smackdown(lite): these vagabond shoes…

First off, an apology. I realise it’s been a while since I last did a full Smackdown recap. Everyday life takes priority. Sorry. Yes, Smackdown’s gone off the boil recently, but I hope that’ll sort itself out as we head down this road to Wrestlemania 26. It’s still my favourite brand, but it’s been a bit meh of late.

On Raw, Mike Tyson socked Chris Jericho in the chops.  Come Smackdown we had to believe that it really happened, so the make-up dept. got the purple facepaint out and stuffed some cotton-wool balls into Jericho’s cheek to get that nice, dental appointment slur going.

But just because Jericho had a sore face, it didn’t mean he could have a night off. He had a match with John Morrison to make it through.  That moved along at a reasonable pace but the Intercontinental Champion, still Drew McIntyre, wanted a closer look and came out to watch at ringside.

I see that Matt Striker's taken note of my declaration last week that I love linen suits. ALWAYS trying to impress me. Bless him.

I haven’t covered it, but there has been significant heat between Morrison and McIntyre over recent weeks. John Morrison did some more of his awful Scottish accent. I’m glad I skipped it. It was bad. This match, however, was pretty solid. Jericho won but as it wasn’t a N1C match we’re still none the wiser as to who will challenge McIntyre for the ICT. I know who Drew would like to kick the crap out of.

Looking back on the Raw recap, I was pretty mean to the Minneapolis crowd. Then again, I take none of it back.  They were rubbish. Although I’m not sure what’s worse… the obnoxious Minneapolis crowd or the deceased Green Bay crowd. Green Bay’s lust of life died with their Superbowl hopes. Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Right…. on to another reason why I’ve been dodging Smackdown recaps the past few weeks. CM Punk. The man I was so enamoured with for so long is tipping my affections the other way and it makes me rather sad. And let’s be clear here, it’s the character I find nauseating, not the person. I still think the real CM Punk is pretty wonderful.  The character has been comparing himself to God and trying to save people from their sins. Yeuch!

First of all, the beard is out of hand. I don’t mind a beard as long as it’s a) keep relatively short and b) nicely groomed. If you’ve found yourself looking in the mirror and seeing Charles Darwin or a homeless person looking back at you, it’s time to reach for razor. Next week I expect his toes to be sticking through the holes in his vagabond shoes.

Get that man on the left an electric shaver, some aftershave balm, some shampoo and possibly a bowl of soup.

Secondly, Luke Gallows is starting to piss me right off. Look at him there with his hatchet job t-shirt and nimble fingers read to fondle the ‘audience member’ they’re about to ‘save’. Gross!

Third gripe…. enough of the religious-bent stuff. It creeps me out. I avoid actual religious ranting at all times. That too creeps me out. I certainly don’t want to sit in front of Smackdown to be told I’m a sinner for having a beer. Well done, WWE. You tried to make everyone despise CM Punk and it worked. Even on me. Bastards!

Punk and Gallows were in a saving mood again, so they ‘randomly’ picked Trevor (if that is you real name) from the crowd and began washing away all the abuse he’s inflicted upon his body. The final stage of this ceremony is the head-shaving. Apparently it represents removing the past sins; which is why Gallows is bald. Nothing to do with the fact that he’s got the natural hairline of a man twice his age then.

AGAIN!

Ohhhh! Now I get why Punk’s beard is such a mess. He can’t wield a pair of hair clippers to save his life. Poor Trevor. It’s like that time I went to Supercuts to save money and they made such an awful job of my fringe it took six weeks before I could get it to fall in a straight line. Punk could totally get a job at that branch of Supercuts.

Let’s get back to the wrestling with a giant Number One Contenders tag match. It was The Hart Dynasty vs Cryme Tyme vs Great Khali and Matt Hardy vs Punk and Gallows. Not bad, as 8-man matches go, but I would have preferred to see The Hart Dynasty get a push. Wasn’t that supposed to be the pleasant by-product of bringing Bret Hart back? Anyway, Punk and Gallows won. At least there will be no time for saving sessions when they pop up on Raw. Too much guest host stuff to get through; especially tomorrow when two seemingly incompatible actors will slide references to their forthcoming movie into every segement.

On last week’s Smackdown, the Undertaker managed to floor both Rey Mysterio and Batista without even touching them. Now that’s a skill to put on your CV! He wasn’t even in the same building when he beat them up. Spooky shit! This week, he felt like making an appearance and trudged down to the ring to declare that he planned on collecting some more souls in 2010. Nice New Year’s Resolution, Takez! After all the magical stuff, Undertaker finally responded to Shawn Michaels’ call for a Wrestlemania rematch on 28th March. Except he didn’t. All this chit-chat lead to him saying he’d go to Raw on Monday to give his final decision. I think this pretty much gives the game away though:

Actually, that makes no sense. If he accepts the match, yeah, Taker may kill Shawn and he'll, therefore, rest in peeeeeace. But if Taker refuses the match, Shawn lives to fight another day. I'm overthinking this. I'll just do as the crowd did......WOOOOOOO!!!!! YEEEEEEAH!!!!!!! There you go.

Beth Phoenix and Mickie James had a pretty decent match, until Beth got DQ’d for wrapping Mickie around the ropes, then refusing to let go.  Eh, the crowd were so silent it was painful to watch anyway. Then Team Lay-Cool popped up and picked the meat off Ms. James’ trussed up body.  I’m pretty sure this will all come to an end at the Rumble.

The most criminally under-utilised man on the roster, Dolph Ziggler, has been having a mini-feud with Kane over the past fortnight. It has no major significance, but at least he’s back on the show on a weekly basis. But the most fabulous thing that’s happened to Ziggler since Christmas is the evolution of his hair-do. He comes out to every match like this…..

…. and ends every match like this.

And his matches tend to be short, so that’s quite an impressive feat. Boys with really curly hair who try to hide the fact that they’ve got really curly hair = ♥. I believe I now have my new number one Smackdown beau while Punk takes leave of his senses.

Now on to the main event, which is quite the cluster. Two weeks ago there was a Beat the Clock Challenge to determine who should be N1C for the Heavyweight title. But that all went pear-shaped when Rey Mysterio cheated and stopped big Dave from taking that N1C spot. Even nice boys cheat from time-to-time. Vickie Guerrero spotted this and forced Rey and Dave to fight again the following week. That should have settled it, right? Wrong. As previously mentioned, Taker interfered with the match from afar by way of magic and no winner was decided upon. So now it’s third time lucky, and this time it took place in a steel cage.

It was actually one of the better matches they’ve had and not just because it had a legitimate ending. Rey was a little thrown for a while when he realised he couldn’t execute the 619 in a cage.

Duh!

But being light on his feet, he was able to scamper over the top of the cage, slide down the outside and kick the door into Dave’s face as he dropped down. Clever! So that’s another match all set for the Royal Rumble. I’ll let you know what I’ll be doing for the Rumble later in the form of a spoken word message. Speak to you later. Fo realz.

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2 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): these vagabond shoes…

  1. its the same meh-ness of the show that makes it comedy material X3

    also.. ray i’ve been wondering… wouldnt be nice to have someone recap wwe superstars?? i know its short and nobody watches it, but if there’s a recap of it you would be finally covering the entire wwe activities

    and seriously, superstars has some nice potential to recap (though it would be short

    signed. roller, or… “the guy who seriously wants to join”

    • I can find comedy in a good show far easier than a bad show. The bad ones are just irritating to watch.

      Thanks for the suggestion but I doubt I’ll be adding a Superstars recap any time soon, unless they drastically change the format. It’s just three matches which don’t impact upon the storylines.

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