raw(lite): and not a moment too soon, sweetheart!

First of all, huge thanks to Joey for recapping Raw last week. It was a huge help. My physician was most pleased that I had refrained from writing about the trash-fest that is Raw for a week. This week, however, I’m disobeying doctor’s orders and heading back to the Raw recap. This is for two reasons: 1) The appearance of Daniel Bryan/Bryan Danielson/Danyan Brialson. 2) The Evan Bourne push. Sorry doc, I just couldn’t stay away.

Raw was a little strange this week. As I started watching the show I actually rewound it to see if my Sky+ hadn’t recorded it properly. By the time Nickelback had finished doing their thing, Evan Bourne was being beaten up by Edge, Michael Cole was already shouting about god knows what and the crowd were booing. Had the haphazard technology that is Sky+ screwed up again? Apparently not. Before the show had even started, Edge marched himself down to the ring to address the crowd, but Jobber to the Stars – Evan Bourne – followed him down and demanded he be elevated to the big-time. Edge disagreed.

Evan fought back with a succession of kicks delivered from various positions (I love kicks!) but Edge ultimately left him crying. Then he shouted about how he’d do the same to all his Fatal 4-Way opponents, then Randy Orton came out and RKO’d him. Blah-blah-blah!

Ashton Kutcher was guest hosting the show and we found him discussing an apparent  Zack Ryder Twitter feud with Eve Torres. They were then joined by The Miz, who was placed in a match against Daniel Bryan. This whole segment was interspersed with long shots of the titantron from inside the arena. Did Raw have an arty director this week or something?

On to a proper match, R-Truth vs Chris Jericho. As Raw matches go, not bad at all. It was finally won by Truth who countered one of Jericho’s several attempts at placing him in the Walls of Jericho.  Jericho seemed disproportionately distraught at losing the match. Dude, you lost a filler match to a midcarder. No biggie. I promise.

Suicide: Always hilarious

Time for a mixed-tag with Eve & Santino vs Marys & William Regal. Koslov accompanied his pal to the ring for no reason whatsoever. Maryse was looking smokin’ hot in her spangly new red outfit. William Regal most certainly approved and felt it his duty to give her a crack:

Better luck next time, Regal. You old perv!

The match itself was a bit of a shambles, but I think the good guys won with accidental help from Koslov.

Unlike guest blogger Joey, I have no issue with Bret Hart being the GM of Raw. I’m just pleased it’s finally got someone to captain HMS Raw that isn’t some two-bit actor plugging his latest pile of puke movie. Someone from wrestling who knows how to pull off being the boss, if you will. This was Bret’s second official week in charge and as he announced that next week would be a three-hour ‘Fans’ Choice Week’ on Raw, Ted DiBiase and his Chief of Staff strolled down to the ring to offer hard cash to be next week’s GM. Ashton Kutcher announced that he wanted next week to be completely down to the viewers, Bret agreed, then Vince McMahon marched down to the ring as if his joint had been replaced with elastic. For whatever reason, Vince came out simply to wish Bret well in his role as the GM. Totally convincing. I mean, this is a trustworthy face, right?

Out in the arena hallways, Zack Ryder was getting jumpy over Ashton Kutcher’s declaration that he’d be taking him out of action. He approached Randy Orton, who was his usual grumpy self, but Alicia Fox pulled her beau away before they were both the victims of an RKO. The bad news for old sad-pants was that Edge was waiting for him in his private dressing room. He smashed Randy’s dodgy shoulder in the door and trotted off, leaving Orton in the hands of the medics.

Thighs!

Now, Reason One for looking forward to this week’s show – The Miz vs Daniel Bryan (on a “one night contract” – ahem). Michael Cole tripped into his heel character quicker than Jerry Lawler makes boob comments when faced with a woman, and the fight was on. Just a few minutes later, it was over. Want to guess who won?

Daniel Bryan may have won the match, but Miz was miffed and continued to beat him after the bell. Bryan was dragged to Michael Cole’s feet and instructed to apologise for his unseemly behaviour. So, want to guess whether he apologised or not?

Course he didn't. He threw Miz on top of Cole. Mind where you're grabbing there, Michael Cole.

Michael Cole went all litigation on our asses, then he tripped back into his face character quicker than Jerry Lawler makes arse comments when faced with a woman. This was followed by some newbies. Joey mentioned last week that The Hart Dynasty were ambushed by a bunch of hooligans. This week, they decided to formally introduce themselves.

In further proof that all you need to be in the WWE is to be minimum second generation, The Uso Brothers and Tamina made themselves known. Here begins the battle of My Ancestry is Better Than Yours. The Hart Dynasty begged to differ and did a little ambushing of their own. Unfortunately, the guys and gal in pink were left writhing in pain.

Thighs! - Ok, clearly William Regal isn't the only old perv around here today. This is what happens when I have a week off. I promise I'll be more lady-like before the Smackdown recap.

Ok, Bret Hart, you want suggestions from the fans? I want to see your kin take on these new kids in a PPV match, but I want Natalya to get lots of ring time. I’ll leave it with you. Make it happen!

He of the confused trunks and his lady-friend wanted to know who Ashton Kutcher had arranged to cause him some hurt. Ashton appeared on the screen and first suggested that Jerry Lawler wanted to smack Zack with a chair. Errrr, no! Then the Great Khali got a booking. Then Twitter’s newest addict, Goldust, made an appearance. But why, prey tell, would any of these bottom carders have beef with the Long Island Iced-Z? Well, they don’t. Ashton used his legendary prowess with the ladies to persuade Ms. Alicia Fox to lure her boyf into the ring and scissor-kick him in the head. Let that be a lesson to you, bro. Never trust a women wearing a leopard-print shorty jumpsuit.

Main event time! Edge & Sheamus were supposed to be tagging against John Cena & Randy Orton. With Orton’s shoulder all busted up, John had to choose a different babyface to take his place. And he chose?

The babiest of all the faces. Awww. Look how happy!

The match itself was improved significantly by Bourne’s presence. Randy Orton may be on PPV promo posters and all, but when you’re looking for some high-speed action, he just won’t do. Sometimes what’s called for are some flippy-dippy jumps and kicks!  The winner?

And not a moment soon, sweetheart!

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5 thoughts on “raw(lite): and not a moment too soon, sweetheart!

  1. I’m sorry i couldn’t take all that in i’m still reeling from the fact that Cena referred to Evan Bourne as a one man wrecking machine!!!!! Now while i know you love Evan Ray but even you can’t justify that comment without stifling a small chuckle surely. Glad your on the mend. x

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