GUEST POST WEEK: joey’s raw (lite)

Hello! Me again. I know, I know… It’s guest post week, not Joey week but hell I just love Raw so much *sniff*. On Monday night I snuck into the WRESTLEGASM bunker, threw on Andrew’s dressing gown and snuggled up to Ray’s lifesized cut out of CM Punk to watch one of the best episodes of Raw in a long while.

The show kicked off with the esteemed Chairman of the Board Mr McMahon, who strut his stuff down the ramp and the crowd went wild. I honestly believed that it’d be the end of the whole Mr McMahon angle, and I don’t get why they make him a villain when the crowd clearly love him. I think Vince has become such a legend, it’s not needed for him to be anything different. Vince took the mic and explained that Bret Hart made a bad decision in firing Barrett and not giving the NXTers contracts and that, even though he’d be been bashed about in a limo, he should’ve turned up. God, what a tough boss… I ring in sick if I have Hayfever! Vince then gave the words that both he and I have been waiting for; “Bret, YOU’RE FIRED!”. Oh hallelujah. I was grinning almost as much as Vince was.

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands… *clap*

Vince then went on to explain that there was to be a new GM who preferred to remain anonymous for the time being but how will the GM communicate I hear you ask, well, I’m glad you asked because the idea is that the new GM would send an email to Michael Cole and Cole would read it out. Everytime the GM sends an email there’s a loud ding. Interesting fact, fact fans, my iPhone message tone is exactly the same as the email ding sound. The result? An entire episode of Raw where I checked my phone without fail everytime forgetting it was on the TV. Boo. Before McMahon could continue his smugness, the ding went off and the first big announcement was made. ALL the NXTers would be given contracts. You know what that means, right? JUSTIN GABRIEL. ON RAW. FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. Evil Justin Gabriel is SEXY.

McMahon then went to leave the ring but Sheamus came down and had a few words to say. He had the gold over his shoulder but something was missing. He just wasn’t happy. He looked sad, but why?

Turns out Sheamus didn’t agree with the way he won the title. It was dishonest and he didn’t get it fair and square and, well, he just couldn’t carry the burden anymore. PSYCH. He was totally playing. He then went on a rant about how he didn’t give a damn how he won because he would’ve won anyway. He thanked the NXTers for their hand in helping him win but said that he could easily take the NXTers on. Not to be outdone, John Cena camp to the ring and had a few words with Sheamus. Sidenote: has anyone notice how Sheamus is rocking the Jedward hairstyle? Cena thanked the new GM saying that now the NXTers were officially superstars, they were guaranteed to turn up (yeah, tell that to half the roster who never get a bloody look in) and that meant he could get his revenge.

Then he told Sheamus that he has a rematch clause and he wants to use it there and then. Sheamus, obviously, refused and demanded Mr McMahon kick Cena out of the ring. Then I got a text… wait, no, it was another anonymous email. Cole took to the mic and read out the email “would you like the enlarge YOUR penis by 4 inches?”. I joke, of course, it’s PG. I just hope Cole didn’t give his bank details to a Nigerian Prince in return for “millions of dollars”. Anyspam, Cole announced that Cena and Sheamus WILL go head to head in the main event but there was a twist. There was to be a special enforcer, a man everyone listens to, a man who is wise and strong…

No, not him, silly.

Mr McMahon! With that all three left the ring to go get ready.

Next up we had another chapter in what is looking set to be a great feud. I’ve never really rated Evan Bourne but he’s really impressed me and I can see him rising up in the ranks. Before the match began, Jericho took to the mic and explained that Bourne is a fly by night wannabe and he is sick of being pushed around and that if he doesn’t win tonight. He will quit! Oh dear, could this be the DOWNFALL of Jericho? See what I did there? Because Downfall is the name of the gameshow he presents…

The match was really good and Bourne and Jericho gave it their all. Bourne has got some really cool moves and the hurricanrana he does is just great. Also is it just me but are Bourne’s tights like, really tight. I get the clues in the title but you can see EVERYTHING. Bourne pretty much had the upper hand but after a few near falls and two Walls of Jericho, Jericho managed to avoid a flying Air Bourne and hit the Code Breaker for the win. After the match it seemed like Jericho wanted to make friends.

I cannot wait to see how this one develops!

