raw(lite): i think i know him

Just in case you’re looking for it, I’m not doing a full Royal Rumble recap. You’ve all seen what happened by now and the whole purpose of live blogging it was to record the event as it happened. Then again, my contribution to the joint live blog with LOL, Wresslin‘ was pretty minimal, so maybe I should do a recap. All credit should go to Adam & Matt, not only for organising it but also for being clever and quick-witted throughout. In my defence, I was rather unwell with a nasty stomach bug.

It started painfully on Friday, it improved on Saturday and appeared to have disappeared altogether on Sunday morning. But come Rumble evening my body was mounting a rebellion against me and what felt like everything I’d eaten in the past month returned from whence it came. 30 minutes after the first stomach evacuation I was a little low on fuel and ceremoniously fainted in, what I’m told, was a hilarious manner. I disagree.

(Img. via luchins.com)

Following a pint of sugar-water, some gentle television and a nap, I joined the live blog, but pretty worse for wear. But hey, the boys kept you entertained, right? Oooh and if you do happen to read back through the live blog, the part where I excused myself for the Taker/Mysterio match was when I went to puke for the third time. Too much info? Yeah, I thought so. Best move on to Raw.

The winner of this year’s Royal Rumble was indeed Edge, as I and many others had predicted some weeks ago. Oh how wonderful it was to see his crazy but appealing face on TV again. Even in HD he looked healthy, so you know he’s fully recovered.  I do so love Edge’s intense, introspective monologues and he marked his return by delivering just that. I marked his return by marking out.

I think I know him.

But now that Edge has a Wrestlemania title shot in his grasp, which of the big belts does he want? His rightful place is on Smackdown, but that would require a match against the Undertaker, who just happens to be 17-0 at Mania.  Then again, he could take on the newbie who’s never appeared at WM before. 28 men and one lady wish they had that dilemma to contend with. Cue newbie.

Sheamus reminded Edge that he may be a little ring-rusty after spending six months with his foot resting on a cushion and suggested that he make his way back to Smackdown where he belongs.

Every time we get a flash of that WM26 sign hanging from the arena ceiling, a flutter of excitement curses through our bodies, right? But we’re forgetting that before we get there we’ve got the Elimination Chamber PPV to look forward to.  Personally, I’d run as fast as I could from anything involving the words ‘chamber’. These guys, however, want in; so there were a whole load of qualification matches on this week’s Raw. The first of these matches was to be John Cena vs Cody Rhodes. Even a chimp could predict the outcome of this match so I’ll just comment on the fact that Cody Rhodes wore some hideous trunks this week. Maybe he thought that because I’m killing Crotch Watch off slowly in a blogging hospice, I wouldn’t take note of his granny knickers this week.  Oh Cody. You don’ t know me at ALL.

Also, Nashville LOVES John Cena! Know why? Because John Cena is a super-friendly guy and Nashville is a super-friendly place. Once, the lady operating the security line at Nashville Airport hugged me and whispered “Don’t worry, you can come back again soon.” I was crying  because I was very sad to leave the Nash.  Oh and just in case your powers of deduction aren’t superior to that of a chimp, the match ended like this.

This episode of Raw was guest hosted by legendary nutcase, William Shatner. Boring as Star Trek is to me (sorry, nerds) I LOVE William Shatner. Vince should just let him show up and be on shows whenever he feels like it. Shatner and wrestling just go together. Why? Because they’re both totally ridiculous, but they know they’re ridiculous. William Shatner’s in on the joke and I think I’ve mentioned on several occasions that people who have the ability to laugh at themselves hold a special place in my heart.  Mr. Shatner’s first appearance of the night was a heated discussion about how Vince should be nicer to Bret Hart. Bill’s finest moment of the evening came a little later. I’ll come back to our host in a paragraph’s time.

Cute as DX is, I prefer Triple H when he’s The Game; angry, wet and a little bit scary. So as this current DX run draws to a close, my Triple H love begins to escalate. Trips was in the next Elimination Chamber qualifying match against Jack Swagger. Again, you can guess the winner, so I’ll comment on my excitement that the REAL Triple H is returning. This should cover it:

And just to confirm your suspicions………

Unless you’ve got the memory of a goldfish, you’ll remember me mentioning how great William Shatner is. This, my friends, is why……

“Musical genius” indeed, Mr. Dramatic-Voiceover-Man. My time is now-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Things are looking pretty bleak for Shawn Michaels. He eliminated Triple H from the Rumble, he was eliminated himself, he attacked the referees, refused to leave the Rumble and generally lost his marbles. He really wanted that match against Taker. Trips tried talking some sense into Shawn and attempted to prepare him for his EC qualifying match against Randy Orton, but HBK wasn’t ready to listen.

