So we’ve come full circle. One of the very first posts on this website was a review of Wrestlemania 25, during which I ate wrestling themed cupcakes and faffed about while my cats demanded attention during the Money in the Bank match. This year wasn’t much different. So how does one boil four hours of wrestling down to a blog post long enough to cover everything but not so long that people need a slap round the face to wake up half way through? Ummm, you don’t.
If you follow my Twitter account you may have noticed me grumbling about not feeling very well for a few weeks. I’ve needed a spot of R&R the past few days to try and clear a long-running ear condition which is blighting me and get healthy again. I left Sidekick Andrew in charge for a few days and he found it such a stressful job he announced on Thursday that he needed a holiday to recover. It’s tough at the top, eh? But I’m a kind boss so I let him see the light of day for the Easter weekend. Boss-Lady Ray’s back in charge. Not 100% healthy, but healthy enough to have a look back at that miniscule event called Wrestlemania 26. Oh and because everyone knows what happened, this Wrestlemania recap will take the form of………
I would like to point out that this is in no way the result of my Wrestlemania predictions being the most inaccurate they have ever been. Here’s a tip: Never predict wrestling with your heart and never listen to what baked goods tell you. Cakes are filthy liars!
Before we get to the actual wrestlers, first a shout-out to our commentary team. Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and lovely Matt Striker all looked especially smart in their tuxedos. Striker was so enamoured with his own image that even when important discussion was taking place, he still flashed a smile to the camera.
I’ll mark Michael Cole down for wearing one of those hideous cowboy ties. It’s not a tie, Michael Cole, it’s string.
ShowMiz vs R-Truth and John Morrison was up first, but they had no major fashion offerings. When you’re the first match on, the least compelling and the part of the show nobody will remember by the end, it’s best to just know your place and blend into the background. ShowMiz retained their titles, which is one of the few predictions I actually got right.
From here we moved on to the Triple Threat between Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. Ted came out first and there was nothing wrong with the trunks themselves. The pose was a little camp, but we’ll let it slide.
Ted’s voguing, however, was nothing compared to what came next:
No, he’s not naked. He’s just wearing some very tight terracotta granny knickers. And check out those white boots! Get this boy a job in the chorus of Mamma Mia! After that I needed something to cleanse my eyes of this image. Send someone else out to avert my gaze from the morbid car-crash that is Cody’s crotch.
This finely dressed gentleman pinned Teddy to take the win. This begins the destruction of my predictions and the beginning of the end of Legacy.
Now to the Money in the Bank ladder match where ten, yes ten, guys made their way to the ring to grab at that very special briefcase. Some said there were too many competitors to give everyone fair crack. There were. But if you look at it from a fashion point of view, there were more opportunities to point and laugh at the ten competitors’ new outfits.
Shelton Benjamin just wore some of his old, golden trunks and a pair of sport socks:
MVP, Evan Bourne and Matt Hardy all shilled their t-shirts. Christian wore his t-shirt too but, being such a pro, he had spent the morning glue-gunning frosted beads to himself.
Maybe MVP would like to consider that for next year. The other guys made more of an effort though. Jack Swagger went ultra patriotic:
Drew McIntyre too went his usual patriotic route, but this time he came out in white pants. It was almost enough to force me to bring Crotch Watch back:
Dolph Ziggler ditched the snow leopard for an all-black ensemble:
And Kofi Kingston bounced out resembling….. resembling……ummmm…..
Ah, got it:
Seriously Kofi. That’s just wrong.
Kane may possibly have been wearing new tights but as I can’t remember the last time I paid attention to Kane’s tights, so who’s to know?
Shockingly, none of the people I thought might win actually unhooked the briefcase from the suspension rope above the ring. In fact, I thought the winner’s chances were so tiny, I didn’t even make him a cupcake to ponder whether he might win or not. Who was it? JACK SWAGGER! YEAH! I KNOW!
Next we had Sheamus vs Triple H. In clothing terms, there was very little fabric to mull over. At least the outcome gave my ailing predictions a nice boost. NEVER bet against HHH.
From there we went to the match I was looking forward to most – CM Punk vs Rey Mysterio. I was disappointed in the result. Rey won and the match was way too short, but what we got was fantastic. It just ended a little too swiftly. Clothing-wise though, it was a mixture of greatness and WTF?
CM Punk became a soldier for Straight Edge in his G.I. Punk trunks…..
….while his miserable sidekicks came out in outfits resembling usual attire for Neo-Nazis. Ah yes. There’s nothing like a spot of ethnic cleansing to get a party jumping. If they spot you sneaking a bottle of Stella, you’re eliminated.
Rey Mysterio, meanwhile, decided to attach a large ponytail to the back of his mask. Apparently this was reminiscent of the Avatar movie. Being the only person in the Western world not to have seen Avatar, I didn’t make the connection. It actually looked worse than when I used to wear a fake ponytail as a blonde.
Jericho vs Edge was one of the more solid matches of the night, but Jericho winning really threw a spanner into my prediction works. Come the following Friday, it all made sense, but at the time I was losing the will to ever predict a pre-determined sporting event using cake again! There wasn’t much to shout about clothing wise, even though Jericho went to the trouble of getting some new trunks, so I’ll move on.
By the time the Divas match rolled around, I had all but given up on my predictions. Even the outcome of the Divas match, which was added to the card just days before the show, was incorrectly predicted. Of course, the ladies looked extra sparkly for the prom. Even Vickie Guerrero, who led the bad gals to victory, had a very special outfit made.
Batista was in his standard PVC knickers, but wearing the title belt really blinged-up his groin. John Cena, who didn’t divert at all from his usual jeans, summoned up the help of some scary looking riflemen.
Anyway, you know those great promos we all got wrapped up in before Wrestlemania? In the hype we managed to forget that neither Cena nor Batista are the best wrestlers on the planet, so they kind of botched and bumbled their way through the match.
Shut up, Dave. You know I’m right. AND you lost the bloody match. Stupid muscle daddy.
Apart from the Undertaker’s touching tribute to his girlfriend…..
….this really was all about the wrestling. Were Taker and Shawn Michaels as good as their performance at Wrestlemania 25? Probably not. But then, last year we weren’t comparing it to anything. It was truly special and Shawn Michaels’ tearful defeat started a whole week of nostalgia and eye wiping.
All-in-all, it was a great show. Sure, they tried to squeeze too much into the four hours and some of the matches suffered as a result, but it’s Wrestlemania and everyone wants their moment. The fun and games for the next year of wrestling goodness kicked off the next night on Raw, and that’s where I shall take you next.