raw(lite): i can has job, pls?

This week’s Raw was guest hosted by a NASCAR driver. I covered how I feel about that strange Southern obsession the last time two of its drivers made a hash of hosting Raw. Thankfully, Carl Edwards did a better job. Besides, this show took place in Lafayette, Louisiana. As the New Orleans Saints had won the Superbowl less than 24 hours before Raw, even I could’ve guest hosted the show and got the crowd to pop. They were drunk off their arse! (Allegedly.)

Apparently, Carl Edwards is matey with John Cena and was looking forward to sharing some laughs with him that night. Cue Sheamus, who couldn’t care less about our guest host’s famous friends, and demanded that he be the final competitor in the Raw Elimination Chamber match at the PPV. Sheamus threatened to do some physical damage to Mr. Edwards, which would suggest that John Cena is about to come out and rescue his pal, right? Wrong. ECW is about to pop its clogs, so its Superstars have to start finding alterative employment on one of the other brands. So…….

Sheamus made an attempt at making Christian feel unwelcome, but Captain Charisma was having none of it and sniped back with a few jibes about Sheamus’ manscaping and spray-tan habits. Such a modern-day insult.

Actually, it was funny.

Christain suggested that they have a bit of fisticuffs right there and then. Carl Edwards agreed, bringing a referee in to keep them in check. Uncharacteristically for Raw, they had a pretty fantastic match. Ok, so any match involving Christian is destined to be awesome, but quality matches on Raw confuse my brain.  Despite a valiant effort, The Pale One came away victorious.

Now to the locker room, where Triple H had been watching the opening match and scowling a lot. Shawn Michaels joined him and proclaimed that he was now over his compulsion for getting a match against The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. I’m not convinced, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Shawn was getting psyched for the fact that DX could be going to WM for the first time. But, oh no, Trips was so concerned with his well-earned spot in the Elimination Chamber that he wasn’t really interested in DX.

Bad times.

This revelation only served to tip Shawn’s calm disposition back the other way. I knew it was too good to be true. We’ll come back to this later.

In another locker room, Ted and Cody were bitching over the fact that Ted’s got a spot in the Elimination Chamber but Cody hasn’t. Apparently, Mark Henry is an easier opponent to beat than John Cena. Ummm, yeah, I dare you to march up to Mark Henry and tell him that to his face, Cody.

Randy Orton showed up and told Cody how proud he was of him for trying to help in his Rumble match against Sheamus; albeit the kind of help which lead to Randy losing the match. Oh yeah, then he informed Cody that he’d be facing Randy himself in a match later that night.

PS---> Get that dark haired gentleman some undereye concealer.

Also, Ted was given a match against John Cena, just to prove that beating Mark Henry wasn’t a fluke.

Like I said, the Lafayette crowd were still inebriated from their post-Superbowl celebrations (allegedly), so who else should they send out to address this issue but…….

Ol' crazy-eyez himself

Yes. On Raw. Again. I know. It felt weird to me too. Punk’s opening lecture can be summed up in one picture.

Guy on the right regrets calling in sick and attending a live TV show.

CM Punk was in the mood for some soul saving, so he pulled Jared the Subway Guy out of the crowd. For the non-Americans who don’t know who he is, he used to be an astonishingly fat man who claimed to have lost a stupendous amount of weight eating nothing but Subway sandwiches. He is now their spokesman. Punk, however, wanted him to be Minister of Propaganda for the Straight Edge Society. Nothing cult-like at ALL about that title. Luckily for Jared, DX began making their way to the ring and distracted Punk from his quest.

They were followed by the most ridiculous tag-team since Big Show and Jericho…..errrrm….. Big Show and The Miz. Let’s just say that any tag-team involving Big Show is going to be lame. By the way, I know that Crotch Watch is slowly being erased from your memories, but I still get a little rush of sunny excitement when Punk wears his yellow trunks.

What? Crotch Watch might be dying but my crotch isn’t. By the way, in his drunken state following Wales’ crushing defeat against England on the opening day of the 6 Nations Rugby Championship last week, my brother decided to make his own version of Crotch Watch.

Yes, that is my pink watch on my brother’s crotch. Don’t worry, I dunked it in disinfectant before returning it to my wrist. I also tried to explain how he might have misinterpreted the term ‘Crotch Watch’. He was too drunk to comprehend or care. We tend to drown our sorrows when we lose to England. Actually, we celebrate with beer when we win against England too. I feel that a visit from the Straight Edge Society may be imminent.

Getting back to the match, remember last week when I said that if Punk and Gallows didn’t have some tag-team waist-bling by the end of this match, I’d eat my own waist-bling? Let me just tell ya, all that metal is really playing havoc with my intestine. The tag-team gold went to the self-named ShowMiz, which makes no sense to me. It seems natural that DX would lose the tag-team belts to go their separate ways, but why give Miz another belt when he should be defending the United States Championship?  The Straight Edge Society get a huge push but come away empty handed?

Anyway, the bigger story here was that while Hunter was breezing his way through the competition, Shawn tagged himself in, had a little squabble with Trips and got himself pinned by Miz while he wasn’t paying attention.

Backstage, Shawn was losing the plot again and demanded that Teddy Long trade him to Smackdown so that he could get into the Smackdown Elimination Chamber and get his shot against The Undertaker.  There was nothing Teddy could do and despite HHH’s efforts to calm Shawn down, he ended up sticking some Sweet Chin Music on Teddy.

Yeah, Carlito was there too.

Gail Kim had a match against Jillian, which Gail won in super-quick time. The whole purpose was to have Maryse on commentary and then in the ring to deliver a partially French speech. This friendly, demure Maryse is most unsettling, but there are two things I’d like to address. Firstly, that dress. WOW! Just…. WOW! Secondly, is Maryse wearing clip-in hair extensions now? If so, just leave them out. Your natural hairline looks so cute. That is all.

There was some shameful promotion of a global sandwich corporation, then Cody had his match against boss-man Randy Orton. Randy was having it all his own way, until Sheamus made an appearance and distracted him from the matter in hand. Cody took advantage of this and pinned Randy for the win.

Sheamus returned to the ring to do some damage to the now horizontal Randy Orton. He delivered a brutal kick to the head but before Sheamus could inflict any more pain, he was chased away by a chair-wielding Cody.

For Joey.

From one conflicted member of Legacy to another, Ted DiBiase was up next against John Cena. But hold the front page!!!!!! John Cena was not his usual cheerful self. He didn’t even allow for the bell to be dinged for the beginning of the match. He threw Ted out of the ring, demolished him and returned to the ring to call Dave Batista out.

You see, after the Nashville Raw went off the air, Batista was sent out to hurt John Cena. To paraphrase John, it didn’t work because HEEEEEE’S STILLLLLLL HEEEEEERE!

Dave didn’t answer the call, but Vince McMahon did, and with a posse of golf-shirted security bods.  John was still furious, you know, sexy-furious. Very raaaaaaawwwr! He demanded that Vince come into the ring. ALONE! Cutting to the chase, John had been Facebooking with Bret Hart all week and had been asked to invite Vince to dance fight fumble around with Bret at Wrestlemania 26. After some provocation, Vince agreed to the match. John Cena left, Vince ridiculed Bret Hart some more, then Bret appeared the ring with a chair in his hand. And if this brief altercation is anything to go by……..

……Vince McMahon and Bret Hart will be replaced by John Cena and Batista within a fortnight. If not, can I get a discount on my WM26 fee?

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