raw(lite): and the oscar goes to…..

With Jerry Springer in place as guest host, I had high hopes for this week’s Raw. Very high hopes. High apple-pie-in-the sky hopes, even. Despite hosting one of the trashiest shows to ever appear on television and inspiring a million equally awful copycat programmes around the world, Jerry Springer seems like a pretty decent dude.  And how many former politicians can you say that about? Also, when he traced his family back to the Nazi Holocaust and visited the concentration camps where his grandmothers had died on Who Do You Think You Are?, it was one of the most moving pieces of television I’ve ever seen. Anyway, there was a ton of stuff they could have done with Jerry as guest host. Unfortunately, the Raw creative team used him as little as possible and took the lowest road available, which was disappointing. According to Sidekick Andrew, if I were a little more cynical (like him) I wouldn’t continue to feel let down by Raw. Taking this path of optimism is rather stressful.

Breaking from tradition, I’m just going to concentrate on one awesome event on this week’s Raw. No, not the hideous bit where half the roster claimed to have sired Kelly Kelly’s fake unborn child in a Jerry Springer Show spoof. This included Michael Cole, by the way. Ewww. There’s a mental image nobody needed. He was SO grateful to Kelly that drunken night.  Again, ewww.

No, the segment I refer to relates to Bret Hart and his dramatic, leg-crushing car accident. Let’s…errrrm….. crush?

In case you haven’t noticed, the Winter Olympics are taking place in Vancouver,Canada, at the moment. Canadians are mega proud of this despite criticism from the rest of the world that they haven’t controlled the climate well enough. God, Canada, could you just make it snow a bit harder so the events don’t get postponed? Pfft. Oh and Britain won its first individual gold medal in some 3o years yesterday. YAY! You go, Amy Williams! Nobody slides on ice quite like you, you good sliding thing. Shut-up, North America. I can hear your laughter from here! We don’t get enough snow to practice these events properly. Come to think of it, we don’t do that well in the Summer games either. But if they come up with a new Olympic Games that takes place when it’s ‘ too warm for a big coat but nippy enough to need a jacket to keep the drizzle off’……TEAM GB = top of the medal table. Anyway, Bret Hart showed up wearing his green Olympics clobber and went on to give a speech about how he’s had enough of all the McMahon silliness and just wants to go back to normal life. There would be no Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon match at Wrestlemania 26. 😦

It sounds sad but don’t be blue. His long walk to his car gave all kinds of usually overlooked guys and gals a booking.

John Cena tried to talk Bret out of leaving. He pleaded with him. But it was no use. I know, kids. SOB SOB SOB. Bret got into the back of his posh limo to be driven away, the camera swung around to follow sad-pants Cena away and then someone in the production van pressed a button on the sound-panel to release a car-crunching sound.

OH NO! Looks like some dumb broad has managed to back her car into Bret’s limo seconds before he pulled his left leg into the car. OMG! OMG! ZOMG!!!!1!! And here begins the most fabulous piece of over-acting you’ll see this side of Oscar night.

Thank heaven John Cena was there to take control of the situation and boss everyone around. Once a Marine, always a Marine, right Johnny? Suck on THAT, Ted DiBiase-Marine 2.

Gail Kim doesn’t get to speak much, so she shouted like a lunatic from the second she reappeared on screen. You’ve got to take your chances to shine whenever they show themselves. Evan Bourne comforted Gail at her side. Dirty dog! *wink*

This isn't really the time, Gail.

Some kind of doctor ran in, John appraised him of the situation like a pro and the doc put the call in for medical back-up. Ooooh it was like being in an episode of 24. When Kiefer Sutherland retires, John wants first dibs on Jack Bauer’s replacement. I would like to volunteer myself to be Chloe to John Cena’s Jack Bauer. She really only has one miserable facial expression, which I know I can pull off.

I look like that every single day sat at my desk at work. Also, I can totally bash at multiple keyboards and pretend I know stuff about technical shit. In addition, she only ever has one conversation with Jack in every season of 24. Sure, the names and locations change, but ultimately it’s the same conversation over-and-over again.


JACK: “Chloe, I don’t have much time. I need you locate Julio Menendez. He’s on foot and heading towards 10th Avenue. Realign the satellite and patch the visuals through to me.”

CHLOE: “I can’t do that, Jack! My systems are being monitored. If anyone here suspects I’m helping you, I’ll be ejected from the building. At best I’ll lose my maximum acces to sensitive data.”

JACK: “Damn it, Chloe. Please! This is a matter of national security. I really need you on this!”

CHLOE: “Ok. Give me a few minutes. But you should know I’m taking a huge risk for you here.”

JACK: “I know. And I appreciate it. Just work quickly.”

CHLOE: *THINKING TO HERSELF* “I love him so much it hurts.”

So, you see, I could absolutely make that work with John Cena as my Jack. Wait, I feel I may have both digressed and revealed a little too much of my personal fantasy. Ummm. Back to Raw. Where were we? Ah yes………

As they waited for the medics, John lost his temper and started yelling at the random woman who committed this atrocity. Poor lady. How was she to know that Bret had previously suffered a stroke and takes a little longer to manoeuvre his limbs into the back of a car? Gail Kim continued to ham it up like ham soup on Ham Appreciation Day (probably a real event somewhere in America) while Primo re-appeared to see what he could do to help.

Even though Bret happened to be on the left side of the car, the paramedics (flanked by Sargent. Cena) brought the stretcher to the right side of the car. OF COURSE! Makes perfect medical sense. This meant that Bret had to be dragged through the car the other way to reach the stretcher. Genius. Bret’s crushed leg had been immobilised in an inflatable splint, so he was ok while they pulled him arse-backwards to the stretcher.


All the jobbers ran to the other side of the car to get on screen, including some randoms which may or may not be appearing on NXT, and then Bret Hart was loaded into one of Iowa’s finest ambulances. He was sped off to a medical facility with the lights flashing and the sirens blaring. He must have felt so special. You know, this whole section was so chaotic, it isn’t really clear what happened. Maybe Jerry Lawler could simply it for us plebs.

“Man, it appears as though Bret’s leg was still outside the car door and someone, I guess some woman, backed her car into Bret’s limo there.” – Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler.

Thanks, Jez. I’m good now. Whew! What a crazy few minutes, eh? And yes, Michael Cole, it is a horrible story, on so many levels. But don’t panic, viewers, The King and Cole are as concerned as we are about Bret Hart’s health. They’ll pull on their serious-times faces and keep us updated on his condition at every interval.

John Cena had a match with HHH to end the show, but before that, he had a conversation with Dave Batista via titantron, where he challenged him to a match on next week’s Raw. You know, this feud might just hang around til Wrestlemania. And, you know, John Cena might like to have someone in his corner like, oooh I dunno, Bret Hart? Then Batista might like to have someone in his corner like, ummm let me think, Vince McMahon? Hah! I bet the writers haven’t thought of THAT!

The rest of the show was mostly fluff designed to make the Elimination Chamber PPV more saleable. This will be the first PPV I haven’t watched live in quite a while. I’ll be watching tomorrow night. What’s the betting I’ll have accidentally encountered spoilers within minutes of getting up tomorrow morning? I’ll have to impose a Twitter embargo until I’ve seen it. I’m getting withdrawal symptoms already.


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