smackdown(lite): english muffins & the blond-tourage

As the result of last week’s Battle Royal, Rey Mysterio is now in the Fatal 4-Way match at next weekend’s PPV. Mr. Mysterio addressed the crowd but was soon interrupted by Jack Swagger. I can officially say that Jack Swagger is enormous. Rey Mysterio is taller  than I am, so…..

Swagger, in turn, was interrupted by CM Punk, who claimed to be an extraordinary man. Well, he is. But it sounded dickish when he said it himself. Rey Mysterio suggested that Punk take off his “silly little mask.” O hai, kettle. This is pot. Pot, this is kettle. Kettle, pot thinks you’re black. You should discuss it.

Punk is the kettle BTW

Of course, Mysterio’s mask is linked to his Mexican lineage, Punk just enjoys torturing and teasing me by hiding himself. This mini-scrap was interrupted further by the arrival of the happiest man on the planet, Big Show. After some more verbal back and forth, Kane decided he’d had enough. He was still on a mission to find the Undertaker’s attacker and was disturbed by the fact that nobody seemed to care. I have to question his own dedication to the cause though. I mean, for a man supposedly so distraught and consumed, it seems he had plenty of time to consider the interior decoration of his private dressing room…..

Pretty sure I've seen those candelabras in M&S

Colour coordinated drapes, soft mood lighting, matching candles on ornate candelabras, disco-smoke and an open coffin? Hmm. Someone’s been reading their Illustrated Guide to Gothic Interiors again. Either that or he’s been taking decorating advice from Kurt from Glee. Anyway, Jack Swagger and Rey Mysterio had an excellent match, which Mysterio won following the application of the 619. It was at this moment I realised I’m a bigger fan of Rey Mysterio than I should be. Damn you, CHIKARA, seducing me with your pacey Lucha Libre rules.

I shouldn't, but I do.

Swagger continued to kick Mysterio but soon stopped when Kane came out to chokeslam them both just for existing.

On to the ladies, which was Layla vs Tiffany. Of course, where Ms. Lay goes, Cool has to go too. And not just Michelle, but their new NXT rookie Kaval was also forced to hold their title belts while they commented on how ugly the Tampa crowd were.

I should point out that Mr. & Mrs. McCool were in the audience, so they were spared the jibes.

I get the feeling Terry was happier when his daughter was a teacher.

Incidentally, they seem like respectable members of the community. I wonder how it went down when their little girl brought one Undertaker home for ‘Meet the McCools’. “Hi Mom, hi Daddy. This is my new boyfriend and, like, he’s really cool. His name is Undertaker, first name Under, second name Taker. He’s in his 40s, has the body of a man in his 80s and, oh yeah, he’s dead. Isn’t he just dreamy, Mom?”

So Matt Striker’s Little English Muffin went up against the sweetest member of the Blond-tourage (Striker again) in a decent, if impossibly compact, match. Layla won, following a moment of distraction by Tiffany. The good news is that at least the Blond-tourage have finally mastered the art of sharing the same emotions after matches.


This was followed by another opportunity to see the final segment of Raw. I’ve spoken about that already. Just know that if you were worried about Matt Striker’s ribs, which he grasped at continually throughout NXT, I’m visiting his office in the Cardiff Wrestle Bunker at regular intervals to massage ointment into them and calm him down a little. He’s been a bit jumpy this week.

And that's his angry face AFTER I've calmed him down a bit.

Time for another match and Christian vs Dolph Ziggler, with Vickie Guerrero at ringside. I’ll discuss Vickie’s new look during the  next fashion post, which I hope to get out some time this week (energy willing). In the meantime, let’s concentrate on the match. It was good but fairly short, leaving Christian the winner but also the victim of another sneak attack from Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer. Once they’d finished, Dolph made it back to his feet and put his sleeper on Christian. Vickie was thrilled.

Matt Hardy and his cryptic YouTube videos are getting weirder by the day, and for a man supposedly suspended, I’m seeing a lot more of him on my television screen than I want to. He appeared as Drew McIntyre’s not so mystery opponent on Raw and Drew was furious, so he informed Teddy Long that he’d been on his hotline to Mr. McMahon and had arranged for Matt Hardy to be suspended from all WWE programming. Hurrah! Kofi Kingston, however, was listening backstage and felt he needed to intervene. Kofi suggested that he was a better man than Drew, then they had a bit of a scrap where Kofi came out on top. Backstage, Drew informed Teddy that he wanted a match against him next week and if he didn’t show up, Vinnie Mac was fully prepared to sack him.

Don't worry, Teddy. There's looooads of jobs out there at the moment. :S

The night ended with Big Show vs CM Punk, which consisted of Big Show slapping Punk’s chest and laughing a lot.  Show he tried to de-mask Punk, I got impossibly excited, then became deflated again when the SES got involved and put a stop to it. Then Kane came out and chokeslammed everyone again.


2 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): english muffins & the blond-tourage

    • Hi Abby. Thanks for reading and for commenting. We love comments. It’s always nice to hear that people are enjoying what we do. x

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