smackdown(lite): WHO’S THAT GUY?!?!?!

Last week’s Smackdown began with the Intercontinental Championship match where Kofi Kingston and Christian battled it out to be top dog. This is weird, right? You’d think they’d keep it for later in the show. Not so. Such is the genius of Smackdown. If you thought their qualifying matches were good the previous week, it was nothing compared to what they pulled out against each other in the final match.  Seriously, I’d have paid PPV money to watch it. So, who was victorious?

A worthy belt holder if ever I saw one. But just seconds after I took this screencap, Drew McIntyre’s music hit and at least one of my predictions from last week came true. Admittedly, my prediction that Cody and Dolph would face-off to be number one contender against Kofi or Christian at Over the Limit was way off. But I did say that the Chairman of the Board would have something stern to say about Drew McIntyre’s sacking. 1-0 to moi!

Yes, Drew strutted out to the ring, shoved a white envelope into Teddy Long’s face and basked in the glow of his honeymoony tan while Teddy seemed to shrink under the crushing weight of the words on the page. Something told me this wouldn’t end well for Kofi…… and it didn’t. Whatever it said in that very important letter, it forced the GM to strip the belt from Kofi’s still sweaty shoulder.

PS—-> I’m not mentioning Drew’s white suit for a reason. Fashion post coming soon!

My mentor in life, Matt Striker, is never one to miss an opportunity for grabbing the limelight, so he snatched Mr. McMahon’s letter from the ring and read it out loud. I should point out that he does this during our Saturday staff meetings with the bunker utility bills. Usually in the style of a Shakespearian actor.

We humour him. It makes him feel cultured.

Anyway, back in the realms of semi-reality, the letter demanded that Drew McIntyre not only be given his job back, but also the IC title. Sad times for Kofi Kingston.

In a loading bay somewhere, Jack Swagger was barking orders at WWE crew members who were unloading mystery boxes from a truck. We weren’t allowed to know what was in said mystery boxes, but they were supposed to be especially heavy.

On to another match and Shad Gaspard vs Jesse Guyver.

I can’t really tell you anything about this match. I had been waiting to get in the bathroom to pee for like an hour and I heard the bathroom door opening. My bladder > Shad Squash Match. Sorry.

I can, however, tell you something about Shad’s former partner’s match. JTG and MVP were up against The Dude Busters. It was great. Enough? You want more? OK, Dude Busters are one of the most exciting tag teams to show up in some time. Coupled with JTG and MVP they pulled off a fantastic match. But the highlight was the commentary, which was ridiculous at times but thoroughly entertaining. Please don’t separate Striker and Grisham. Ever!

On to our World Heavyweight Champion and his boxes of mystery items. It turns out they were just full of trophies.

Are push-ups in front of one's trophies supposed to symbolise something? Apart from dickery, obvs.

At first, I wondered if they might be real. But then Sidekick Andrew pointed out that several of them had ‘Jack Swagger’ written on them and that isn’t his real name. D’oh! And if I still had any doubts at all, the ballroom dancing trophy sealed the kayfabe deal. Jack Swagger is not a man who looks like he can execute a quickstep with the finesse it requires. By the way, grown men who refer to their dad as ‘daddy’ creep me out. Don’t do it. Unless you’re being ironic.

This self-praise went on for some time before Big Show decided he had to put it to an end with the help of a baseball bat.

Swagger didn’t take too kindly to the destruction of the plastic towers representing his ego.

I can’t believe I’m excited to watch a PPV match between Big Show and Jack Swagger. Bravo, WWE. Bra-vo!

You know how thrilled I was when Beth Phoenix finally got her hands on the Women’s Championship, well I was equally as bummed out when I heard that she’d be out for six months while her torn ACL is repaired. Normally, when a wrestler picks up such a serious injury, they’re whisked away immediately and not seen again for some time. But not our hometown heroine Beth Phoenix. She’s a trooper! She came out to start her match with Rosa Mendes, but Vickie Guerrero dismissed Rosa and sent the LayCool girls out for title match instead.

Considering how painful a torn ACL is, it is astounding that Beth was even standing, let alone wrestling and LET ALONE doing this…….

I bow to your greatness, madam.

Of course, this match was to allow Ms. Phoenix a way out, so the title had to drop. Thankfully, it didn’t fall back into the hands of Michelle McCool. It dropped neatly into palms of my compatriot, Layla.

Ok, I know she isn’t the best wrestler in the world, but she’s certainly one of the most improved and a fantastic comedy character. And would you really want Michelle McCool to be your snoozefest champ again? Course not. Also, the two of them are bound to fall out with each other over the next few months, which can only spice the storylines up a tad. Also, the fact that there’s another Brit with a title makes me pretty happy.

Following a Kane vs Chavo match where Kane well and truly demolished one of Smackdown’s newest acquisitions, we were on to Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk. I know what you’re thinking; why are we seeing this match two weeks before we have to pay for it? I thought that too. As you might expect, it was a great match, but the whole thing was a vehicle to properly introduce the Straight Edge Society’s newest member. Kind of.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that patience isn’t one of my special skills; even when I know that waiting it out is in my best interest. I audibly shouted at the screen that the mystery member’s hood should be pulled down immediately. Sadly, it wasn’t and I was left sighing at the fact that I’d have to wait another week to possibly find out who it is. Just tell me….. WHO’S THAT GUY?!?!?! (If you know. Sssshhh. No spoilers. Thanks.)


4 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): WHO’S THAT GUY?!?!?!

  1. everytime they mention mcyntire as “the chosen one” i cant help but think of “the chosen one” from that Kung Pow movie, you know, the dude with a face on his tounge XD

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