guest post – raw(lite): if you can’t play nice…

[Hey, you lot. As you may or may not have noticed, Boss Lady Ray has been a bit poorly recently. As a result she has been put under strict doctor’s orders to avoid any unnecessary stress and exposure to terrible quality wrestling shows.  As you can imagine this causes somewhat of a problem when you write a Raw recap every week, selflessly putting yourself through the hell of The Bella Twins accompanying a Z-List celebrity botching their lines every show.

Now, I would have volunteered to take over this week’s Raw recap, but as recent guest host Meat Loaf almost said, “I would do anything for the blog… but I won’t do that.” Fortunately the Wrestlegasm readers are ridiculously awesome, and the lovely Joey has stepped up to perform this most odious of duties.  You may remember Joey from his recent guest-blog about a Raw House Show where he did a great job of describing the glee that a 19 year old wrestling fan feels when confronted by the sight of Cody Rhodes.

I’m really looking forward to reading any further recaps Joey might write in the future, and I strongly suggest you’re all very nice to him. He’s from Preston, just down the road from me… so as a demonstration of North West solidarity I will have to up the amount of Matt Hardy bashing in my recaps if you’re not as welcoming as possible…

Enjoy! – Sidekick Andrew]

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Hello! It’s me again. Do you remember me? I’m Wrestlegasm’s fictional annoying brother, always bugging Ray and Andrew and begging for a chance to post and LOOK! Ray gave in. Yey. I have made it no secret in the past that Raw is my favourite WWE programme but recently I’ve been a bit disillusioned. It’s like when you go on holiday as a kid to the same place for years and then you stop going for a while and you get all excited when you go back only to discover it’s actually pretty rubbish. We’ve all been there right? Mines Rhyl, in Wales… Enough about me anyway it’s all about Raw.

Raw this week came a day after the epic PPV that was Over The Limit and we opened with Batista who lost in an I Quit match against John Cena. Batista was being accompanied by two referees who aided him to the ring because Batista was in such a fragile state after taking an Attitude Adjustment through the stage. Batista, in typical fashion, took advantage and used the referees as human crutches.

Ooo nice thigh

I wouldn’t worry too much because as the ref got his own back when Batista was getting into the ring.

The refs then placed Batista into a wheelchair. Now, I don’t mean to be pedantic but wouldn’t it have been a bit bloody easier and quick to just wheel Dave down to the ring? I mean, really, Batista walked so slow he made Mae Young look like Usain Bolt. I get he’s “injured” and such but it would’ve been better. Dave then demanded his spotlight and said that John Cena threatened his life and that he’s going to sue John Cena, the fans and the WWE. Oh you Americans and your suing.

Sorry Dave

He also said that he could be out for “weeks, months or even years”. Um, what doctor are you seeing? Surely they’d be able to give you a better indication. He then said that whenever he comes back he deserves an immediate shot against John Cena. With that we got the announcement we’ve been waiting for “ladies and gentlemen please welcome the NEW General Manager for RAW…” who could it be? THE ROCK?! TRIPLE H?! OH MY GOD JUST TELL ME WHO IT’S GOING TO BE!

Ah man. Bret frickin’ Hart. I can’t stand Bret Hart. I think he’s had a great legacy and such but why is he coming back now? To make him United States Champion and now General Manager it’s just stupid. His mic skills are awful and well Vickie Guerrero was a much better choice. OK. I’ll stop my rant. Bret walked the quickest I’ve ever seen him walk and, to be fair, the fans went wild. They do love him, even if they can’t spell his name right…

Bret said that he was calling the shots now and Batista had to listen. He then went on to say that there will be a Fatal Fourway at, you guessed it, Fatal 4-Way PPV. He said that if Batista wanted a match he’d have to qualify for it. Tonight. Against Randy Orton. The crowd went crazy but I had an inkling that it wouldn’t happen considering Randy’s shoulder injury. Batista said that if he was made to do that he’d quit. Bret said it was the only way and if he refused to fight Orton would win by proxy. Batista still refused so Bret announced Orton as the winner. Batista was thrilled.

Don't cry, your bruise will smudge.

Batista followed through on his threat and quit. He was then escorted from the ring with the help of those lovely refs.  On his way out he told one of the fans to kiss his ass, it was muted out. Stupid PG.

Next up was a Fatal 4-Way qualifying match between Sheamus and Mark Henry. I have to admit, I’m not a Mark Henry fan but it was pretty good. Henry dominated like all the big guys do but Sheamus went after the shoulder Henry hurt last week at the hand of Batista. The match ended with Sheamus delivering a big boot that even surprised the referee.

That meant that it was to be Cena v Orton v Sheamus v somebody else. Who could it be?

It was then announced that Bret had to vacate the US Title so Miz would be facing R-Truth later in the night. Eurgh R-Truth. Yey Miz.

We were then given the great announcement that there would be a Jon Lovitz Superstar Search. A talent show. Shoot me now. Lovitz was backstage on the phone to “Mr.McMahon” where Maryse turned up.  Lovitz perved at her for a while and then offered her money for her service. Euck.

Eyes up Mr Lovestitz

Next up we were taken to Bret Hart’s office. It’s hideous.  It’s decorated like a brothel. Edge turned up demanding an immediate title match against Cena and Bret said no. He then said he wanted a qualification match against Cena. Bret was going to say yes but then the Canadian Invasion continued when Jericho turned up and said that he would succeed where Batista failed. I’m presuming that the Jiz tag team era is over already. Bret said that the two would have to face each other and Cena is a triple threat match.

