It’s difficult to know where to start with last week’s Smackdown. It was pretty great and I don’t really want to take the mickey out of it. Then again, I wouldn’t be much of an ace comedy-wrestling-blogger if I didn’t. Just expect the jokes to be punctuated with me speaking excitedly about how wonderful CM Punk is.
Smackdown started with Rey Mysterio. But not just Rey; he brought out Mummy-Mysterio, Boy-Mysterio and Girl-Mysterio.
It was all very sweet. It was Girl-Mysterio Aalyah’s birthday, so the crowd clapped and chanted for her. After a heartfelt speech from Rey about the fans being his extended family (aww), he encouraged the crowd to sing Happy Birthday to his little girl. The crowd, of course, obliged and I found myself being sucked right into this bubblegum world of Happy Families.
As we reached the line of the song that goes……
….someone decided to pay the perfect family a little visit.
Ohhh. Right. This is a wrestling show. And there’s a Mysterio/Punk feud kicking off. In all the rainbows and moonbeams I totally forgot there’s a fight going on. Here begins the greatest performance from CM Punk since he fooled the audience several months ago by running out dressed as the newly “retired” Jeff Hardy.
Punk and his disciples slowly pounded their way to the ring and Aalyah Mysterio acted everyone else out of the building. She cowered behind Rey with such theatrical prowess, I questioned whether she was a real Mysterio and not a drama school kid masquerading as a genuine Mysterio.
With a steely look and a coldness only Punk could pull off, he sang Happy Birthday to Aalyah in the creepiest manner possible. Once this was over, Punk challenged Rey to two matches; one at Wrestlemania and the other right there and then in front of his family. Rey wasn’t too keen and Aalyah was getting upset. Punk didn’t like this and made an attempt at pacifying the child himself in a spookily slow voice:
Punk went on to address each family member individually and suggested that wife-lady Angie would be needed to support her husband through the very bad times ahead. The final straw came when Punk called Rey a coward. He stepped forward but stopped for fear of frightening his family. Then Punk went a bit silly and said:
Ummm, Punk? There’s no mozzarella involved. It’s pronounced MA-KIS-MO. But after this heel performance to end all heel performances, I’ll let that slight error in European pronunciation slide. I realise I’m going on a bit here, but it was truly fantastic. Punk continued to push and even gave Rey a nice little slap round the face. Rey wasn’t biting. He escorted his family out of the arena, dubbed ‘The Walk of Shame’, and Punk gave us a reprise of Happy Birthday. It was both awesome and evil at the same time.
Oh and if you haven’t seen any of this yet, it’s worth hanging on to hear Matt Striker’s beautifully over-done analysis of CM Punk’s actions. I LOL’d and there was nobody else in the room.
After this, we needed something lighter. The Miz sauntered out with his NXT rookie, Daniel Bryan, unhappily walking some ten paces behind him. You should know that I am now deeply in love with Daniel Bryan. Not lust. L.O.V.E. I think I might have to marry him. Miz did one of his usual ‘I’m more awesome than you’ speeches, then R-Truth came out to counter. He too had his NXT rookie walking behind him. Nice to know the newbies are respecting the pecking order.
Miz and Truth had a decent match and it looked as if Miz was about to take the win when Bryan interfered and swung Miz’s feet from the ropes.
Miz was furious and everyone, including R-Truth, knows that a person gripped by rage loses their concentration. Truth flipped Miz back and pinned him for the win. The tension between Miz and Bryan rolls nicely on.
Despite losing his first two Money in the Bank qualifying matches, Drew McIntyre’s pretty golden round the corridors of the WWE. So, he was given a third opportunity to get into the biggest ladder match ever seen. (Don’t challenge me on that, statistics nerds.) His second defeat had been wiped from the record and, even though you’d think Vince McMahon would have better things to do, he arranged for Drew to have a match against…..
A local upstart indeed, Matthew Striker. You know how squash matches go. Let’s jump ahead to the best part of these few minutes.
Miz and R-Truth had already worked their frustrations out on each other, so it’s only fair that their respective tag partners get to do the same. They had a match, which Big Show won. It was enjoyable but no major events to report. This left our tagging friends 1-1.
As you know, the demise of ECW left a lot of people needing roster spots elsewhere. This was also true of Tiffany, who was leaving her GM job behind and returning to the wrestling ring. Vickie Guerrero was worried that a younger and better looking lady was after her job. Teddy explained that this was not the case, but Vickie was having none of it and put Tiffany in a match against Michelle McCool.
With neither The Hart Dynasty nor Cryme Tyme featuring in this year’s Wrestlemania, any match of theirs could only be classed as filler, just two weeks before the big dance. I sat back and waited for the match to play itself out when……
Don’t be silly. EVERY match has to have a Wrestlemania angle. If that means Undertaker takes out four young bucks to prove to Shawn Michaels how immensely powerful he still is, so be it.
Back to the ladies and Women’s Champ Michelle McCool’s match against ring-rusty Tiffany. Initially, Michelle had the upper hand, even doing push-ups in the middle of the ring to assert her authority. This didn’t last long. As soon as the champ was on her feet, Tiffany took her out of the ring and did some serious damage. Vickie decided to help her ‘flawless’ pal and rugby-tackled Tiffany to the ground.
The match was brought to an abrupt end and the three witchy women rolled the newcomer back into the ring to hurt her some more. You know what this situation needs? A super-face to rescue Tiffany from the clutches of evil. Mickie James? No. She’s got a sore leg. Maria? No. She’s been fired. There’s nothing else for it, Beth Phoenix is going to have to do a face-turn. Ah there’s our heroine, just in the nick of time:
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when I die I’m coming back as Beth Phoenix. She is the awesomest lady in all the land.
Kane and Luke Gallows had a match, but the real show was CM Punk and Serena watching from ringside. Punk even waved his finger at Kane when he got too aggressive.
Long story short, Punk got involved and stuck the GTS on Kane. Then Rey Mysterio showed up and Punk pulled his ‘bricking it’ face.
A giant brawl ensued, they rolled around in the crowd, the officials held Rey back and Punk scampered away. This, my friends, is how you get viewers jazzed for a non-title match at Wrestlemania. Beautiful work.
There was just one segment of the show to go… the welcome return of Jericho’s Highlight Reel. It was more of the same excellent Jericho/Edge ‘Mania promo and, yes, there were lots of verbal and physical spears. Their promos are a little like the HBK/Undertaker promos in that it’s difficult to summarise them. All you need to know is that Edge left with the upper hand the previous week and Jericho reversed it last week.