Just like all the other matches, I think you can guess who…… oh wait, this one is actually more difficult to call. Then again, if you consider Shawn’s aforementioned lack of focus and M.I.A.  zest for life, he gave Randy an easy night at work. He tried. He really did. But Randy wanted it more.

Then they played a promo video for Wrestlemania 26, which included the official theme tune. It’s a total tribute to auto-tune, but they’ll play it so much over the next couple of months I’ll end up liking it. Then I’ll hate the fact that I like it. Then I’ll watch Wrestlemania and I’ll love it regardless of how cheesy it is because it’ll remind me of how great Wrestlemania was. I’m so complex.

Moving on, Ted DiBiase had a pouting contest with Randy Orton.

Then he went to work on Mark Henry to challenge for the next spot in the Elimination Chamber.  For a while, I forgot the Rumble was over. So when Mark Henry did this……

…..I thought the match was over and I started pouting that my hopes of seeing Randy Orton vs Ted DiBiase at Wrestlemania had been dashed. Then I remembered this match was ‘set for one fall’ and I went on to watch Ted book his place in the Chamber. Sorry, Justin Roberts. I wasn’t paying attention.

The Divas had a rough night of throwing cakes at the Rumble, so they were given the night off to recover.  Gail Kim and Kelly were chatting it up a storm when Maryse appeared at their side. Unusually, she was rather friendly and suggested that she and Gail make their race to the Divas title as ladylike as possible. Then she said something in French. I’ll presume it was something offensive. Don’t ask me. I did German at school.

This time of year, the brands all start mixing up; so it was only a matter of time before CM Punk and his minions made an appearance on Raw.  Punk and Gallows wanted a shot at DX’s tag titles, as did The Miz and Big Show. This had to be settled by our guest host, who set up a triple threat between all three teams for next week’s Raw. If the Straight Edge Society aren’t in possession of some waist-bling by next week, I’ll eat my waist-bling.

PS—-> Note to whoever dressed Serena this week. If you have an ample bosom, high-waisted gathered skirts can make the body look really short, eliminating the perfect hourglass shape. Either drop the skirt so it rests on the hips or switch the top so it falls beyond the waistline. Thanks.

Back in the locker-room, HHH was still trying to put a smile back on Shawn Michaels’ face. It didn’t work. Man, I wish HHH would stand at my shoulder and give me a gruff pep talk when I’m feeling blue.

Kiss him. It would totally work on me.

And I wouldn’t be so rude as to dismiss it and walk away. Just sayin’.

There was one Elimination Chamber qualifying match left and that final spot was fought over by Big Show and Kofi Kingston. Every one of this week’s matches had ended cleanly, so it was time for a bit of shenanigans. Kofi cat-scratched at Big Show’s eyes and Show threw a punch but whacked the ref in the chops by mistake. Show pleaded his innocence but Scott Armstrong was having none of it and ordered that Kofi be named the winner. Big Show cried.

Four weeks ago, Bret Hart was double-crossed once again by Vince McMahon. On this second visit, Bret wasn’t playing games. He wanted Vince’s ass down in the ring. YAH, he said ASS! So old-skool of him. Vinnie obliged and danced his way to the ring. Thank god they didn’t let Vince dress himself again this week.

Bret discussed his stroke and spoke about how difficult it was for him to find the courage to rise above his situation. Inspiring words. And, for making him feel so pathetic a month ago, Bret vowed to kick Vince’s ass right there in the ring. Vince responded by mocking The Hitman’s appearance.

Stroke damage = hilarious, right?

Following this, Vince retracted his offer to induct Stu Hart into the Hall of Fame, claiming that he didn’t deserve it. Here’s the odd thing about the Hart family. You can get up in their face and insult them all you like. But they only really come to life when you insult one of their relatives. Observe:

Vince is unusually fit and strong for a man in his 60’s and Bret Hart, as he so eloquently discussed, is a stroke survivor. So Batista felt the need to run out and save Vince from the wrath of Hart. Dave felt it appropriate to hold Bret down while Vince spat on him.

Dave!!! What are you doing?

Oh I see where this is going. Dave will represent Vince at Wrestlemania.  But who might represent Bret Hart? ….. Ummmmm……. I dunno …… any ideas, Nashville?

Oh yeah.