That's right, Bret. Three people in a Triple Threat

If Cena wins, neither of them get anything but if either of them beat Cena they get the final 4-Way spot. Edge said he’d win because he’s a better Canadian. Which is kind of like bragging about being a better molester.  Sorry, Canadians. [BOSS LADY RAY’S EDIT: I love you, Canada. Never forget that!]

We were then treated to a Divas match. The Divas still have no storyline and the crowd had no interest in the match. It was Maryse & Alicia Fox vs Eve Torres & Gail Kim and Alicia Fox’s legs seemed to be out of control. She was running around like Bambi. The match ended, as always, pretty quickly with Maryse and Alicia winning. The whole thing was pointless. It only served one purpose.

*sigh*

Next up was the US Title match. R-Truth came out first giving his god awful entrance. I hate it so much… makes me so mad.  That’s what’s up. Anyway, Miz came out and gave an amazing speech. Miz’s mic skills are so good.

I wish I was that mic

The match was pretty good but I wouldn’t say it was title worthy. To be fair I was slightly distracted…

After many, many near falls R-Truth hit the Lie Detector and pinned Miz for the win. I’m not happy, at all.

We then whipped over to Josh Matthews whose guest at that time was John Cena. Cena was all smiles after winning his I Quit match and he talked about how he felt ‘good’ about it and that he and Batista finally had ‘closure’. I wasn’t sure if he had defeated him or broke up with him. He cracked a few jokes about Sheamus looking like Beaker from the Muppets and a jar of mayonnaise. Josh Matthews then reminded him that he had 3 men to face at Fatal 4-Way.

Cena said that he wasn’t scared and that he constantly had his back up to the wall. Cody Rhodes has to do the same when I’m around. Anyhoo, he said that he was going to ‘rain down a world of hurt’ on anyone who crosses him. Ooh.

Then we had the talent show. It was pointless and confusing. It began with Khali and Ranjin Singh doing a strange dance number to the Taco classic Putting On The Ritz. It was bizarre. Jillian then came out and was immediately buzzed.  She was surprised.

Jon then called out a member of the audience to show his talent and then the guy did a weird magic trick with his eye and “took it out”. It was gross.

Just ew.

Then Ted “I won’t live in the shadow of my father” DiBiase Jr came out with Virgil and offered said member money for his eye. He offered to buy his eye. Way to not be like your dad, Teddy. Then, for some reason, Santino came out and I went for a wee. I came back and this had happened…

Next up was a great waste of talent as Regal & Kozlov went up against The Hart Dynasty. It was an OK match but it just didn’t make sense. Anyway, it ended like this…


But then I discovered it did make sense because this happened…

Hart Dynasty were ambushed by someone unknown people in what was a pretty cool move. I say unknown, the three were actually Superstar offspring. Sarona Snuka, Jimmy Snuka’s daughter and Rikishi’s two sons Jimmy and Jules Uso. Welcome to RAW folks. I’m really liking the attention the WWE is giving to the Tag Team Titles.

Then the NXT rookies all turned up and bitched about each other. The general feeling was that they all wanted to get rid of Heath Slater. I don’t blame them. Jerry Lawler then turned the talk on to Bryan Danielson… or Daniel Bryan’s attack on Cole.  They then ran a VT of Cole being attacked and he was not impressed.

Cole said that he was trying to carry on professionally but he will be suing Bryan if he doesn’t publically apologise for what he did on NXT. I haven’t see NXT so I shall await Andrew’s recap to find out if he does.

We were then taken backstage as Edge was preparing for his match. See, Edge has a real black eye. Compare it to Batista’s. Go on. See? The make-up team have lots to learn. Anybruise, Jericho turned up and said he’d get to Cena first. Edge said he would.

If you can't play nice.....

Well there’s only one way to find out… FIIIIIIGHT!

Cena got pretty beaten up all through the match but, in Cena fashion he powered back and threw both Edge and Jericho out of the ring. Edge and Jericho then teamed up for a while but Cena went into super power mode and fought back. Edge was slung out of the ring and Jericho and Cena squared off for quite a while. Jericho tried to lock in the walls but Edge jumped in and gave him some weird spear-like move that wasn’t quite a spear but looked a lot like it into the turnbuckle. Cena then locked in the STF on Edge but Jericho recovered and locked the Walls on Cena at the same time. It was pretty epic. Edge then gained the upperhand but it didn’t last long and he was down again. Edge spent the match like I spend many weekends… flat on my back failing to enter a ring. Cena got powered up but Edge came back in and got Cena. Cena was then hit with the codebreaker by Jericho and then Edge speared Jericho and pinned for the win. The result was that it was to be Orton v Sheamus V Cena V Edge at Fatal 4-Way. All four men then made it down the ramp to stare at each other. Sexy.

Next week Ashton Kutcher is GM so it’s bound to be lame. Oh well.


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One thought on “guest post – raw(lite): if you can’t play nice…

  1. As Miz would say…
    AAAWWWWEEEESSSSOOOMMMEEE!!

    I’ve got to say it’s really enjoyable reading recaps from you guys cause of your commentary, and I’m pleased to say that I have this site bookmarked. 🙂

    Miz def has a droolworthy backside.

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