ecw(lite): don’t worry my child, i have not forsaken you…

I’m back. yes I realise that most of you won’t have even noticed the lack of ECW recaps, but real life got in the way for a while over Xmas. So, what’s happened over the last few weeks?

1. General Manager (and, quite possibly, the “Insatiable One” Brett Anderson sang about) Tiffany introduced the ECW Homecoming tournament to crown a Number 1 Contender to face Christian at the Royal Rumble. This tournament featured current ECW stars and previous ECW Champions fighting for a place in next week’s Battle Royal (well, tomorrow actually due to laziness on my part.)

“Tiffany is 110% fit. Brett & Tiffany 4 Ever…”

Previously Kane, Vance Archer, Evan Bourne, Matt Hardy, Yoshi Tatsu and Ezekiel Jackson have all qualified, so tonight sees the last two places being filled.

2. The Ruthless Roundtable continued to fall apart, leaving us at the point (after more double-crosses than Terry Funk has on his ranch) where Ezekiel Jackson and William Regal are together, and Kozlov has been dismissed as the weak link.

3. Tommy Dreamer was retired by Zack Ryder. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Tommy Dreamer, but he obviously loves the business (and his new @THETOMMYDREAMER twitter account is pretty amazing)

Anyway, on with the show – and who do we have opening the show? ECW Champion Christian – and everyone loves Captain Charisma don’t they? Nobody would consider interrupting him while he’s giving one of his little promos would they?

Oh, of course...

Everyone’s favourite crotch (and by everyone I mean one particular Welsh girl) and hairy preacher CM Punk is on ECW this week (along with reformed retard Luke Gallows) to fight The World’s Soggiest Man Mark Henry for the last slot in the Homecoming Battle Royal. For those of you who care about these things, we’ll get to the colour of his trunks later on. For now, I would just like to point out that CM Punk seemed slightly on the “tired and emotional” side for his promo, blurting out lines like:

Looks like all Punks, this one's actually partial to cheap cider

Match one, and it’s the penultimate Homecoming qualifier between Shelton “Support Breast Feeding” Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero. But first, it’s time for one of the empty boasts that the WWE seems to be so fond of.

No! Really? WORLD Wrestling Entertainment ran more shows in Europe than the US NATIONAL Basketball, Hockey, Baseball & Football organisations?

To introduce the match is the new(ish) ECW ring announcer, Savannah. She’s still pretty green, but she makes the effort at least – when the last time you saw Tony Chimel or Justin Roberts dress up to co-ordinate with the competitors?

Shelton’s always worth watching, and Chavo’s probably just happy not to be stuck with Hornswoggle, so this match was pretty enjoyable, if quite short. Predictably, Shelton won to join the Homecoming Battle Royal tomorrow. But Chavo got to wrestle Brian Danielson before Raw last week so he can’t complain too much. Now there is only one spot left in the Homecoming, to be filled by either CM Punk or Mark Henry.

Who is that mystery man? Sarge? Rosemary the Telephone Operator? Mark Henry?

After a brief video recap of Tommy Dreamer’s retirement last week, Zack Ryder came out with Rosa Mendes and literally wasted a few minutes talking some nonsense about how he “stopped the heart” and “destroyed the soul” of ECW. I wonder what Tommy Dreamer thinks about Zack Ryder now?

Really… you should be following @THETOMMYDREAMER

Time for yet another chapter in the ongoing love triangle that is the Ruthless Roundtable. Ezekiel Jackson (accompanied by the ever-dapper William Regal) going up against Vladimir Kozlov. I’m beginning to think that the real reason Jackson hates Kozlov is because Kozlov’s dressing gown says “Sambo” on the sleeve. He might as well have a Robinson’s Marmalade Gollywog pinned to his shorts…

Now, perhaps unsurprisingly, this wasn’t the best match of the night. But justice prevailed and the Guyanese Goliath defeated the Racist Russian, following which Regal took the opportunity to let Kozlov know he’s a disgrace, and that they were finished with him. Hopefully they are finished with him, and Regal and Jackson can move on to someone slightly more talented to feud with.

Finally it’s time to watch a Raw Superstar take on a Smackdown Superstar in an ECW  main event (because obviously nobody would tune into ECW just to watch ECW guys wrestling.)  Let’s get the whole “What colour trunks was Punk wearing” issue out of the way straight away.


Interestingly, I’m surprised that Luke Gallows doesn’t have a CM Punk beanie hat; because I do, and I’ve never even met the bloke…

Another fun match, playing off the strength of Henry compared to the speed and kicks of Punk, and ended with a well done interference from Gallows that wasn’t as much of an insult as these things so often are. Despite Mark Henry “hulking up” towards the end, Punk managed to get the win and the last slot in the Battle Royal (come on, did you really think Mark Henry was going to fit in that little silhouette?)

Don’t they make a lovely couple?

Favourite Fan this week? Well, much as I enjoyed the mildly dated “Jelly Belly Layfield” sign somebody had inexplicably brought along, it was nothing compared to the DX-loving Marvin the Martian.