I’ve told you what I think of the serious stuff relating to this past Monday’s wrestling junket. Now it’s time I got back to the less weighty business of ridiculing my heroes. Yeah, I know I skipped all the recaps last week. I had time to do Raw early on Monday evening, but by that time everyone was vomiting up their lunch in anticipation for the new Monday Night Wars, so I figured nobody would give a shit anyway.
Raw’s guest host was errrm…… wait, I got this…… it was….. ummmm…… oh yeah, Bret Hart. Assuming that really was him and he didn’t send a hologram version of himself, The Hitman made his way to the ring, delighted the crowd and called Shawn Michaels out. WHEEEE! So exciting. So potentially contentious and violent.
But no. Twelve years have passed and it’s time for these veterans of the game to face each other in a gentlemanly fashion . What’s that, you say? They must surely have met beforehand to hash-out how the show might work? Of course not. Why… that would suggest this is all worked out in advance. Don’t be so ridiculous.
So they talked it out for a while, barbs were thrown, a handful of bad memories were dragged up from the mental trenches but, ultimately, they were ready. They were ready to bury those bad memories in the trenches and leave them there for good. They owed it to both their legacies. So moving. Ah no! I’m welling up. Tissue, please.
Actually, I kid, but I did feel a pang of something in my chest during that handshake. And no, it wasn’t indigestion from that last tub of Christmas Twiglets I found at the back of the cupboard. Being the overly-emotional gal I am, I felt a genuine sense of peace and comfort knowing that everything was ok again. Then they hugged the awkwardest of hugs, Shawn left and Bret called foe number two out for a little chat. Vince appeared to be otherwise engaged. Being the cheeky little roving reporter he is, Josh Matthews was already at Mr. McMahon’s office waiting for a soundbite on why he failed to respond to Bret Hart’s call-out.
Melina’s picked up a nasty achilles injury and will be out for several months. Sad times for Melina; not only because she’s in severe pain but also because she has to hand the Divas title back. Everyone felt they deserved the belt, so the only fair way to settle it was to start a tournament. The first round involved my favourite lady-heel, Maryse, against Brie Bella. Clearly Bret Hart has no use for a couple of paid escorts, so the Bellas were given their day job back and got themselves in the ring. FINALLY! Although, I think you can guess how this match went.
As Lady MaMa left the arena, she was passed on the ramp by The Miz, all trendy of clothes and new of theme tune. He spat out some dubious French, bigged himself up and continued on to his seat next to Jerry Lawler at the announce table. Miz wanted to keep his eye on the United States Championship N1C match between Carlito, Mark Henry, MVP and a super-tanned Jack Swagger. The match itself was pretty solid, but I was distracted by Miz’s random comments about how he watched last week’s Raw back on TiVo with Spencer Pratt. He relayed Pratt’s comments as if they actually count for something. If Spencer Pratt suddenly came up with a cure for cancer or world hunger I’d still not apply any credence to his thoughts. Then again, it’s not surprising that they’re such good pals. I called that months ago. Oh, MVP won the match, so that’s several weeks of Miz trying to get into MVP’s VIP Lounge, failing, then pretending he’s too cool for the VIP Lounge anyway.
Backstage, Chris Jericho was still trying to stay on Raw, even though he’d been banished a couple of weeks before. Big Show was still sad about it, but Chris had a cunning plan. He went to see the GM, tried to stir up some new friction between Bret and Shawn, and made an attempt at getting their feud started again by calling upon their own friendly history. Bret wasn’t buying it and told Jericho he’d have to win his match against DX all by himself and without the help of any Canadian hands.
Triple H, Hornswoggle, Shawn Michaels and Santino plugged the new WWE action figures. It was actually kind of funny. Know why it was funny? Because it was a few moments of silliness balanced out by some serious and very cool stuff in the rest of the show. See? Told you it was a well-planned Raw.
Anyway, JeriShow and DX had their match, ending with some Sweet Chin Music to Jericho’s chops and a pin from Trips. This means Jericho has to leave Raw now, right? ‘Cause they seem to have tried to pull that off for weeks.