We then went backstage where Vince was on the phone to the anonymous GM. He said it was a great idea but he doesn’t like being surprised. Wow, his birthdays must be fun. He also revealed that the new GM had “complete and ultimate control”. Uh-oh, that’s never good.

We then zoomed over to Ted DiBiase’s dressing room where Virgil was waiting anxiously. DiBiase came in and explained how sorry it was and how he didn’t mean to upset Virgil. Virgil accepted the apology and then DiBiase fired him. Guess he just can’t catch a break. DiBiase then explained Virgil had been “upgraded”. I figured that maybe DiBiase had stabbed Virgil with a USB wire and then tried to download the new IOS4 so that Virgil could multi-task, but no. It was Maryse. Then came the most painful moment in a long while… (around the 0:55 mark)

Staying backstage, Josh Matthews guests at that time were Natalya and The Hart Dynasty. They were rather pissed off that Bret had been fired and Natalya was pretty much doing all the talking. I liked that. Natalya said there is no doubt this time that Vince screwed Bret and that her match tonight is dedicated to her uncle. Aw, sweet. She then said that “these Harts won’t stop beating”. Um, okay. Then a huge limo pulled up. Who could it be?

After we went to what seemed like 6 minutes of adverts, we came back to Natalya making her way to the ring. Tonight she finally got to wrestle in a singles match against Tamina. I think both these women are fine wrestlers and I haven’t been this excited about the Divas division since the days of Trisha and Lita. The mixed tag at Fatal 4way was outstanding so I had high hopes for this one and it started of great but a few minutes into it the NXTers invaded. Barrett took to the mic and said that the group wanted to apologise but Tyson Kidd didn’t give him the option and flung himself over the ropes. That was a mistake as then the NXTers beat the holy hell out of the Hart Dynasty.


The NXTers got into the ring and we went to ANOTHER break. Once the show returned all the NXTers were stood in a line and I noticed that Justin Gabriel’s trunks seemed to have got lower. I don’t know if that’s possible. He’s like reverse Simon Cowell. Anyway, Otunga took to the mic and explained that they’re really sorry and they did what they did through love of the WWE and now they have their contracts, they can get back to normal. Heath Slater took to the mic and I zoned out because I just kept thinking about how small his face is. I think he said something about the attacks not being personal and they had a few people to apologise to. My interest perked up when Justin Gabriel took to the mic. I know, I know, his mic skills sucked but he did pretty well. Gabriel apologised to Bret and the Hart Dynasty and said they hope that Bret is doing well. He said that the attack before on Tyson Kidd and David Hart Smith was self-defence. I agree although I think I’d agree with anything Justin said.

Darren Young then got on the mic and apologised to Cena. He FINALLY referenced the fact that he looks like a “black John Cena” and that he truly believes Cena will win the title back. I hadn’t ever noticed before but Darren Young has a REALLY gay voice. Like REALLY. Skip Sheffield was next up and he apologised to the WWE Universe. He says he misses the days when the fans were behind him and shouted “yep yep yep”. I hate to be a party pooper but I don’t ever remember the fans doing that. I don’t think they did either so they just booed. Awkward. He said he hopes everyone can forgive and forget. I don’t know if he’s referring to the attacks or just the entire first season of NXT.

The scary guy of the group, Michael Tarver, was next up and he basically apologised for scaring kids. I have a feeling he does that quite often. He then said that he is sorry to his own children and then named them all. He has like 50 kids. He said that they shouldn’t do what he does which I guess makes him a hypocrite. Finally we ended with Barrett who said that the reason he did what he did was out of loyalty and respect for his fellow NXTers. He then referred to them as a “Nexus” which I have a feeling is their new name. Barrett also said that as well as his contract, his PPV title shot was also reinstated. He warned Sheamus that he will put a target on him just as easy as they did Cena. They also had new music. If you’re interested it’s “We Are One” by 12 Stones.

We then had a snoozefest that was a match between John Morrison and Zac Ryder. If you read my blog about Tag Teams then you’ll see why this was boring. Morrison is good at what he does; he just needs a better gimmick. The whole “Shaman of Sexy” thing is getting old. Morrison won the match with Starship Pain which Cole called “gorgeous”. OK…  Then Morrison did a weird celebration with his rookie Eli Cottonwood.

