smackdown(lite): you can’t argue with mathematics

What a ke-razy week it’s been in the WWE, eh kids? On Raw, of all places, the WWE pulled off the gutsiest move they’ve come up with in a very long time. But that’s for the Raw recap. First, let’s jump in the Delorian and travel back to last Friday’s Smackdown where the awesomeness began.

Teddy Long was a first port of call and these appeared to be very serious times. It seems that the Undertaker had been found in a vegetative state by his brother Kane and things were looking more than a little bleak. So nothing to do with the fact that he’s smashed his face in again and can’t compete in the Fatal 4-Way? Anyway, as you can imagine, Kane was distraught that his partner in destruction had been comatosed by someone within the WWE and took it upon himself to share his pain.

Because being in a coma means you're dead. Right? What?

Don’t you just love wrestling? In which other profession could you rock up at work and exclaim that your brother is partially brain-dead, proceeded by a precession of hooded pall-bearers and a coffin? I can’t see it going down well in my office, but each to their own. Kane set off his pyro (because no tragedy can stop a bitchin’ fireworks display), he marched his scarlet body down to the ring and ordered the interns in hoodies to open the coffin. At this point I became quite worried. I’m not sure I have the stomach for looking at Taker in a coma or possibly dead. Someone hold me. Hold me tight!

It seems this ebonised place of rest had been purchased in preparation for Taker’s imminent death. It’s kind of cynical of Kane to assume his brother’s going to die. If a lifetime of chick-flicks has taught me anything, it’s that there is always hope of a happy ending where life support machines are concerned. Besides, isn’t the Undertaker supposed to be dead already? This went on for some time and Kane screamed at an increasing volume about how he would avenge the atrocity that was the clobbering of the Undertaker. Then he cried in front of an empty coffin.

You know when you’re going through a family tragedy you can’t imagine how the rest of the world is carrying on as normal?

As you know by now, I’m British. But I do know a little about American college sports. I don’t really get it, but I have some basic knowledge about how it all works. Like, I know it’s a brave man who steps out in front of an arena of Texans in an Oklahoma Sooners shirt. Jack Swagger is such a man and he went on to win a great match against MVP. Then Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer took it upon themselves to make sure MVP was well and truly beaten. What the hell is a Sooner anyway? Is it some kind of feathered creature?

With Taker about to bite the dust , thoughts turned to who might take his place in the Smackdown Fatal 4-Way match. Vickie Guerrero tried to persuade Teddy to allow her future conquest, Dolph Ziggler, to take the spot, helped along by heaving her zipped-up bosoms into his face. Teddy declined the offer and decided to have a Battle Royal to determine the fourth competitor. Yay! We’re big fans of Battle Royals in the Bunker.

Eyes up, Teddy.

Over in the Straight Edge Society’s dressing room, Punk was preparing for his match later in the night when Kane appeared to question him on his involvement with The Taker Tragedy. He puffed his cheeks out a bit but CM Punk has no issues with the Undertaker, so Kane spared him a beating.

The least he could have done was rip the mask off. Pfft.

Sidenote: I’m all for branding, but why is the SES locker room bathed in blue light? Gallows can’t possibly get his lipgloss right in such conditions.

Moving on to a title match, Drew McIntyre challenged Kofi Kingston for another bash at the Intercontinental Championship. All was moving all swimmingly and I found myself cooing again over how fantastic the Smackdown matches are when, uh-oh, what the hell is this?

Matt Hardy may be suspended from competition, but there’s nothing to stop him buying a ticket to the show and sitting in the audience. So, he sat with the plebs and cheered for Kofi while the busy shuffle of hotdog sellers edging their way towards Hardy was heard echoing around the arena. The action found itself outside of the ring, so Drew shoved a sneaky elbow in Hardy’s face. Nice! Matt was furious but, being a pleb from the audience, security had no option but to restrain him.

Not so great on our side of the barrier, is it?

Unfortunately for Drew, that sneaky elbow came back to haunt him. He was so busy mwahahaha-ing at Matt, he didn’t notice Kofi creeping up to apply the pin. And just for good measure, Matt jumped the barrier, thumped Drew and then bolted out of the arena with security bods in toe.  Shame he doesn’t apply such athleticism to his in-ring activities!

That’s enough of this petty bickering. Kane is in pieces! Does anyone even care? Rey Mysterio tried to offer his sympathies but Kane pushed him away and accused him of being involved in Taker’s battering. But that was nothing compared to what he had in store for Jack Swagger, who decided to serenade the crowd with the stupidest college fight song ever penned.

It was nice knowing you, Jack Swagger

Kelly-Kelly won a match against Rosa Mendes but not after being subjected to jibes from the increasingly fabulous LayCool. Seriously, even the Sidekick is warming to Michelle McCool. It shouldn’t be a surprise though. You can’t argue with mathematics.

LayCool planted themselves at the top of the ramp throughout the match.They weren’t quite so chuffed with the result though:

On to that Battle Royal to decide who gets to take Veg-Man’s spot at Fatal 4-Way. Competitors included Dolph Ziggler, Rey Mysterio, Christian, Kane, MVP….wait, Kane? Just 90 minutes earlier he had been bawling like a baby at an empty coffin. Now he’s competing to take his brother’s place in the PPV match? Hmm, me thinks I doth smell a festering rat, and it’s not the stench of desperation emanating from Matt Hardy’s Twitter account this week.

Regardless, whatever designs the Big Red Monster had on the title, they came to nothing when…..

Fine by me. I’d give the contents of my bank account for Rey to de-mask CM Punk during the PPV. Remember at the end of last week’s Smackdown recap where I quashed the rumours that I had been taken a crowbar to the Undertaker? Well……ummm……. it still wasn’t me. You believe me, right? Right?!?!?