raw(lite): a spanner in the works

This week’s Raw was hosted by two movie stars nobody really cares about and the matches were nothing but filler while we head towards the Rumble. It was a joy.

Oh wait, you wanted more? Well…..ok then. If you insist.

Raw kicked off with Mr. McMahon on the mic, bleating about how he doesn’t regret kicking Bret Hart in the gut. He also compared Bret to chewing gum and gangrene. It was an odd little monologue, made even more peculiar by the appearance of The Undertaker.

Oooh blue lighting filters on Raw. How very progressive.

And to answer my dad’s question, Vince looks frightened because everyone’s frightened of Taker. The man can hurt people without even touching them. Anyway, it appeared that Vince hadn’t anticipated  that anyone who was actually in the arena for the infamous Montreal Screwjob would care enough to make comment. Taker proved him wrong.

HE REMEMBERED!

Mr. M. scuttled away, leaving Taker in the ring to address the thorny issue of whether he would give Shawn Michaels a Wrestlemania rematch at WM26. After making that long trek to Tennessee to delivery his decision in person, it must be a pretty huge announcement, right? Taker, will you be fighting HBK at Wrestlemania again?

Oh.

But he did offer Shawn the chance to beat him that night on Raw. Whaddaya say, HBK?

Oh.

Shawn just, couldn’t, let, it, go. So he vowed to enter the Royal Rumble, fight off 29 other men, win, then claim his shot at Taker’s title. Good luck with that.

Moving on to Raw’s regular No. 1 champ, Sheamus had a match against the loveliest jobber in the land, Evan Bourne.  Evan’s fortunes did not change this week, as this was just a vehicle to allow everyone’s favourite dickhead, Randy Orton, to prowl down the ramp and have a go at distracting the champ from his match. He did not succeed.

In response to my dad’s comment that  Sheamus will have to get rid of his silly hairstyle when he’s the champion”, that belt means he’s already the champion. I know. Hard to believe that such a relative newcomer is top of the food chain, Dad, but it’s true.

Backstage, HHH and Shawn Michaels were about to have a heart-to-heart.  Trips had something important to tell Shawn, but they were interrupted by the arrival of Don Johnson. He’s in a new film with John Heder. It’s ok. I didn’t care either. Carlito, however, was thrilled at being given a reason to appear on TV.

Booked.

Back in the ring, Jack Swagger was giving his new outfit with silvery cut-outs an airing, which was exciting until I realised he’d made a bad fake-tan job on his back.

I’ll forgive him though. Because I liked his new outfit. And I’m in a generous mood.

After last week’s shock defeat at the hands of Santino, Swagger wanted a rematch. It’s not Raw unless Santino gets to play dress-ups, so this week he appeared in full Miami Vice garb, which you should remember if you’re a child of the 80’s. And if you were born after the 80’s? I hate you for your youth but also pity you that you missed such an awesome decade. Santino didn’t want to mess up his Crockett coiffure, so he nominated Mark Henry to take his place in the match. It lasted mere seconds and ended like this:

The Bella Twins were involved in a match against Maryse two weeks ago, so they’re now back in the comfort of their corporate escort roles. They escorted ‘ode to cosmetic surgery’ Don Johnson and ‘annoying man who made one good film’ John Heder out to the ring and left them to fend for themselves in front of the Knoxville crowd. I can sum it up in one picture:

CROWD: "BOOOOOOO!"

The Miz showed up to give Heder a hand and, strangely, I found myself warming to Don Johnson. Sorry about the facelift gag, Don Johnson. You actually look pretty good for a 60 year-old. MVP came out to give Don some support and then Big Show came out for no particular reason and beat MVP up. Then Heder told Miz and Show they’d be tagging against DX later in the show. I was so happy…

From one tag match to another, we were back to the action with John Cena and Kofi Kingston vs Rhodes and DiBiase.  And as Raw was a family affair this week, my brother brought it to my attention that Cody Rhodes probably has the worst ring entrance in the company.  Watch it the next time you see Cody Rhodes. Seven little hops backwards, a coy look to the crowd and posture so slack it would make yoga teachers everywhere weep real tears.

Was this the greatest of matches? No. But it lasted longer than 30 seconds, which made it better than anything that happened during the first hour of the show. Also, John Cena was extremely animated throughout; which made my pants equally as animated.

And just to heap on the whole ‘Death of Legacy’ bit, Ted tried to help Cody to his feet but Rhodesy gave him the “Git yo hands offa me, biatch!” look. Bye, Legacy!

There was another backstage segment with John Heder. All you need to know is that it ended up with Heder being written into the tag match with ShowMiz against DX+Hornswoggle.

Lady-time. Melina injured herself a week earlier than was convenient, so even though there’s been a Divas tournament going on every week to decide who’ll be the new champ, they’re taking a week off from important competition.  Eve & Gail Kim fought Maryse and Alicia Fox. Eve took the win for the good gals by forcing Alicia to tap out.

Back in the guest-hosts’ office, Don Johnson told Kelly Kelly a nursery rhyme….

Then Heder ran in, puffing into a paper bag. This was followed by Triple H giving his father-in-law some sound advice on Bret Hart, and that was followed by more DX  jazz.

It wasn’t enough for Sheamus to have a squash match this week. Randy Orton needed one too and his jobber of choice was Chris Masters. Admittedly, Masters put up a better fight than Evan Bourne, but he still lost. And just to make it fair, Sheamus came out to distract Randy from his match too. Actually, he went a little further and kicked Randy in the face for good measure.

Last up, we had Miz, Big Show and John Heder vs DX+Hornswoggle. Don Johnson kept a close eye on proceedings from ringside. It went like this:

I have no words.

All show Trips had been trying to give Shawn a bit of news; said news being that he had plans to win the Royal Rumble. This threw a major spanner into Shawn’s plan to get his Undertaker match and, oh my, were his feelings hurt. Then John Cena showed up to declare his intention to win the Rumble, then Big Show dragged his carcass up off the mat to proclaim that he was going to win. HHH had heard enough and disposed of all three fellas over the top rope.  Then, for the first time in what felt like years, Motörhead cried out through the PA system.

I'm ready to play The Game again.

PS—–> Don’t forget that I will be taking part in a Live Blog for the Royal Rumble. You can join the discussion, leave comments or just read along by visiting Wrestlegasm.Com or LOLWresslin.Blogspot.Com during the live broadcast.

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