We then went back to the backstage area where John Cena was flagged down by Josh Matthews who asked what Cena thought of the apology. Cena said that his career and body were put at risk so it was, actually, personal so the apology wasn’t accepted. I bet Darren Young is crying into his John Cena pillow now. Mr McMahon then interrupted and said nobody had any excuses tonight and that it would be a fair match. I somehow doubt it.

Then there was a mixed tag between Great Khali & Eve Torres vs Primo & Alicia Fox. It was pointless, I don’t want to recap it so I won’t. There.

Up next we had Randy Orton coming to the ring. Orton was annoyed because he felt the NXTers ruined his opportunity but he said that he accepted their apology. How nice. He then said he wanted Barrett to win the title… wow, Orton is so sweet! He said once Barrett wins it he’s going to beat the crap out of him and take it off him. Oh. Maybe not so nice. Orton then glared down the camera and I did a sex wee.

Before Orton could continue, The Miz came out. Two sexy men in the same ring? WOO. Miz says he also hears voices in his head and they’re telling him that he’s bored of Orton getting title shots. He then said that he wants to be the first man to ever hold the US and WWE titles at the same time. Orton looked like he wanted to snap him in two but Miz had something to tell him. He said he had an industry secret to tell Orton. What could it be? Is he the new GM? No. He just wanted to tell Orton that HE IS THE MIZ AND HE IS… gonna kick Orton and then beat on him. He did just so but before Orton could retaliate, Miz ran out of the ring and then Edge ran in and speared Orton. Then he did that weird pully thing at his hair he does, like doing the spear REALLY takes it out of him. It’s stupid.

Has anyone notice that Edge is looking kinda frail lately? Hope he’s not ill or anything.

Then we finally got to our main event and Mr McMahon was up first. Rather than his usual swagger, he opted to run down the ramp. Must’ve been running out of time. Cena was pretty much beaten up throughout the entire match but managed to get into SuperCena mode a few times. McMahon pretty much did nothing as Special Enforcer but kick it back with the time keeper. Dude gets paid for this! After what was actually getting to be quite a good match the NXTers all invaded once more and Sheamus ran for the hills. Everyone basically ran away leaving McMahon and the NXTers. McMahon took to the mic and invited the Severe Seven into the ring and was all smiles. He explained to everyone that he was partly responsible for what had happened and that he should get some credit. What’s this? Is McMahon is cahoots with the invaders?! He also said that next week the new GM will reveal something big. There was a weird atmosphere though and the NXTers got bored of McMahon’s boasting. So they gave him the evils.

At first they laughed it off and Vince said they scared him for a moment but then they circled him. What happened next was shocking, brave and bolshy TV and a big surprise considering the PG era. Vince was absolutely annihilated, I mean really. After a pretty harsh clothesline from Sheffield, Barrett scooped Vince up for The Wasteland. It was a sickening thud and it sounded like every bone in Vince’s body had been snapped. This was then followed up with a 450 splash from Gabriel. The men left the ring and the crowd were left in shock. A cameraman then abandoned post and ran in the ring and screamed “WE NEED HELP IN HERE! WHERE’S STU?! STU!” I don’t know who Stu is, but I totally want to find out.

We were then left with the harrowing final image of McMahon curled up in pain. What will happen next? Well, we’ll have to find out next week won’t we!


4 thoughts on “GUEST POST WEEK: joey’s raw (lite)

  1. Nice post, and I do agree that Edge isn’t looking well. Maybe some time off and a return on Samckdown will get him back on track.

    And as long as Justin Gabriel keeps that accent, he can say anything he wants..

  2. Haha! I was halfway yawning (it’s late XD) and I read ‘crying into his John Cena pillow’ and I totally stopped yawning midway and burst out laughing and now my jaw hurts. XD

    So much awesomeness in one post! Yes Justin Gabriels’ shorts has become so tiny that it’s borderline non PG. But who’s complaining? *whistles*

    A++ at the spam emails of Michael Cole. I bet he replies to them too!


    “Before Orton could continue, The Miz came out. Two sexy men in the same ring? WOO.”
    I CONCUR. So true.

    Edge is just plain useless right now.

    • I can’t say I noticed any sexual chemistry between Bourne and Jericho myself. It was, however, one of the best matches I’ve seen on Raw in several months.

  3. Haha thanks. I hope Gabriel’s shorts get shorter. I’m loving every inch they slide haha.

    Thanks for the compliments on the post. So much for to do!

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