smackdown(lite): monster love

This week’s Smackdown began with some shilling. Batista’s got a new t-shirt and so he came out sporting the Randy Orton look.

Dave was also in a selfish mood, letting the crowd know that he couldn’t care less about their constant booing. He informed them that he doesn’t need anyone and gets by quite nicely by himself. Well duh, Dave. You walk alone. We know that. After requesting a spotlight, he went on to bad-mouth the Undertaker and vowed to claw the title belt back at TLC.

Once Dave had vacated the ring, CM Punk and Luke Gallows entered and it seems Matt Striker knows something we don’t. Apparently CM Punk is Smackdown’s Surgeon General. I see. In that case……

And yes, that patient is me.

In another exercise in reverse psychology shopping tactics, Punk continued to berate Jeff Hardy’s DVD and basically suggested that anyone who allowed their child to watch it should expect a visit from Social Services. Then he stamped on it and ordered Gallows to do the same.

R-Truth and Matt Hardy, their opponents for the evening, had a response. They countered Punk’s moral sermon by handing free copies of said DVD out to the crowd from their “bag of magic”. Truth rapped his way out to the ring as Hardy played Father Christmas. Punk added his own lyrics to the rap, proclaiming that Straight Edge was ‘what’s up’! He implored the crowd not to accept the poisonous presents, but it was no use; they were already under the spell of ‘free stuff’. I know it well.

The nonsense gushing out of Punk’s mouth just wouldn’t let up, so Truth thumped him on the head with the microphone.

So this was Luke Gallows’ first official match and it was a pretty solid one. Even Matt Hardy looked good… until Gallows put the most homo-erotic finisher in the business on him and took it for himself and the Saviour.

Speaking of homo-erotica, the backstage exchange between Kane and Mike Knox was loaded with it. On the surface, it appeared that they were talking about wrestling, but the sexual chemistry between them was impalpable and what they were really saying was…….

But Kane’s shame kicked in and he clasped his big monster hands around Knox’s neck. Of course, being the creepy weirdo he is, Knox went on to discuss the euphoric enjoyment that some people garner from partaking in sexual asphyxiation fetishes. (Watch my internet traffic take a very sinister turn this week. *shudder*)

Vickie Guerrero and Eric Escobar’s break-up was just as messy this week, with neither wanting to retreat to the classy position of “the bigger person”.  Vickie put Eric in a match against Chris Jericho, which became a handicap match to include the Big Show once it was under way. Eric was demolished and conveniently left JeriShow in the ring to promote the PPV.

Drew McIntyre was back in his supermarket slacks and, as per usual, he wasn’t happy.  But this time he was extra aggravated.  Drew’s general feeling was that John Morrison’s chances of beating him at TLC were about as likely and realistic as the Loch Ness Monster and Mel Gibson’s portrayal of William Wallace in Braveheart. This was just begging for a response from John Morrison and holy hell did we get one. I was sorely tempted to change this week’s Smackdown recap and write it only on this segment. The scope for mockery was so huge my brain almost couldn’t take it. But I knew all the Punk fanatics would be up in arms, so normal service has remained.

How exactly did John Morrison respond to McIntyre’s Scottish musings? Like this……

Bahaha. Ah yes, there’s nothing more hilarious than ripping the piss out of someone’s heritage. John Morrison wandered into that territory that I usually reserve for reality TV – so bad, it’s good. His accent started in Scotland but seemed to travel all over Europe before settling on a Hollywood interpretation of Scottish. There were “blow me bagpipes” gags, there was inappropriate gum chewing and there was a cavalcade of innuendo-laden sword wielding.

John dropped both the sword and the accent and chased McIntyre out of the ring. See that cut on Morrison’s eyebrow? That’s John’s allegedly poetic and highly intelligent brain trying to escape his skull in shame.

Who wants to watch some Monster Love? No? Me neither, but it happened so I’d better cover it if only to gush over how much I love when Striker tells Grisham to read a book once in a while. Although, admittedly a book on sado-masochism is probably best avoided. And if you’re still not as enamoured with Matt Striker as I am, in reviewing the two fighters’ earlier asphyxiation conversation, he mentioned David Carradine and Michael Hutchence. I thought of doing that, then bottled it. Striker is brave, I am a wimp. So there, doubters. Oh and Kane chokeslammed Knox for the match. But Knox probably enjoyed that.

Mickie James and Maria tagged against Michelle McCool and Layla in preparation for Mickie’s title match against McCool at tonight’s PPV. It was fairly uneventful apart from the fact my love for Matt Striker was tested once again when he suggested that should start selling the Piggie James t-shirts. He said he’d like to wear one. Although, not the camisole vest type ones. You know, I would be willing to overlook the awful slogan if Striker wore one of those tiny little vests. Love is blind. Love is blind. Love is blind.

Just imagine......

Mickie and Maria won. I expect the Mickster to recapture the Women’s title tonight.

Batista needed a warm-up before his chair match against Taker at TLC and Rey Mysterio wasn’t up to much, so they had a match.  Ironically, it was better than their Survivor Series match. MUCH better. It wouldn’t do much for a super-heel’s ego if he lost in his last match before a title shot, so the natural order of things dictated that Dave must win and win convincingly.

After the bell ding-ding-dinged, we witnessed the return of the chair necklace. We haven’t seen that for months. Not since Punk and Jeff.

I'm pretty sure the Freedom at TopShop brand does them. Hint-hint.

But the natural order of things also dictates that the good guy needs to jack up the hero-worship before a PPV, so the lights went down, Mysterio vanished and the Undertaker appeared as if from nowhere to put his challenger in his place with some wicked sucker-punches. I knew those MMA gloves would come in handy at some point.

Catch you on the other side of a few ladders,some chais and a collection of card tables.


7 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): monster love

  1. Who are the other Punk fanatics of which you speak? lol
    Did you watch WWE Superstars? Dolph was a delightfully absurd shade of Oompa Loompa orange, not unlike the awesome shade of nail polish I found at the drugstore.
    Its so sad that neither Punk nor Ziggler is on the PPV:(
    At least I have Christian!

  2. have u ever noticed that McIntyre’s mouth is Diagonal? I mean, even moreso than Jericho’s smile, or Kozlov’s odd expression . . .

    It looks like McIntyre has had some sort of stroke or something?!

  3. I am so glad someone else has finally mentioned Gallow’s finisher – it damned near makes me blush every time I see it. He’s only playing straight edge to get in Punk’s lilac bottoms methinks 😉

    • No, no, no. They’re LAVENDER. Not lilac. You’re obviously rather new here. I will offer a reminder of this in the next and much anticipated chapter of Crotch Watch. It will be my Christmas present to the Wrestlegasm faithful. 🙂

      • I am a relative noob, and possibly the person here least interested in the content or colour of Punk’s Trunks (see, there’s a new concept for an item already, I belong here clearly lol). It strikes me that I have made a grave faux pas in my efforts at identifying the shade in question for which I can only apologise and grovel profusely 🙂

        I look forward to the crotch related festivities already, I’m sure as a read it will be lengthy and deeply satisifying eye-opener 😉

        (is this not the Carry On……. blog? Dammit!)

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