elimination chamber: tell my family i love them

It’s been an eventful week in the world of wrestling. The best thing we can do is go back to Sunday’s Elimination Chamber PPV and roll through the happenings as they occurred.

Elimination Chamber was the first WWE Pay Per View I haven’t watched live in several months. As there’s only so many days I can reasonably take off work for wrestling, Sidekick Andrew and myself agreed that we’d spend Sunday night and all of Monday avoiding spoilers so that we could watch it on Monday night. This was more difficult than you might think when you spend all day working at a computer. For the most part, we managed to avoid results and watched it in the Cardiff Wrestle Bunker on Monday night. The Dean, Matt Striker, joined us via satellite phone so that he could comment on how wonderful his commentary was. Show-off! He had to turn his volume down a few times because he was so desperate to tell us what happened next.

The first match of the night was the Raw Elimination Chamber. John Cena was the first to be encased in his pod, followed by Ted DiBiase, his boss – Randy Orton, Triple H and Kofi Kingston. Kofi didn’t have to deal with any claustrophobia worries, as he got to start the match in the middle of the Chamber with Sheamus.  They scuffled for a bit, then Kofi rolled away for a little rest while the next competitor was released. I wasn’t sure who it was at first. It appeared to be some kind of terrifying yeti creature.

Then I realised it was The Game. The three of them scrapped it out until Randy Orton burst out of his pod like a maniac. With bodies strewn all of the place and nobody eliminated yet, it was time to release someone else from their plastic prison. Ted DiBiase was let loose and, to my surprise, he helped Randy Orton to his feet. Booooo! That’s not how it’s supposed to go. They teamed up to make some Kofi flavoured ravioli…..

I'll have mine with a drizzle of olive oil and a splash of balsamic. Cheers!

I'll have mine with a drizzle of olive oil and a splash of balsamic. Cheers!

Then they squashed Triple H into the plastic grid……

Then they waited at John Cena’s pod door for him to vacate his quarters like a couple of vultures. But they were no match for Super-Cena, who powered his way through them like a hot knife through butter. At one point, he even used Ted to knock Randy out of the ring. What a hero! John had cleared the ring and was starting to think about eliminating the dead-wood when Cody Rhodes showed up with a lead pipe in hand. The EC is no DQ, so it was totally acceptable when Cody sneaked the lead pipe through the chains for Ted to use as a weapon.  Back in the middle of the ring, Cena was adjusting Orton’s attitude and everyone else was having a bit of a snooze. Ted could have thumped either John Cena or Randy Orton. He took both out of action and didn’t stop at just giving Randy a little tap with his rod either. Oh no. Ted DiBiase eliminated Randy Orton from the chamber. *GASP*

Time to start clearing house. Kofi eliminated Ted, Sheamus pinned Kofi and Triple H got rid of Sheamus. And then there were two. At this point, I proclaimed out loud that HHH would win. I was incorrect. After a little more squabbling, John rode the wild bull that was Triple H (thanks, Lawler) and STF’d him until he tapped out.

Well this is most curious. How will John Cena’s much hyped feud with Batista play out now that he’s the champ? Wait. What’s this?

Despite only being in combat for about ten minutes, John Cena looked more exhausted than he did after his Iron Man match last year.

So, extreme lethargy allowed Dave to make quick work of pinning John and, in the blink of an eye, the title belt had switched hands again.

After the amateur dramatics were over and Matt Striker was done taking the piss out Cole and Lawler via the use of his eyebrows, it was time for Drew McIntyre vs Kane for the Intercontinental Championship. The crowd didn’t care about either of these guys. I only care about McIntyre because of the country that issues his passport and the number of bedazzled Scottish flags on his pants, so it was kind of dull. The match itself was solid, but the sulky crowd took away from it. All I’ll report is that Drew McIntyre kept the belt…. and died of embarrassment when realised he’d only tanned from the pectorals upwards.

Backstage, it appeared that Gail Kim had finally rumbled Maryse’s not-so-genius plan to trash talk Gail in French, while giving the impression that they were great pals in English. Hmm reminds me of when my brother and I used to swear in Welsh in front of our mother. Although, we were clever enough to make sure she didn’t know what we were saying. It appears Gail Kim speaks French too. SHOCKER! It’s not like she’s a Canadian or anything!

So, the last match of the Divas Title Tournament was FINALLY ready to take place. Or was it? Well, no, it wasn’t actually. Vickie Guerrero came out and took offence at all the derogatory comments the Raw ladies had been making about the Smackdown ladies. Vickie decided to cancel the Divas Title Match and sent Team LayCool out for a tag match instead. This is what happens without a regular GM on Raw. Smackdown randoms can take over whenever they please.

