cool britannia week: part four

….. otherwise know as raw(lite): four davids and a funeral

This week’s Raw came from the glorious setting of the O² Arena in London. You know what that means, right? British stage set time! I was quite impressed that it was a little understated this time around. The enormous flag and double-decker bus remained, but this time the phone-box was replaced with a Mini-Cooper, complete with a Union Jack painted on the roof. What could be more British? Should we tell the Americans that the Mini is owned by the Germans now? Best not.

This may have been a very British show, but it had a very American guest host. David Hasselhoff was in charge and he throughly enjoyed himself. We are quite fond of The Hoff in the UK. Not only because he kind of lives here now, but also because we like people who are able to poke fun at themselves. The Hoff is most definitely in on the joke that is himself.

Despite the nausea inducing promise of Baywatch inspired Divas match later on in the show, the first match of the night was Maryse vs Eve for the Divas Championship. As is the norm on Raw, it was painfully short, but it ended with Eve pulling off a brilliant bridge pin, finally swiping the title from Maryse.

Clever.

It’s about time Eve got some recognition for being one of the few proper athletes in the company. Hoorah!

So, the ladies vacated the ring and were followed by ShowMiz.They started bleating about how they’re the greatest tag team that ever was.  A bold claim indeed, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t just be the London crowd who disagreed.

Bret begged to differ and ran through several tag teams who he believed were higher up the pecking order. Being the big-mouth he is, Miz refused just to roll over and take it, so he went on to suggest that he would quite happily smack The British Bulldogs in their stupid faces if he’d had the chance. All of this was done in the phoniest English accent I’ve heard in some time. It was worse than Matt Striker’s when referring to Layla. Even Dick Van Dyke would be ashamed. Miz’s awful accent was punished with an appearance from the Hart Dynasty. Many options were put out on the table regarding how they might solve this disagreement and much discussion took place…….

…. but it was eventually agreed that Miz and DH Smith would have a match that night. If Mr. Smith won, the Hart Dynasty would get a tag titles match at Extreme Rules. If Miz won, Bret Hart would have to come out and declare ShowMiz the greatest tag team of all time the following week. And all that was before the match even started.

Unfortunately, despite a solid match and a sincere hope from myself that the Hart Dynasty would get a PPV match, Miz pinned David for the win. It seems having such chunky thighs means you can’t move out of the way too quickly.

Well, for me anyway.

I wasn’t well enough to recap last week’s Raw, so I wasn’t able to tell you anything about David Otunga’s guest host spot. I’ll just say MEH and be done with it. This week, it appeared that Otunga and his fellow David (Batista) were the best of pals. Batista was back in his favourite Ralph Lauren tank top and seemed to have acquired a pair of RayBan Wayfarers. A little ‘summer 2009’ but whatever. This apparent buddydom soon turned sour though. Batista suggested that Otunga get him a cup of coffee. LIKE A BITCH!!! Ok, he didn’t say ‘like a bitch’ but it was implied with an icy stare.

On his way to grab the java, Otunga ran into The Hoff, who was flanked by The Bellas. After some banter between the two where, again, initial congeniality was mistaken for friendship, The Hoff set Otunga up with a match against John Cena. He even asked KITT to confirm how long it might take for John Cena to win.

Next we had Evan Bourne vs Carlito, which was solid and pleasing because Evan Bourne actually got to win a match. I read some rumours earlier that WWE are thinking of bringing the Cruiserweight Belt back soon. It would certainly jazz up some of these mid-card matches, but they’re probably just rumours. I’ll take them with a pinch of salt.

John Cena against David Otunga was up next and, as that clever black car from the 1980’s had suggested, John made very light work of the rookie. Batista was furious that John was showing off his prowess so successfully, so he ran out with the intention of  bringing Cena down a peg or two. Turns out he just wanted to take his clothes off and get his weekly quota of bare chest in before the show ended.

After flexing about a bit, Dave just turned around and left. LIKE A BITCH!!!

You may have heard that HHH has a minor neck injury, so he’s sitting these few weeks out to be ready for his match against Sheamus at Extreme Rules. No Game action to mention this week. Sheamus, however, was given a few minutes to talk himself up without interruption. Of course, he hadn’t anticipated that The Hoff would send Kofi Kingston out to do some damage in Triple H’s place. They had a match. It was alright. Kofi won by DQ when Sheamus punched him in the stomach with a TV monitor.

Randy Orton had a match against Batista later that night and Josh interviewed him about what we could expect from the match. It was a standard answer from Orton, but my main concern was why Josh felt the need to use so much bronzer while on British soil. We’re all painfully pale. Just blend in with the locals, Josh.

Speaking of over-tanning, this was followed by the inevitable  Divas Baywatch Babe match, with David Hasselhoff watching from his lifeguard station and Santino as guest referee. I won’t insult your intelligence by telling you all about it. The picture covers everything.

Batista and Orton had their match, which was decent, if a little lumbering. Randy was about to tie up the loose ends when Jack Swagger ran out to attack Randy. The match was deemed over and as Swagger triumphantly left the arena, Cena whacked him from behind and made an attempt at suffocating Dave. Not even a bevy of refs could prise them apart.

Once John was satisfied that Dave was dead, he counted him out for ten.

Tomorrow’s Raw is guest hosted by the cast of the new MacGruber movie. Thanks to airspace over most of Europe being closed due to the Icelandic volcano eruption and a large number of the Raw roster being stranded in Belfast, next week’s Raw could be the longest movie trailer ever seen on television. Triple H better get over this neck injury. QUICKLY!

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2 thoughts on “cool britannia week: part four

  1. I was a bit miffed that the diva’s title match was literally about a minute long, where the baywatch whatever-the-hell-that-was got a good 4-5.

    I don’t understand why they even have the Diva’s belt. They should just have the Women’s championship and have the champion defend on both shows. That would allow for more competition and maybe people would start to care more about the women’s division as a whole.

    It would at lest allow Raw to have a silly gimmick match every week while Smackdown would have the serious women’s matches.

    It just aggravates me that so little time and effort is being used with the girls.

    • I agree wholeheartedly! Especially when you have the select few “athletically inclined” females, missing out on airtime because it’s time for Kelly Kelly and the Bellas to dance around in bikinis. Whilst they look fabulous doing so, I would much rather watch Beth Phoenix and others actually wrestle.
      Fingers and toes crossed for a return of the Cruiserweight belt.

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