raw(lite): mister, i’m awesome

Several years ago I met a guy who quickly became a very good friend, and one of the first things he told me about himself was how much he loved Mike Tyson. At first, I was a little perturbed. No woman ever wants to hear a man plead hero-worship for an aggressive, volatile dude who was convicted of rape. But I soon realised he meant that he admired Tyson’s immense sporting achievements in spite of the difficult life he’d lead. Anyway, that ‘good friend’ ended up being my boyfriend, and as time went on I learnt more about Mike Tyson’s life than any woman should know. I wouldn’t say I hold any deep love or affection for Iron Mike exactly, but I do respect the fact that he’s trying to pay his bills in a low-key, clean-living manner, without the entourage who bled him dry. If Ric Flair can whore himself out to keep the wolves from the door, Mike Tyson can guest host Raw for cash. I will admit, some of the comments he made about women in the Tyson movie made my skin crawl and I still wouldn’t want to be alone in a room with him. But this week’s Raw took place in Minneapolis and I was all the way over here in snowy Wales, so it’s all good.

Authentic Welsh snow.

So Mike came out to rapturous applause but was swiftly interrupted by Sheamus, who believed he was the baddest man on the planet. Then Randy Orton came out to persuade Tyson to give him a title shot. I would suggest that after Randy Orton’s alleged antics in a Boston restaurant this week, maybe he’s the baddest man on the planet. Spitting gum in the face of a child? Really? I know you get tired and want to be left alone, but please be nice to the kids, even when they’re pestering you. They’re the ones who will scrape the money together for PPVs when they’re grown-ups.

Anyway, speaking of Bostonians, John Cena was back at work and full of beans. Love or loathe Cena, you have to admire his passion for the job. He had a week off to toss a coin out West and came back with a super-hyped-up promo. Do you know how long it look for me to be miserable at work after the Christmas holidays? 24 hours. Few people love going to work as much as John Cena and, even with a booing crowd, he still managed to keep smiling. What a pro! He, in turn, was interrupted by Kofi, who claimed to deserve a title shot on the grounds that he’d never had one before.

Sheamus demanded a light schedule for the Rumble, but Tyson felt he could work a little harder and put a Triple Threat Match in place to decide the N1C. Then Tyson went……………..

By the way, the sign behind Tyson reads 'SHEAMUS EAT A POTATO'. Because he's Irish. And they grow a lot of potatoes in Ireland. Get it? .......... URGGGGH. Imaginative.

You’ll likely remember that the Raw Divas are in a tournament to decided who will take the Divas Title in Melina’s injured absence. Maryse was already through, so now it was time for Alicia Fox and Kelly² to battle it out for advancement. I’ll cut to the chase… Alica won. I was so upset about how gorgeous Kelly looked in her zebra print two-piece, I couldn’t concentrate on the match.

Kill me.... ME. Not her.

Leading up to the Royal Rumble, a whole bunch of guys have nothing to do. There’s no point in starting new feuds until it’s over, so there are a few pointless matches to be had. Rhodes and DiBiase vs Mark Henry and Evan Bourne fell into that category, though any appearance from the formerly Priceless boys now gets me pumped for the destruction of Legacy. Also, whenever Mark Henry wants to give a demo of how he won the World’s Strongest Man competition is fine by me; especially when his dumbbell of choice is Cody Rhodes.

Cody managed to wriggle out of this precarious situation, pinning Evan Bourne for the win.

Shawn Michaels was on a roll. Having made peace with one former foe the previous week, he wanted to clear the air with Mike Tyson too. Unfortunately, Mike wasn’t being paid as much as Bret Hart, so he declined the hand of friendship. The germ that just won’t die, Chris Jericho, reappeared and claimed to have been given a free pass to roam around the halls of Raw as he pleased. He just had to win the match Mike had set up for later in the show. And who was this match to include? It was DX vs Chris Jericho and……………

WHAT? A heel guest host? So very rare. And Michael Cole was certainly excited.

Put a tie on, scruffbag.

