raw(lite): 37 fingers

Last week’s Raw ended in chaos that left the entire internet flipping out. First they flipped out over how incredible to NXT ambush was. Then a few days later they went even nuttier when Bryan Danielson was ejected from his post ‘Indie Boy Made Big’.

With things beginning to settle again, Raw needed to get back to normal. Although, starting with Wade Barrett in the ring was hardly burying the past.  Bret Hart had demanded that Wade return to Raw and apologise for his actions. Wade did not. In fact, he brought the rest of the rookies (minus Indie Boy Made Big) down to the ring and asked them all to apologise.

Lawler and Cole are outta there.

At this point I mused out loud how it seems odd that the WWE had even let them through the doors. Apart from Mr. Barrett, who has a contract, wouldn’t the other six be ejected by security before getting into the arena? They’re not exactly difficult to spot, sporting their over-tanned skin and tiny trunks. At this point, I was reminded that none of it was real. I stopped musing.

To cut a long story short, Wade asked each rookie individually to apologise for their appalling behaviour. They did not. Also, this segment just didn’t seem right without Matt Striker’s wide grin. I love you, Wade, but gameshow host material you ain’t.

This was followed by a rant from their contracted leader, who took issue with the fact that they were treated like scum while on NXT; left to change in corridors and broom cupboards, forced to humiliate themselves in pop-drinking contests for the amusement of pros and plebs alike etc. He’s got a point.

Wade Barrett cuts a cool promo, but Bret Hart had heard enough and went out to put an end to it. Wade mentioned the much missed Danielson…..

Yeah. He's TOTALLY coming back to the WWE.

Anyway, what Wade wanted was for all his buddies to have guaranteed WWE contracts, private dressing rooms and their first class travel paid for. Dude, that’s a little ambitious, doncha think? Bret Hart certainly thought so. Not only did he refuse their demands, but he also fired Barrett. Bret was so worked up he also referred to the WWE as WWF. Oh Bret! Only YOU could get away with that. Something tells me the NXT fellas won’t be throwing the towel in just yet.

Let’s move on to a match with R-Truth attempting to retain his US title against The Miz, John Morrison and Zack Ryder. Did R-Truth retain?

Props to Zack Ryder for finishing the match after slamming his head into the mat and picking up a nice little concussion. He certainly didn’t look too well.

Oh dear.

*Obligatory guest host Bella Twins segment

Courtesy of John Cena, Evan Bourne is now making his way out of jobbing hell. This week he humbled Chris Jericho. Jericho has been totally lost since coming to Raw. Everyone will suffer with timing issues even more when King HHH returns to his throne. PLEASE give Jericho a proper feud against Bourne while there’s still some airtime up for grabs.

It’s been a bizarre week for John Cena. First he gets attacked by eight angry men, then he gets stretchered out of the arena, then he signs an online petition to have one of his attackers reinstated, then he appears on the radio suggesting that the WWE Universe should request that Bryan gets his job back too. He was offered the opportunity to have a night off from Raw, but this is a PPV week and John doesn’t do self-pity (unless the script tells him to).

So, John came out and did one of his trademark speeches. You know the type. The kind where he assumes the persona of a South Western Sheriff from the early 1900’s. (Yes, I’m playing Red Dead Redemption now and yes I’m mildly obsessed). All those long drawn out vowels, all those messages of hope, all those good intentions to chase away the posses of varmints. I start every John Cena speech with the intention of rolling my eyes and scoffing. I generally end feeling empowered, impassioned and punching the air. Was this one any different?

It was not.

Cena kept talking but those blasted ransacking rookies were back for more. This time, there was back-up. Lead by Jerry Lawler, of all people, the locker room gradually spilt out into the arena and helped Sheriff Cena fight off the rookies. Ahhhh. So nice to see petty rivalries set aside to protect our hero. Sheamus brought weapons, Santino cobra’d Skip Sheffield, William Regal shouted a lot and Mark Henry …. well…. he got to the ring eventually. It warmed the cockles of my heart as the legion of pros chased the whippersnappers out of the arena.

Ladies aren’t allowed to fight with boys, so the Divas didn’t take part in the NXT fight-off. They did, however, have a match straight afterwards to give everyone time to recover. Maryse and Alicia Fox tagged against Eve and Gail Kim in a fairly uneventful match leaving the nice ladies the winners. The great news is that there will be two, yes TWO, Diva Fatal 4-Way matches at tonight’s PPV. Exciting times! If there is so much as one feather duster in sight, I may weep. [CORRECTION: There is no Smackdown Divas match. Never come to me for hard facts!]

William Regal and Santino had a filler match, which Santino won. But while they squabbled over the details after the bell had dinged, Bret Hart appeared and instructed them to join the rest of the roster at the top of the ramp. A preview of the Raw Fatal 4-Way match was about to take place and Bret wanted a barrage of brawn to be on hand, you know, should it all start kicking off again. Seems reasonable.

Hmm. Zack Ryder's concussion is worse than I thought. He's forgotten where the ring is.

Edge and Sheamus tagged against Cena and Orton in what turned out to be a pretty decent match. It was all pretty standard fare. Edge and Sheamus fought over who should be allowed in the ring at any one time, while BFFs John and Randy strained to touch each other’s hands throughout.

Reeeeeeach! You can make it, John.

I know what you’re thinking. Why show this match when we’ll be watching all over again at the PPV a few days later? But it’s all good. The match never actually finished. While the entire Raw roster watched from the ramp, those sneaky NXTers were in the car park getting up to mischief.

They trashed the backstage area and dragged our GM into a limo. Once inside said limo, Bret was driven around the car park in a haphazard fashion while Barrett & Co cheered and jeered. After this impromptu dodgem ride was over, Wade demanded that Bret change his mind about their contracts by Sunday.

Rule Britannia!

One thought on “raw(lite): 37 fingers

  1. Amazingball recap as usual, Ray. But please be swifter like Mark Henry, I mean the wind next time you post a recap! Otherwise all that hype won’t be as appealing anymore.

    Cena bashing is always good! NXT are my heroes. Poor Zack Ryder, bless him. He needs to play for a different team, if you get what I mean!

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