At least it was a decent match, with Michelle pinning Gail for the win. Maryse was well miffed about this and clambered into the ring to teach Gail a lesson for refusing to tag her into the match in time to win.

There were only four matches billed for this PPV, which meant that either the Smackdown Elimination Chamber would be really long, or something “unexpected” needed to happen. The latter was to be true. Just as The Miz was plugging his mentoring of NXT rookie Daniel Brian, MVP showed up and demanded a shot at the US Title. The Miz was in no position to refuse and was forced to remove his smooth threads and prepare for a match.

If Josh Matthews shrinks any more he might disappear completely.

Looking curiously handsome that night, William Regal came out to promote NXT a little more. He was soon interrupted by Edge, who was utterly bored with Regal’s ranting. After a bit of chatter, Edge speared him into the middle of next week and smoothed his locks back all Danny Zuko-like. I felt conflicted.

Now to that impromptu match between The Miz and MVP. We’ve seen it time and time again on Raw, right? We almost don’t need to watch it, we’ve seen it so many times. Except, it was actually a really good match. I’m not the biggest MVP fan, but they both worked their socks off. There was blood and everything. Despite MVP’s best efforts, Miz’s belt tally remained at three. He was so excited, he even tried to hug the doctor attempting to quickly remove the blood from his forehead before they were forced to flash a parental guidance sign on the screen.

It’s time to lower that metal structure again for the second of the Elimination Chamber matches.  Rey Mysterio was the first to be sealed in his cubicle, followed closely by John Morrison and Chris Jericho. Then Undertaker came out and, if you’ve ever questioned why so many wrestlers come to the ring with soaking wet hair, Taker’s entrance is a good example of why it’s a good thing. Some paraffin must have spilt out of the pyro canisters, creating a fireball in the middle of ramp just as Taker was walking down. This shows it best:

Like a total professional, Undertaker dabbed himself down to put out the flames and carried on to his pod.  If it had been me, I would have been screaming like a banshee and calling for an ambulance. And just imagine if it had been John Morrison! All that beautiful, lacquered hair would be a thing of the past. This moment of flaming excitement was followed by CM Punk’s arrival which, true to form, was supported by a vocal sermon. Oh and if you’re wondering if Serena was drunk, she wasn’t. They just gave her some very awkward shoes to wear down the ramp. Punk pledged to save all the boys in their pods, climbing up on the turnbuckle and smacking Mysterio’s pod for extra impact. But R-Truth was getting bored and interrupted Punk, rapping his way to the ring.

The two of them started things off but Truth couldn’t quite keep up with Punk’s pace. While he took a little breather at the end of the ring, Punk grabbed a mic and entertained himself my addressing those still locked in their little tubes. They didn’t look impressed. Then he invited everyone at home to “place your hand on the screen and feel CM Punk flow through you.” Ahem. I do that regularly when I’m all alone, but ok, if you insist.

For those not enjoying the lecture, Rey Mysterio came to the rescue when his pod door flew open. They fought it out in spectacular fashion for some time before Mysterio eliminated Punk with a Splash. BOO! More sermons! I want more “flowing”. Anyway, after a few seconds of respite, Jericho was released. Once they’d entertained for five minutes, John Morrison was let loose, leaving just Taker to enter the match. After several minutes, Morrison eliminated Rey Mysterio and Undertaker joined soon after. From this point the three of them strung the match out for quite some time and, to be serious for a moment, I’d be surprised if John Morrison isn’t being groomed for something big very soon.  Not right now though. Taker eliminated Morrison, leaving just himself and Jericho in the ring. And we knew he meant business, because the straps came down.


At this juncture, it was completely obvious that Jericho had to win. With John Cena and Batista all set for Wrestlemania, it was clear that Edge would challenge for the World Heavyweight Title. Before he was seriously injured, Edge was messing around with Jericho. It was the perfect set-up for a Wrestlemania 26 title match. I thought I’d been proven wrong when Taker sliced his thumb across his throat. But there’s someone who’s been noticeably absent from this show……

Jericho pinned Taker while he was down and ran off with the belt. Then Shawn Michaels’ neck disappeared. Bring on Wrestlemania. Like, NOW!


One thought on “elimination chamber: tell my family i love them

  1. Oh, I remember when I was watching it, I was at a local shop from a guy who sells WWE stuff, and when Punk said that of his hand I raised it and everybody booed at me.

    Some people just don’t understand Punk love, isn’t it?

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