First off, some sad news. I’m afraid Crotch Watch is now officially gone. I know you were all hoping I’d change my mind, but I’ve flipped the switch on the life support machine and have bid my tearful farewells. Don’t worry, it didn’t feel a thing. Here’s the kicker though; as well as inspecting the groins of wrestlers a little more closely than I should have, I also used CW as a platform to discuss wrestle-fashions. I kind of miss that part, so I’ve given birth to strut, pose, turn. Not only are some of our more established heroes making some…. ‘interesting’ fashion choices at the moment, but the new string of NXT rookies are also a bizarre crew of fashion triumphs and disasters. Seriously, Justin Gabriel, what were you thinking?
I’ve never been to South Africa, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t standard dress on the streets of Cape Town. Still, you have to admire a man who would not only wear a white dress on global television, but a white dress that makes him look like a bit of a bloater. I can’t help but feel I’ve seen something similar before though. Maybe Justin took inspiration from a certain Newcastle lass.
Anyway, I’ll probably mix things up and include lots of different people in future posts. I may even have to include a few trunk inspections. Shutup! If they’re clothing, they’re fashion. For this first post though, I want to concentrate on the man who appears in the segment banner. Yes, everyone’s favourite bearded bad-guy, Dave Batista.
When he was a face, I can’t remember taking much notice of Dave’s threads. But as a heel, he’s been fashion roadkill week-after-week. In my role as chief mickey-taker, I feel it’s my duty to drive back down that road and scrape up those festering clothing carcases with a shovel.
The first indication that things might be going awry for Dave came back in December at the Slammys.
I actually loved this outfit. Real men wear pink and all that. And besides, he was taking Maria’s Diva of the Year moment a la Kanye West/Taylor Swift at the VMAs. No problem.
But Dave obviously got a taste for the golf-shirt lifestyle and decided to carry it on a little longer.
It didn’t end there. In pure nouveau-riche style, he appeared on the Raw titantron to address John Cena in his Ralph Lauren Polo. LOGO TO THE MAX! Oh and the aviators were a must to top-off the look. Not sure how much you paid for those, David, but they sell them in TopShop for about 15 quid. Just sayin’.
From here, Dave decided to take a different clothing route. In one foul swoop he went from fair-weather golfer to King of Double-Denim. There are ways to wear double-denim and still look cool. For example, Christina Ricci looks pretty laid back and chilled in hers:
Captain of all Teenage Hearts, Zac Efron, pulls it off regularly:
Eternally stylish David Beckham makes it look effortless:
And then there’s fabulous Dave Batista; shirtless, bulging and with the style savvy of a South-Western trucker.
Oh Dave. Couldn’t you at least have put a shirt on, sweets? Ah. Of course not, because then we wouldn’t have seen that oiled, rippling, 6-pack, right?
But this wasn’t the end. Batista’s finest fashion hour came on this week’s Raw when he rolled in looking like the 80’s gay scene had just vomited him up.
That studded leather cuff alone is criminal, but the whole ensemble is both amazing and atrocious at the same time. I can’t even look at that picture without imagining him disappearing behind the curtain and throwing shapes to some wicked David Guetta beats. Click play, close your eyes and imagine it:
I’m tempted to suggest that someone in the wardrobe department has a word in Dave’s ear, but the anticipation of which combination of gaudy designer names, pleather waistcoats and fur-collared denim he might come up with next is kind of exciting. Keep on truckin’, David Batista. I bloody love you!