So, apparently there’s some wrestling show on tonight, and so here at The Bunker we’ve decided to share with you our predictions for the results of the matches. Ray had the wisdom of the Druids to call on for her divination, utilising the ancient Welsh tradition of prediction by “Picau”, whereas I had to rely on a bunch of work colleagues. I work in a reasonably small office, with people who haven’t the slightest interest in wrestling, so I logically decided it would be a great idea to ask them. What’s the worst that could happen if you asked a small group of disinterested programmers & designers and a small group of (slightly terrifying) Northern women working in administration to predict wrestling matches based purely on aesthetics? Let’s find out through the medium of infographics and waffling.
A couple of details before we start though. I asked 6 people (well, I asked more but 6 replied – thanks for nothing Colin!), 3 male (programmers/designers) and 3 female (administration). Not everyone gave a result for every match though, so Money in the Bank and the Undertaker/HBK only have 5 votes cast. Also, the Divas match hadn’t been announced officially when I asked for predictions, so that hasn’t been included.
Surprisingly MVP came out on top here, with 3 votes. Kofi and Kane both managed one vote each, with one person neglecting to answer this one. The reason for MVP winning is apparently because “he’s more colourful than the rest” which is hopefully a reference to his ring gear, and not thinly-veiled racism on the part of my workmates. No reason was given for Kofi, other than “the winner is … the guy with the silly green Alice band in his hair.”
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Either Christian or Drew McIntyre. Christian seems the obvious choice, but I’m still leaning slightly towards McIntyre. I can see him being allowed to take the fall as the first guy to cash in and lose Money in the Bank, but then being given a rematch by Mr McMahon – it seems to fit his character nicely. Plus, they have mentioned the idea of somebody cashing in actually at Wrestlemania at least twice this week – so he could cash in and lose, making the champion look even stronger, but not losing his momentum as the Chosen One.
Five votes for Punk, only one for Mysterio. Poor Rey, after having his ma-cheese-mo insulted on his daughter’s birthday, now my work colleagues don’t want him to get revenge. Reasons given for Punk to win include:
1. “Cos I fancy him”
2. “The other one looks stupid in his mask”
3. “What sort of prat tattoos a necklace on himself?! He’s so embarrassed he has to hide behind a mask … Clearly, the wannabe Jesus lookalike will win here. He’ll kick ass for the Lord! ”
4. “CM Punk for the win… cos he looks like Zeus from Clash of the Titans”
See if you can guess which two came from men and which two came from women?
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: I’m hoping Punk wins here; he’s been amazing for months now, and this feud could carry on for a while yet. I realise that I’m probably wrong though as Rey is the obvious winner here, but either way this should be a good match.
Poor Teddy, nobody cares about him. At least he got to induct his daddy into the Hall of Fame last night (although both Randy and Cody had already done that of course.) Anyway, with a 5 to 1 vote it would appear that Orton gets the win here. Any particular reasons?
1. “Cos I fancy him as well”
2. “We like his tattoos and body and face”
3. “Randy Orton for the win… cos he looks more like a wrestler than the other two… and if it’s anything like any other fake TV storyline, if you don’t recognise the other people, chances are they’ve be pulverised. (like a red-shirt from Star Trek)”
You may be starting to notice a trend here, the women clearly influenced by how attractive they find the wrestlers, and the men basically proving how geeky they (OK, “we”) are. Still, Cody did get a vote because “he’s a full breed doodle dandy” whereas “Teddy here just looks like he needs a hug.”
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Honestly, I’ve no idea. I don’t watch Raw so I haven’t kept on the Legacy fallout. I still think Ted DiBiase will be a star, I was one of the people who thought he might win the Royal Rumble, so I’ll go with him.
The probable low point of the card, Bret Hart vs Mr McMahon will either be dire or a big mess of run-ins and interference with McMahon doing his usual excessive blading. My work colleagues seem to think McMahon will win, mainly because they either “don’t like the other guys glasses” or because “he’s supposed to be the big chief who runs it rather than a guy who fights in it.” Hmm… either my drunken wittering about pro-wrestling on office trips to the pub quiz have had an effect, or somebody (who’s name shall remain classified) is a closet wrestling fan. On the off chance my confidential colleague reads this: “Chris, there’s no shame in watching wrestling. Join us… Join us…”
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Pretty sure Bret’s taking this one, unless he’s signed on for longer than we think the logical conclusion is that Bret get’s his revenge for Montreal after all these years. Although I would be very happy if Vince won…
HHH takes this one in the vote, although a lot of that could be due to the graphic WWE.com used to advertise the match. I honestly laughed out loud (yes, a grown man of 35 LOL’d) when I was flicking through the site looking for the pictures to send out for voting. Certainly that could explain:
1. “Cos I can’t stand redheads and he scares me”
2. “He looks more normal than the other”
However, again showcasing the geek nature that pervades in our office “Mad Irish Berserker Sheamus for the absolute win. Clearly he’s been grinding in WoW to get ripped. Triple H just sounds like bad engine oil.” So apparently it’s either HHH winning because Sheamus looks weird, or Sheamus winning because he looks like a World of Warcraft character…
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: I really want Sheamus to win this and start his push again, but let’s be honest – it’s going to be HHH…
Suprisingly, the votes went to ShowMiz in this one. I have to say I expected the women to vote for John Morrison and his frankly ridiculous 8-pack, but no. It appears women really are swayed by shiny trinkets as the reason given for voting from the Admin Office was “they have big belts.” I didn’t the heart (or the courage) to go in and explain to them that having the belts isn’t an indication that you will win, more an indication you have won in the past.
