smackdown(lite): ready or not, here i come, you can’t hide

This has been a very busy week for me. Real life getting in the way of blogging and all that. With the PPV tonight and something special coming up next week, this will have to be an express Smackdown recap.

  • CM Punk bad-mouthed the possibly deceased Undertaker, but was quickly put in his place when Taker came back from the dead.

  • Then Mystery the SES Guy, Kane, Jack Swagger and Big Show came out and had a brawl. This was followed by a lacklustre match where MVP and Christian tagged against Plain-Janes Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins.
  • Kaval was subjected to another evening with Team LayCool while they rejected Rosa Mendes’ attempts at joining the team.

Poor Kaval.

  • Dolph Ziggler worried that his penis was showing in the denim mini-skirt Vickie forced him to wear.

I think I can see the end. Not that I'm crotch watching. Ahem.

  • Chavo had a match against JTG, which was most exciting because Matt Striker decided to sing during it. “Ready or not, here I come, you can’t hide”. Let me finish the line… I’m gonna fiiiiiiind him and make him loooove meeee. I’d like to thank Matt Striker for singing Happy Birthday to me on Friday. Rumours that he did it naked with a rose ‘tween his teeth and my breakfast in his hands are totally true.

I’d insert a picture here but the images only exist in my head.

  • Drew McIntyre subjected Teddy Long to the most humiliating game of “How much do you love your job?” since Trish Stratus barked like a dog. Teddy was forced down on to his knees and then told to repeatedly tell Drew he was The Chosen One. He wasn’t allowed to get off his knees until Drew was finished……. MAKING A FOOL OF HIM. God! What did you THINK he had to do? This is the WWE, not a Scottish prison.

Kofi tried to stop the pride beating but security kept him at bay while Drew did the Thriller  dance in front of him.

Then Matt Hardy ran in from the crowd again and tried to attack Drew.

GO AWAAAAAY!

  • Kelly Kelly beat Layla in a pretty nice little Divas match, then Josh Matthews ruined my private game of “Name That Bicep” before I’d even had chance to assess the tan colour and the flex-bump angle.

It was Jack Swagger BTW.

  • Dolph Ziggler beat Chris Masters. Yeah. MASTERS! But the big story was that Vickie was finally allowed to wear a figure flattering dress. Bless her.
  • Jack Swagger and CM Punk tag-teamed against Rey Mysterio and Big Show, Mysterio pinning Swagger for the win. But most importantly, Matt Striker said that Punk was ‘Friday night’s Henry Rollins.’ That’s…..

… all in one sentence. I don’t know who to throw myself at first.

Kane came out, inflicted some GBH on everyone, spouted something about the PPV literally being fatal for whoever put the Undertaker in a coma, then he set the ring alight and pointed his body towards an empty coffin.

And that was Smackdown.

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