raw(lite): eww, eww and phew

I wasn’t looking forward to this week’s Raw. The idea of a Cheech and Chong hosted show almost made me skip it. But this is the Road to Wrestlemania, and skipping shows at this time of year would be kind of criminal, so I watched. Surprisingly, they managed to squeeze a reasonable amount of incidents into the show, which started with a visit to the ring from Shawn Michaels.

HBK was not happy. He felt that the roster didn’t believe in his ability to beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.  You know at a wedding ceremony when they say “If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace “? Shawn did a similar thing. There was silence. Would anyone have the guts to tell Shawn Michaels they think he’s washed up?

But don’t worry, kids. Trips just came out to tell Shawn he should pull himself together, stop getting upset with the haters in the locker room and stay focused on the match.

Sidenote: I know wrestlers aren’t exactly shy about exposing skin, but doesn’t Triple H’s arse ever get cold, wandering around in his pants when he doesn’t even have to? Not a complaint, you understand, just an observation. Anyway, Hunter suggested that they challenge for the tag-team titles that night so the crowd would have sweet memories of DX to take them through Mania. Shawn agreed.

Then this happened. It was creepy.

Back in the ring, the slow-burn that is the destruction of Legacy continued, as Ted DiBiase took on Randy Orton. They were having a pretty good match but Randy had the upper hand. This triggered the arrival of Cody Rhodes, who attempted to help Teddy out. The ref called an end to the match,  but it continued after the bell had been dinged, with Randy sweeping the decks and sending his former lap-dogs running.

Then this even creepier scene flashed across my eyes…..

But it turned out to be some kind of sugar-trip and ended up like this…….

Trust Regal to save the day.

Jack Swagger and Santino fought it out for a spot in the Money in the Bank ladder match. I’d fill you on all the details, but it was over so quickly there’s not much to tell.

Everyone wants to do the point. Sometimes, I even do it with them. You know, just for fun.

Following this, John Cena made his way to the ring and started recapping the happenings between himself and Batista. John couldn’t understand why Big Dave had such a huge problem with him. His feelings were hurt. But this was no time for friendship. He called Dave out and demanded a discussion. (I could tell you all about Batista’s choice of attire, or you could just read the post I wrote about it earlier in the week.) John called Dave a pansy. Dave laughed. Then he went on to do what he usually struggles to do well – deliver a memorable promo. It turned out this whole feud had been fueled by jealousy. Dave wanted to be the WWE’s poster boy. Bless him.

Just in case that wasn't clear.

John went to great lengths to explain why he deserves to be said poster boy, including telling Dave that he should face the man in the mirror and start showing up at work on time. The crowd cheered. Dave countered with his indifference to their reaction. The crowd booed. Then Dave delivered the most fantastic line I’ve heard in some time.

Coolness.

Then he went on to shut Cena’s mouth good and proper. You know I love John. But it was cool to see Batista living up to his potential as a heel. I sincerely hope the match lives up to the hype at WM. Nothing pleases me more than when wrestlers who garner such smarky ridicule prove everyone wrong.

Anyway, after more Cheech and Chong nonsense backstage, MVP battled Zack Ryder for a place in the MitB match. It was possibly a shorter match than Swagger/Santino. MVP’s going to Mania. Shame.

I didn't point with MVP. I didn't want him to win.

In further acts of Diva humiliation, the girls were forced to play-out every teenage boy’s fantasy and have a pillow fight in cartoon-based pyjamas. Because if Hello Kitty and SpongeBob appear on the front, it’s child friendly, right? Kelly Kelly came out with a big lollipop and WWE.Com marked this auspicious occasion by doing a photoshoot of the girls in their PJs.

As long as the boys get something to wank to, that's all that matters, yeah? And it's nice to see she's giving them tips on how to deal with spillage issues. Just tie a handkerchief around your hand. You might even call it a wankerchief. Hah! I'm hilarious.

If you actually care, Eve Torres won the match. They all pressed their pillows together to show their excitement.

You’ll remember last week that Vince McMahon invited Bret Hart back to Raw so that he could say a proper goodbye to the WWE Universe.  Vince strutted down to the ring to introduce him, but something told me Bret wouldn’t be too chuffed to see him. Let’s find out:

Ok, before I go on, here’s the thing I don’t get about the WWE. They went to all the trouble of bringing medics in, using an inflatable splint and arranging for an ambulance to be there when Bret ‘broke his leg’ a couple of weeks ago. But then they send him out with a totally inappropriate crutch and without a boot on his cast. We went through this when Michelle McCool was injured. If using under-arm crutches, you must have two and they must be adjusted to your height. Also, I’ve never broken my leg, but when you do you’re supposed to have a boot to help you walk; especially if you might be walking down, ooh I don’t know, a steep ramp. I’ll shut up now.

The two of them verbally tussled for a while, Vince over-acted and did his super-villain voice, Bret under-acted and fell as Vince kicked his solitary crutch away.


Vince walked away, Bret clambered to his feet and told Mr. M. that he would give him a match at Wrestlemania after all.

No pointy-pointy? 😦

Vince did his scary dictator smile and announced that he would be proving his fitness level by taking on John Cena the following week. Lord have mercy!

We ended as we began, with Triple H and Shawn Michaels. They tried to get their long-held tag belts back from Miz and Big Show but, come on, you didn’t really think that would happen, did you? At first it seemed possible. But the second Mr. Taker appeared on the titantron and rolled his eyeballs back, I knew it was all over.

Miz took advantage of Shawn’s moment of distraction and pinned him to keep the belts. Trips tried to put a comforting hand on his BFF’s shoulder but Shawn was too upset to receive it and stormed off up the ramp, leaving HHH all alone. Hey, I’ve been thinking. We’re only a few weeks away from the biggest show of the year and Triple H doesn’t have a match yet. You know who else doesn’t have a match? Sheamus. And considering he was the WWE champ until Elimination Chamber, that seems kind of ludicrous. I’ll give the Creative Team a ring tomorrow and see if they’d like to put HHH and Sheamus in a little feud and…..oh…..wait……

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7 thoughts on “raw(lite): eww, eww and phew

  1. I love reading this it makes me laugh every time! Wankerchief is hilarious i agree FAPKIN, ISSUE-TISSUE!!!! What the hell sort of suggestions are they? they’re rubbish! X

    • That’s why I’m the hilarious one and Andrew is the historian/statistician/brains of the operation. …….. Glad you enjoy reading the posts.

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