Remember what I was saying about this being a difficult time to start  new feuds? Yeah. Jack Swagger fell victim to that too. He came out, claimed to be the future winner of the Rumble and then challenged anyone in the locker room to take him on. By the way….

Dear Minneapolis,

Shouting WHUT? WHUT? WHUT? after every in-ring promo by every wrestler apart from Randy Orton just makes you sound like dirtbags. Don’t do it.

Kind regards

Ray x

PS—–> Good luck, Brett Favre. I still love you.

The ‘All-Italian Italian’ (Canadian) Santino took up Swagger’s challenge. Wanna guess who won?

Now we’re back to the beginning. On its own, the whole ‘Randy Orton Spat in my Face’ thing is just nonsense that will fade soon enough. But coupled with Randy Orton’s behaviour in the Triple Threat Match, the boy’s not doing himself any favours. The match was rolling along nicely with all three getting a fair crack of the whip. Sheamus showed up at the top of the ramp to cause general distraction. Then, even though it made no sense, Rhodes and DiBiase interfered by taking Cena and Kingston out. This left Randy free to punch his fists into the canvas all IED-like and finish it by sticking the RKO on Kofi. Simple. The problem was that Kofi lost his footing and mildly botched the RKO. It happens. But Randy, being the perfectionist he is, began shouting “STUPID!” in Kofi’s direction and used some very kiddie unfriendly expletives right in front of the camera. You know, I could have saved myself the trouble of writing this paragraph and just posted this instead:

When Wrestlegasm.com launched around Wrestlemania 25 time, I hated Randy Orton. But after watching WM I changed my mind. So here we are on the road to WM26 and I finally remember why the guy grated on me in the first place. COME ON, SHEAMUS!

Let’s move on before I come up with some choice expletives of my own. Over in Mike Tyson’s office, the bad man frightened the little man….

…. and then The Miz suddenly became rather handsome.

What's wrong with me? Seriously.

He verbally bashed MVP, which prompted an appearance from Montel himself. Looks like MVP’s been raiding Teddy Long’s wardrobe.

Expensive does not equal stylish. You can’t buy style. Wait…..

Actually, it was a pretty nice promo. It got me a bit excited for their feud.  Nicely done.

Back to the ladies and the Divas Title tournament, with Eve vs Katie Lea. Tricky. My allegiance should have been with the Brit, but I kind of love Eve, so I hoped she’d win. Eve took it without too much trouble, but the gem of this segment was Maryse on commentary. I love her a little bit more every week and she came out with a few genius phrases, including “Oh My God! Michael Cole, you vintage nerd!”, “Mister, I’m awesome.” and “This is so boring. I should just get in the ring.” Just a quiet word in the ear of Jerry Lawler though. Unless you’re in a sexy-times situation with a woman, never say…….

It's just creepy.

OK. Rewind to the end of last week’s show where Vince McMahon double-crossed Bret Hart by pretending he liked him, following the pleasantries with a kick to the gut. Vince came out and claimed to have banished Mr. Hart from the WWE forever. Something tells me Bret will find a way. By the way……

Dear Minneapolis,

Shouting BORING! BORING! BOOOOORING! just because somebody’s not having their head kicked in at that very moment, doesn’t make it boring. This part’s the set-up for the rest of the story, fools.

Kind regards

Ray x

Main event time! Michaels challenged Taker to a rematch at Wrestlemania 26 (which I think is stupid, but whatever) then they cracked on with the match. I’ll just cut to the end. Tyson whipped out his DX t-shirt, turned on Jericho and left Shawn to pin the banished one for the match.  You really have to go now, Jericho. Seriously. GO! And just to finish it all off, Tyson brought his son into the ring for the DX crotch chop. Well, if you can’t pull a few strings when you’re Mike Tyson’s son, when can you?

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One thought on “raw(lite): mister, i’m awesome

  1. As a ‘Down South’ Minnesotan who was unlucky enough not to go to Raw, I have to say, that’s just how MN rolls. We give cheap pops when anyone says ‘Go Vikings.’

    I went to the last Smackdown that was in MN, and basically the same thing happened, except it was with R-Truth.

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