking out for each other.

Rob Zombie came out to celebrate a year of guest hosts on Raw, if you can call coming out and reading a list of names hosting, then he had a heated tete-a-tete with Edge over musical copyright or something or other. It was as thrilling as it sounds. We did, however, get to watch a clip of Edge winning the very first MITB match way back in 2005. Then he started being psycho-Edge again and vowed to snap Randy Orton’s head off with a ladder. It think. I dunno. Raw was rubbish this week. I’m not sure how much I really absorbed. Anyway, the GM was a bit confused by all this chatter, so he OR SHE sent Mr. Cole a new email to announce that all eight MITB competitors would appear in a tag match later in the show.

Phew! We made it through the rough patch, now on to the good stuff. A match! Sheamus against Mark Henry. Oh. Maybe we’re not through the rough patch yet then. Stay with me! Hold me tight! Why oh why did I give last week’s Raw recap away? Raw was great last week. Let’s just keep running away from the rough patch……Sheamus did not lose his title to the WSM. Shocker!

With neither Nexus nor their more experienced counterparts allowed to even gently caress each other, the newbies were itching for a scrap. Skip Sheffield battered a lowly cameraman, then the entire crew (minus Wade Barrett)(minus Bryan Danielson) started bullying little Josh Matthews.

I won’t stand for bullying of any kind. Sit tight, folks. When I’m fully in charge of the catastrophe that is Raw, all those caught bullying will be called to my office and severely chastised.

I’m going to skip the next segment. Ricky Steamboat and a collection of legends were attacked by Nexus and stretchered out of the arena. But then in real life, Ricky was rushed to hospital with a suspected brain aneurism. In light of that, it doesn’t seem right to make crude Michael Hayes jokes and mock the old-timers for attempting to take out men half their age, so I’ll just wish Ricky the very best of health and a speedy recovery.

With Natalya and Tamina showing us how exciting the Women’s division could be on Raw, the current ‘Divas’ seem somehow even less skilled. Alicia Fox and Maryse tagged and won against Gail Kim and Eve Torres. It was impossibly uneventful. Thankfully, the main event was a little more engaging. Edge, Jericho, Miz and Ted DiBiase teamed up against R-Truth, John Morrison, Evan Bourne and Randy Orton in a preview of what we can expect at the PPV. The good guys won when Randy Orton scaled the ladder and grabbed at the cheapest looking briefcase imaginable.

Seriously, I could have knocked up something less shoddy using some craft glue and a cornflakes box. And wait til you see it in blue!

Dear Raw,

For two weeks you were actually pretty good. This week, you returned to your usual awful self. Be better next week. Please.

Thanking you in advance,