raw(lite): let’s get ready to rumble – part 1

I figure nobody would really have time to read two full recaps today, what with it being Rumble day and all. Also, having spent most of the morning drinking tea and watching tennis (which I usually don’t care for) in my PJs, I haven’t got time to write them either. Seriously, Roger Federer is a Robot-Man, yeah? He can’t possibly be human. This is what he looked like at the END of the match against Andy Murray in the raging Australian heat?

And damn him for being so gracious and charming in his speech. It made me like him. But who the hell cares about an elegant sport like tennis, right? We’ve got the seedy world of professional wrestling to discuss.

All anyone cares about is the Rumble, so I’ll just run through the Rumble-related highlights from Raw and Smackdown in express format.

  • DX had a pretty cool match against Rhodes and DiBiase, but in-fighting between both tag teams threatened to destroy them; especially DX when Michaels interrupted Trips in the middle of his pedigree. I HATE when someone interrupts me in the middle of my pedigree. Puts me right off my rhythm.

I believe he'll deliver his answer at the Rumble.

  • MVP proved that, despite hanging all that faux bling around his neck, he is actually a real athlete by putting one of those oxygen enhancing sinus strips across his nose, even when there was no match. And Miz proved that he’s a style leader by turning up in a black shirt with a white tie. Ballsy fashion statement, m’friend!

MVP also insinuated that Miz and Big Show are gay lovers. Hands up if you don’t want to watch that home video. (Both my hands are up.)

  • Legacy’s gradual fragmentation continued.

Mmmm. Smell that tension.

  • Then that guy who used to be in The West Wing and that kiddies alien show came on.

  • Then that same guy frightened Maryse with some impromptu pyro while she was speaking French. Maryse over-acted and then shouted some more in French. It was good.

She channelled that anger into demolishing Eve to secure her place in the final match of the Divas Title Tournament.

  • Vince McMahon proved he’s a pretty cool billionaire by vox-popping the real audience on why they thought he should bring Bret Hart back. Well he had to do something to cover the fact that he’d teamed black shoes, light grey trousers, charcoal shirt and tie and a dark maroony-brown jacket.

No, no, no.

Then John Cena made an epic speech where he told the boss off, implored Vince to take the moral high-ground, and made me love him that little bit more. Come on Cena-Haters, don’t pretend it wasn’t fantastic.

Seriously, how many jobs are there where you can tell your boss you're gonna punch his false teeth in?

  • Kofi Kingston tried to humble The Miz in the ring and succeeded. Then MVP came out and tried to humble Thw Miz in the fashion stakes and failed.

  • As the result of some technical mishap, Carlito was put in a match against Kelly Kelly. But you all know that men fake-fighting women is no longer permissable in the WWE, so Santino came out to take her place. Then Jack Swagger came out, hit Santino and did some push-ups next to him to show how strong he is. Kind of like this……

  • Gail Kim beat Alicia Fox to face Maryse for the Divas Title, as should rightly be. Then Alicia slapped Dulé Hill for incorrectly predicting that she’d win. He’s an actor on a show called Psych and he’s not even the psychic character. Silly girl. But then, I believe in astrology, so who am I to speak?

The show ended like this…………