raw(lite): the canadian edition

It’s PPV week, folks, which means express recap week. For next week we’ve got lots of lovely things planned for you. In the meantime, let’s see scan through what happened on this week’s Raw.

I have this theory that Canadian wrestlers sound a little bit more Canadian when the shows are on Canuck soil. Never was this more true than when Bret Hart and Chris Jericho pulled off a pretty nice promo at the beginning of this week’s show.  They argued over who the better Canadian was and the hyped-up Toronto crowd were in no doubt that their hearts belonged to The Hitman.

To keep the Canadian theme going, Edge and Christian randomly had a match. Unsurprisingly, it was fantastic and being a completely commercial-free show it lasted some twelve minutes. Edge made the pin.

But in further mixed-roster action, Randy Orton decided that Edge would have to fight another match immediately after the first had ended.

Edge had himself deliberately counted out, then smirked at his genius plan to stay untouched. Christian chucked him back in the ring and Taker chokeslammed him thought the mat. An easy night’s work for the Undertaker. Hardly worth digging out his passport really.

I don’t feel like I’ve seen enough Canadians yet. What can you offer me in the French variety?

Perfect. Thanks.

Then this happened.

Followed by Vickie Guerrero being escorted out of the building by The Bellas at Buzz Aldrin’s request. It was strange.

Batista beat Mark Henry up with a wooden plank, called for his spotlight, then left again.

In a further attempt to be his own man and not live in his father’s shadow (ahem), Ted DiBiase hired his dad’s former bodyguard (Virgil) to accompany him to the ring. Looks like he found someone to hold his knob after all.

Ted won and announced that the only person not too embarrassed to be the new Virgil was the original Virgil. There’s really no room for embarrassment when you’re behind on your mortgage though, is there?

Bret Hart fought The Miz for the US title. Miz figured The Hart Dynasty kids were waiting to pounce, so he had Vladimir Koslov and William Regal come out to step in if necessary. Smith & Kidd pounced before Miz’s sidekicks could reach the bottom of the ramp, then Jericho ran into the ring. Natalaya appeared and slapped both Jericho and Miz round the chops, then Miz put Bret in the SharpShooter. The kids ran back in to help, then Bret took the title by putting Miz in his own SharpShooter. It was a mental few minutes.

Seriously, a few months ago could you have believed you’d be seeing this? Wrestling is nuts. Bret doesn’t really need a title run, so what he should do now is give Miz his rematch and let someone else wrestle in place of himself. Someone who might have some beef with The Miz maybe. Someone who just lost his job. No, not Carlito. You know who I mean, 😉 Please?

A full two-hour show means there’s time for a proper Divas match, right?

But it did last longer than an average Raw Divas match, so we’ll thank heaven for small mercies.

Being PPV week, it doesn’t just mean express recap week; it also means John Cena has to have an interview with Josh Matthews and spout a whole load of extra-long vowels and sharp consonants along the lines of…..

“So for aaaall those who still belieeeeeve, and as suuuure as I haaaave a plaaaan,  I haaaave a promise. I WILL NOT QUIT! I WILL NOT QUIT! ……..

We’re still mixing brands, so Randy Orton had a match against Jack Swagger. It was alright. Edge interfered and speared Randy while he was setting himself up to finish Swagger off. Then the match was called off. Meh.

Zack Ryder and his new young lady, Alicia Fox, dared to deny the moon-landing in the company of Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz responded to this by unleashing Evan Bourne and his new young lady, “Toronto’s own Gail Kim.” Phew! We almost had to go a whole match without a Canadian on the screen! I do so love a mixed tag match though and it turned out to be one of the more enjoyable matches of the night. Gail pinned Alicia to take the win for Team Nice and Evan was mega-proud of his girl. Look!

With HHH still out of the picture Sheamus doesn’t have much to do, so he jobbed to John Cena while Batista came out to prove his might and shout a lot. John just pulled faces.

Expect more expert facial contortion at Over the Limit tonight.

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