smackdown(lite): d’amour, d’amour

Last week’s Smackdown was a rollercoaster. Some of it was fantastic, some of it made me want to poke my eyes out with a chopstick, and some of it left me crazy-confused. I shall do my best to cover all the bases.

As has become the norm of late, Batista was out first. But he didn’t have a sullen look on his face and mic in his hand. Ok, he did have the sullen  look on his face, but he was all ready for a match against Finlay. Yes. Finlay. Nice to see he’s returned to his natural hair colour now that, you know, Sheamus has made it less shameful to be a ginger.

It started off well but soon turned ugly when Dave took it outside the ring and got himself all DQ’d.  He then went on to use poor Finlay as a kick-bag. Messy.

Ok. Here comes the confusion part.  CM Punk. First of all, thanks to the people who messaged me all concerned-like about Punk, after last week’s Smackdown recap.  But let me just make it clear that I still like, no, LOVE CM Punk. I just don’t like the way his character has gone. And I realise that this is all being written very well, but I just don’t enjoy it. Maybe this will help:

I will admit that I was kind of tough on Punk last week. And by the time this show rolled around he seemed to have found his way to that bottle of shampoo I left in the bathroom for him. I’m tempted to say he even trimmed the beard, but I can’t be sure. While we’re on the topic of the face-mess. I would like to introduce Mr. Punk to Dominic D’Amour. He’s a Canadian hockey player who crashes into perspex for the Nottingham Panthers. This, CM PUNK, is how to do the perfect beard. Let Dominic help you groom yourself and all will be right with the world.

Also, his name means LOVE. That’s a name I’d be willing to take if we got married. And we totally should get married. ‘Cause he’s lovely and I love hockey. It’s a match made in heaven. Anyway, back to the hobo. Punk was feeling pretty proud of himself after having converted two crowd members in as many weeks to the Straight Edge lifestyle.  This time around, a lady wanted Punk’s attention and, no, if definitely wasn’t me. It appeared as though a random fan-girl from the audience had jumped the barrier in the hope of being saved. Of course, just like all those others cured of their toxic sins, she was dragged in from developmental. Serena, if that is her REAL name (actually it is) demanded that Punk save her from her life of pill-popping. He, in turn, agreed. It was very confusing to me. On the one hand, this storyline has been written rather well and watching Punk run his fingers through her hair made me feel tingly in southern places.

TOUCH. ME. TOO.

But I still miss the old CM Punk. I hope he comes back soon, groomed and sans the churchy rub.

Serena gave herself over to the Straight Edge way of life and left her beautiful hair on the canvas.

That’s the happiness of having a week away from FCW.

Moving on to some wrestling, John Morrison was to suffer the slings and arrows of a handicap match against Drew McIntyre and John Morrison. But as Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero are embrawled in a power struggle, Teddy popped up to announce that R-Truth would be giving Morrison a helping hand. Not a bad match but the best thing about it was Matt Striker’s disgust at good guys cheating to win. Heels cheating = no problemo, faces cheating = outrage. Shutup, Matt Striker. Even late-60’s throwbacks and hip-hop rejects have to make a living.

Time for some more rollercoaster stuff. The Divas’ segment on last week’s show was both great and awful. The fact that they were given a full in-ring setup to play out over some 10 minutes or so was great. That’s what I’ve been dying for. And Layla in particular was great. If nothing else, this whole storyline has propelled her up the ladder a few steps. All five ladies involved were fantastic. Mickie’s speech was fab. I may have cheered  and punched my fist to the air while she spoke.

But just as it was coming to an end, Mickie ended up being thumped by Lay-Cool and Beth Phoenix, and was covered in party food because, you know, she’s obese and hogs all the food at parties.

I get the joke. Really. I’m not stupid. But just like I get turned off by CM Punk’s pseudo-religious bit, I get annoyed with all this ‘fat’ stuff. It’s just a personal thing. I know lots of people LOVE where CM Punk’s character has gone. I don’t. Same with this story. So, more 10 minute set-ups to progress the storylines, but less bitchy girl-crap. I thank you. PS—-> If you thought it was an inappropriate storyline at the beginning, but think it’s ok now because it’s been written dramatically…you fail.

We needed a nonsense match to give everyone time to digest the stale party food provided by Team Lay-Cool, so we had Cryme Tyme vs a new-look Charlie Haas and Mike Knox. The match was interrupted by Kane, who threw all four dudes out of the ring and set his pyro a-flamin’. Seems like a lot of effort from a guy who’s……

I would like some more matches. What can you offer me in the way of a tag match, Smackdown? Matt Hardy and the Great Khali (meh) vs The Hart Dynasty (yeh). And just when I was thinking that Matt Hardy couldn’t get any more annoying, he busted out some horrible Bollywood moves to honour his partner.

Things were looking bleak for David and Tyson, so they sent Natalya round the side of the ring to distract Khali from the match with her sensuality. Men are dumb, right? Just hold your cropped pleather jacket open and peddle your boobs til he succumbs to your feminine charms.

Unfortunately, Natalya targeted the wrong partner and the Hart kids left the ring with their heads held down in shame. Had she only flashed lecherous Matt Hardy, things might have turned out differently.

All her fault, apparently.

Having delivered a definitely-maybe-no to Shawn Michaels earlier in the week, the Undertaker was more certain about the fact that he would be defeating Rey Mysterio at the Rumble to retain his title. Taker walked away, Rey called him back and Batista jumped in to assert some physical power over Rey. Then he walked off.

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2 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): d’amour, d’amour

  1. Hey Ray,

    Great work as usual – never fails to make me laugh.

    Keep up the good work, and the live blog thing will be very exciting tonight. Royal Rumble Sunday always is exciting!

    Again, great work.

  2. Panthers: YAY YAY YAY
    Matt bashing: Boo. Though he did look like a complete tard.
    I like the new Punk, as I have had a very long obsession, possibly even a fetish, for beards. I wasn’t so hot on the chest hair, it reminded me of Harry from SATC with his hairy back for some reason!

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