The guys in the office, perhaps more predictably, also took against Morrison (despite all being the perfect specimens of manhood you would expect to find sitting behind a computer programming all day.)
1. “Is this a wrestling lineup or an episode of America’s got (no) talent? None of them look cool, hard or scary. Three of them should all get disqualified and get day jobs as secretaries The winner would be the big guy on the left. I imagine his head butt skills would win.”
2. “ShowMiz for the win… cos that John Morrison looks like a show pony ‘look at me aren’t I fantastic’ dick head and I hate people like that so I hope he not only loses but also has some sort of freak mishap which makes him act like the complete tool that he looks!”
Not that we’re bitter or anything…
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Got to agree with the office on this one. Morrison & R-Truth taking the belts makes no sense, unless Miz brings his NXT Rookie with him and Bryan somehow costs him the win again. Actually, yeah, that’s what I want to happen. I could put with R-Truth’s incessant nonsense if it led to a Miz/Bryan feud on Raw or Smackdown.
Ta Da! Jericho got the only clean sweep in the votes. Slightly surprising, but then Jericho is “the best in the world at what he does”. Any particular reasons why the voters have swayed in Jericho’s direction?
1. “Jericho is a far cooler name than Edge, even if I do like U2. On that strength alone he’ll win.” Of course it’s a cool name, it’s taken from a Helloween album title.
2. “Chris Jericho for the win… cos that Edge is another show pony who loves his reflection so much that he has to be dragged away from the mirror.” Again, not bitter…
3. “The other has a Bruce Forsyth chin” Of course…
So there you have it, Jericho will retain the title due to having a cool name; whereas Edge is obviously going to lose because he’s too busy studying his enormous chin in the mirror, like one of Vic Reeve’s Ponderers…
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Edge seems the obvious choice; making his comeback as a face, winning the Rumble, going to ‘Mania and winning the World Heavyweight would be a typical WWE story.
I’m beginning to think I work with a bunch of smarks who only go for the heels. I mean, why would anyone vote for Batista retaining against Cena at Wrestlemania?
1. “He looks like Gladiator”
2. “He’s got a tattoo and a big belt”
I see. By the way, I’m not sure which Gladiator she meant with that one. I can’t see a massive resemblance between Batista and Russell Crowe myself, so I assume it was Goliath she had in mind from the last series of Gladiators. Having said that,any particular reason why Cena might win?
“John Cena will win that… cos John Cena wins everything and he’s a “big movie star” now… if you could call straight-to-dvd “big”.”
OK, still not convinced you haven’t been furtively watching pro-wrestling Chris… Oh, and in case you were wondering: “The guy on the left looks like Alan Sugar on steroids. The guy on the right looks like Joel Gretsch. Tough call, so I’ll have to say the ninja in the background will win this one.”
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Great as Batista has been lately, I’d be surprised if he wins this. At the very least I can’t see him winning clean, so I’ll go with Cena to win by DQ, letting Batista keep the belt. As an aside, I’m pleasantly surprised how much I’m looking forward to a Cena vs Batista match, especially if there’s a ninja involved…
I’ll leave this one to the (now blatant) closet wrestling fan in the office: “Undertaker will win that… not only has he got a cool name and a cool outfit, it’ll be seen as the big shock finale. …and like most things which are fake and over-dramatised, it has to have a dramatic ending. You know… like a limo blowing up in the car park for example. Not that that’s ever happened eh… *ahem*”
ANDREW’S REAL PREDICTION: Undertaker – I can’t see him losing his streak, and HBK’s been pretty vocal about wanting time off recently. Either way, this should be the match of the night, and one of the things that will keep me awake until 4am (along with lashings and lashings of Dandelion & Burdock)
I just want to say thank you to Andrew, Anne, Brenda, Chris, Dave and Maxine for their contributions.