raw(lite): a promenade up the ramp

I’m always very hard on Raw. This is largely because I refuse to give in to the view that it’s Raw, ergo, it will be a load of rubbish. This week I was determined to be kinder, even though that awful, strange creature Flavor Flav was guest hosting. But that pledge was quickly retracted. Within the first ten minutes, in fact. Before Randy Orton could even finish his opening in-ring promo, Meatloaf had run out to plug his new album. He claimed he had a new theme tune for Randy to walk the down ramp to. He sang a few numbers from the album like one of the joke contestants on the X-Factor and I slowly lost the will to live. Seriously? Meatloaf? For no other reason than he had an album about to come out?

Make it stop, Randy. Please.

Make it stop, Randy. PLEEEEASE!

As you can probably ascertain from the body language, this random moment of madness was followed by an RKO and then swiftly followed by Edge’s arrival.  He had a very important announcement to make and one that I had been anticipating for some time. Raw was to have its own regular General Manager, and not a moment too soon. The captain on this unsteady ship called Raw was to be…….

Vickie went on to punish Randy Orton for repeatedly abusing celebrities by putting him in a handicap match against Edge and a partner of Edge’s choice. Nothing like calling in a favour from the ex-wife to further one’s career, eh? Just like the old days.

On to the first match of the night with Chris Jericho vs D.H. Smith. If Jericho won, he’d earn himself and The Miz (now unofficially known as Team Jiz) a tag titles shot at Over the Limit. Jericho took it with a Codebreaker after crawling his way out of a particularly unconvincing SharpShooter. His partner was very happy.

He loves being in Jiz. Look how smiley he is.

Backstage we spied on Edge chatting away to what appeared to be some kind of cat-burglar type person. But when I realised he wasn’t wearing any trousers it became clear that it was just Batista. This had no relevance to the story.

I suppose it’s about time we met our guest host, and who else should he come out with other than R-Truth.  They did a whole hip-hop thing which made my ears cry. I hoped it would end as quickly as possible.  R-Truth started his match with William Regal, then Carlito and Primo (now proper heely) ran out to interfere with the match. But this interference wasn’t merely to look dastardly. It was about cold hard cash. As they exited the ramp, Ted DiBiase handed them both a nice little reward and a handshake.

Yah! Sure you do.

Following a bizarre bit where Maryse took it upon herself to have some Jiu Jitsu lessons, we were on to our next match – Zack Ryder vs Evan Bourne. Zack was still trying to woo Gail Kim and/or Alicia Fox. He’s not fussy which. At first, the ladies were impressed.

But it all started going pear-shaped when Alicia tried to help Zack by pulling Evan down from the turnbuckle. She was unsuccessful, as Gail yanked her down the apron before she could have any impact. Evan went on to win the match with an AirBourne, but the girls were left sniping at each other.

Evan figured that since Gail had helped him out, he was probably on something of a promise. Being the gentleman that he is, he offered her his arm while they promenaded up the ramp.

Not being quite such a civilised gentleman, Zack Ryder just shouted a lot.

John Cena still had to announce what kind of match he was having against Batista at Over the Limit. After stringing it out for a few minutes and saying many inspiring things in his fake Southern accent, John announced that he’d be having an ‘I Quit’ match against Dave. This is exciting. John’s last ‘I Quit’ match was against Randy Orton last year and was possibly one of the most homoerotic things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. With Dave on board for this one, it might just beat that match to the top spot.

Anyway, John called his favourite “human jar of mayonnaise” (Sheamus) out. Then everyone’s favourite human dollop of peppercorn sauce (Batista) ran out. Then the biggest human jar of Nutella-Dark (Mark Henry) followed to help John get back on his feet.

Next up we had The Miz against Tyson Kidd. If Miz lost he’d have to defend his US title against a member of the Hart family. Of course, Miz lost. At first I had this glimmer of hope that he’d choose to face Natalya. But that wouldn’t be allowed. He is allowed to fight a man old enough to be his dad and who’s had a stroke though. Totally fair. Chances of Bret Hart losing in front of a Canadian crowd? ZERO! Chances of a certain jobless rookie playing a part? About 80%.

Speaking of which, when this episode of Raw aired, all eight NXT rookies were still “employed”, so they were put in a match against John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust and Santino Marella. Considering there were twelve men available to fight, it certainly didn’t last long. The rookies won when Daniel Bryan rolled Santino into a pin. Oh how quickly those screams of excitement at Daniel Bryan’s first WWE win would change to melancholy.

....finish the line yourself and I'll love you forever.

This next segment speaks for its beautiful self:

Batista sat on a chair in the middle of the ring, then he beat Mark Henry up. Kind of meh.

Our main event was Randy Orton vs Edge and Ted DiBiase. There was a time when I would have totally marked out over Ted doing this.

Now it doesn’t quite have the same impact; mainly because Ted’s kind of a racist dick these days and Randy’s a fan favourite. This makes him significantly less interesting. Still, it happened and Randy went on to win the match in front of a rapturous crowd with an RKO on Teddy, helped along by the distracting appearance of R-Truth on the ramp.

Earlier in the show, Edge had promised Vickie that if she watched from ringside, no harm would come to her. What neither of them had banked on was Edge being out for the count and unable to defend her honour when Randy stepped up in her face. So frightened was the new GM that she resigned from her post just two hours after accepting it.

You build up my hopes, then dash them away, WWE. Actually, I’ve seen Smackdown, so maybe that holler of resignation wasn’t as genuine as it first appeared. YAY!


4 thoughts on “raw(lite): a promenade up the ramp

    • The promise was my eternal love, but you were beaten to the punch by a member of wrestlegasm staff on Twitter I’m afraid. Soz. You’ve got excellent taste in music though. 🙂

  1. oww… and here i was about to complete the quote

    oh wells, there’s plenty of chances to get to have a nice reply from one of mah fave wrestling writers (you)


    i want to thank the steel ladder for bringing your site to my life

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