Vinnie Mac was still hiding out in his office, but someone wanted a chat. Who dared to demand Mr. McMahon’s ear?
Oh hai, Randy Orton. I totally forgot about you with all this Bret Hart hullabaloo. Randy Orton loves saving Vince from the wrath of angry old-timers. He stepped in to act as a human shield when Roddy Piper wanted a scuffle with Vince a couple of months ago. Now he’s offering to help with The Hitman. Yet, he spent months trying to destroy the McMahons. What gives, Randy Orton? It turned out Randy wanted the coveted #30 spot at the Royal Rumble. Seems a fair trade, but the boss was having none of it and told Randy never to darken his door again. Then Randy pretended to punch the wall. If it’s any consolation, sweets, I think the #30 spot belongs to Edge. But that’s just a random theory I plucked out of the air, based only on the fact that I really miss Edge.
I skipped last week’s recap but I figure you watched it anyway, so you don’t need me to tell you that Legacy’s long-awaited demise began when Randy sat and watched as Ted and Cody fought it out with the risk of being chucked out the clique hanging over their heads. Ted and Cody were most upset by this and, while they all gathered at the baby-oil station, they informed their illustrious leader that they would do the same for his match against against Kofi Kingston later in the show.
Back in the ring, Sheamus mouthed off about his title belt, while Evan Bourne challenged him to put the title on the line right there and then. You’ve got to admire the kid’s confidence. Unfortunately, Sheamus crushed the little guy without too much hassle. Pretty brutal. Although, more disturbing to my eyeballs was the fact that Evan managed to tan his face a different colour to the rest of his tangerine body.
By the way, if you’re wondering where John Cena was this week, he was away on very important business. He was the Grand Marshall of the Fiesta Bowl Parade and the chief coin tosser at the actual bowl-game. If you don’t know what that means you’re either not American or not a British person who’s had to learn what it means to survive American life. In America, being on a university sports team is not just a legitimate excuse to skip a few lectures and play touch-rugby in front of your girlfriend and her mates. Oh no. It’s big business. Although, the players themselves don’t get paid….. well, maybe…… no, that’s for a different blog. Their payment is education and the hope of a career in pro-sports.
Anyway, around New Year time, the best college football teams all battle it out in bowl-games with very silly names. John Cena started the Fiesta Bowl and he did a great job of it. Although, I only think that because I picked Boise State to win and it got me a little closer to winning some money. Also, John looked mighty fine in his bespoke suits, which is a triumph because he’s worn some pretty bad ones over the years.
Anyway, let’s get back to wrestling. You know, it’s not often Randy Orton looks worried before a match. He’s a confident bloke. He’s headlined Wrestlemania. But there was a lot riding on this match. Faced with the fact that he may be ousted from Legacy, I’m pretty sure I saw his bottom lip quivering; especially when Rhodes and DiBiase gave him evils from ringside.
Luckily for The Viper, he managed to win the match. But his days as chief dick-head are numbered and not a moment too soon.
Almost two hours had passed since Bret Hart called Vince McMahon out without response, which gave Vince some time to come up with a plan of attack. The plan was to brush the whole thing off, thank Mr. Hart for his contributions and look ahead to the follow week’s excitement. This, of course, was all a little too easy and while Vince addressed the audience, Bret stepped down to the ring to have his say. It was a long and engrossing conversation which sucked me in so deeply I found myself nodding along and gently smiling during those touching moments of reconciliation. But then…….
Oh, come on. Don’t pretend you wanted a happy ending. You totally wanted a bit of badness to end the show. And if you really did want it to be all hugs and kisses, then I say this…….
But in case you’re worried about The Hitman, have no fear. As soon as they went off the air, the rest of the roster came out to pat him on the back. Here’s the video, which I’m sticking in because I get a lady-boner seeing wrestlers in civilian clothes. Points of note:
- Natalya and David’s genuine family pride is very cute.
- Jack Swagger looks rather dapper in his linen suit. I love linen suits.
- Carlito looks like a backing dancer from an 80’s music video.
- Jericho is still in his trunks, despite his match ending ages ago.
- I’m going to hire the Divas to teach me how to walk down-hill in 6″ heels. They’re such pros.