raw(lite): the seven year itch

I watched this week’s Raw at approximately 37,000ft on a 52” HD TV, sat in the plush leather seats of my private jet, while chowing down on the finest cuisine imaginable and sipping on the most expensive champagne on earth.

In the real world, I did indeed watch Raw at 37,000ft. Unfortunately, I was watching it on my 4 year-old laptop’s 17” screen, was sat in some well worn pleather seats at the back of economy, was chowing down on Chinese chicken and egg fried rice with an identity crisis and drank tonic water…. because I refuse to pay for gin on a flight that was already very nicely priced. I was especially against paying for any extras after the airline charged me an additional $55 just for checking a second bag on an INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT! You suck, US Airways. On the plus side, the plane was only about two-thirds full, so there was plenty of room to spread out. Wait…. they had all those empty seats and they STILL charged me more money for a half empty hold-all? Mercenary sods! Anyway, here’s my photographic evidence…..

…… and here begins the Raw recap.

This week’s show came from Dallas and was guest hosted by Mark Cuban; owner of the Dallas Mavericks, part-owner of HDNet, all-round business guru and former Dancing with the Stars contestant. So, you can imagine which accolade impressed me the most. Cuban is quite an exuberant character and promised to be a stellar guest host but, quite frankly, after last week’s show it only had to be passable to look fabulous. After introducing himself and putting his stamp on the show, Cuban announced that John Cena and Sheamus would be meeting in a press-conference type confrontation later in the show. And then, because he’s all about giving the people what they want, he brought the champ out for a warm-up match against Carlito.

It appeared that Carlito had jobbed his last job to Cena last week. Most were pretty sure he was about to be wished well with his future endeavours. Not so. He came back for more. As John was disposing of Carlito once more, Sheamus showed up with the intention of interfering. But Mark Cuban, who happened to be watching from ringside with The Bellas, cut him off at the pass to avoid any early pummeling. This triggered the release of several security monkeys in black golf shirts to protect the billionaire. Montgomery Burns releases the hounds at the touch of a button, Mark Cuban has a constant supply of security monkeys.

Now you know what Matt Striker does on his day off.

This out-of-ring action only served to distract John from his match, giving Carlito a rare moment of superiority. It didn’t last. John stuck the Attitude Adjustment on him and finished it, which pleased the boss.

By the way, what are The Bellas now? WWE's resident escorts, pimped out to every guest host to use as they wish?

Speaking of pimps and subservient attendees……………..

Randy wanted a word in Cuban’s ear. He still can’t let go of the idea that he’s due another title shot. Dude. Seriously. You’ve had loads! He even threatened Cuban with a repeat of what happened in 2003 (RKO).

So much money, such bad hair. Doesn't compute.

Cuban wasn’t budging and ordered that Randy take Kofi Kingston on again that night with himself as the guest referee.  Cody Rhodes bad-mouthed the Mavs and went on to challenge Cuban to a match. No dice! And just to exert his authority even further, he put Randy’s two rent boys in a match against Evan Bourne *sigh* and Primo. Sadly, the bad boys were too much for our facey heroes and took the match. Cuban wasn’t happy and so decided to bring his security monkeys back out to eject them from the building. Now that’s some serious power. I wonder if he does that in everyday life. Like, if his maid misses a spot while polishing the sideboard.

You know, Raw hasn’t been the same since Lillian Garcia left. Justin’s a good guy, but Lills managed to steady the ship that is HMS Raw and be a beacon of calm in the chaos. I miss having a sultry voiced lady at the helm. Oh. Wait. They’ve found a replacement.

Maybe not.

Maryse and Gail Kim had a decent but impossibly short match, letting us all know that Maryse was indeed back and coming after Melina’s Divas title. Kelly announced the healed one as the winner, but that wasn’t enough for Maryse. She wanted to be known as ‘the next Divas champion’. Kelly refused to say it, there was a load of pushing and shoving, then Maryse started beating K² up. Thankfully for our newest ring announcer, Melina ran out to save her perfectly tanned skin and Maryse scuttled away.

What? That's what friends do. I'd want her to tell me if my tights were laddered or if my skirt was tucked in my knickers. It's girlie code.

DX did a paid advertisement for their Christmas themed merchandise, Hornswoggle launched his own illegal version of the DX t-shirt, there was some general Star Wars discussion, the tree was trashed, arguments ensued, punches were thrown and…. oh it sounds exactly like Christmas at my house.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler confirmed the exciting news that Sky Sports had extended their contract to broadcast WWE activities in the UK for a further five years. Great stuff! Until Michael Cole said “I know the United Kingdom is keeping its eye on one of its countrymen, that’s Ireland’s Sheamus.” Oh Michael Cole. Do you do these things on purpose?

Next, we had Kofi vs Randy, with Mark Cuban guest-reffing. With Rhodes and DiBiase ejected from the arena, there was no chance of any interference. It turned out to be a pretty good match. Who would’ve thought wrestling on a wrestling show would be such a big hit? AMAZING! Randy Orton’s continued fall from grace perpetuated as Kofi pinned him and Cuban called it. This feud carries on at TLC.

Aww. Don't cry! 😦 *HUGZ*

The Miz and Mark Henry had a match for the United States Championship but I have nothing to say on that. The Miz kept the belt. That’s it. I did do a Miz impression when the lady at the check-in desk told me I had to pay that extra $55 for my luggage. Take note kids: saying REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? in someone’s face is annoying and does not win their favour. Anyway, all these real wrestling matches on Raw are messing with my head. Although, the remnants of my jetlag might have something to do with that.

Next a second round of Diva action. Good lord, Raw, what are you? TNA? I’m so confused. Pleased, but confused. While we waited for the arrival of Eve, Hornswoggle, Jillian and Chavo, we got a peek at Chris Masters having a chat with Mark Cuban. Wow! Chris Masters with clothes on. A revelation!

Eve and Jillian carried the match beautifully, with Eve winning it for herself and Hornswoggle. But things got messy when Chavo tried to do some damage to Horny after the match was over. Chris Masters jumped in the ring, pulled his shirt off and flexed his pecs with the same confrontational passion as the New Zealand rugby team doing the Haka. Then he put Chavo out of action and endeared himself to Eve. Uh-oh. Jack Swagger won’t be pleased with Masters moving in on his crush. Never trust your lady alone with a man who has dancing pectorals. It makes us go a bit silly.

See that look on Eve's face? That's how I look ALL the time while watching wrestling.

As decided last week, Chris Jericho had to face DX all by himself which, as you might expect, was a tall order for the little fella. Big Show couldn’t stand idly by as his buddy got beaten up, so he came to the rescue, starting it off by nutting Michaels. They have a TLC match on Sunday so various, large climbing implements were brought out to finish the job. I particularly enjoyed the DX panini they assembled.

Now on to the finale – the opportunity for John Cena and Sheamus to say whatever they like about each other before their big title match on Sunday.   There was a lot of chatter, but basically it went like this.

After the carnage, Mark Cuban decided he wasn’t going to stand for this young punk taking over his show. Bad move. After much pacing back and forth from one leg to the other, Sheamus kneed that foolish billionaire in the belly and slammed him through a table. Then some random basketball players chased Sheamus up the ramp and John took his top off.

John does his best thinking with his top off. And so do I. Wait, I mean I think better when JOHN'S shirtless. Not when I'M shirtless. Never mind.

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10 thoughts on “raw(lite): the seven year itch

  1. Great recap, love the pictures and comments. Hilarious stuff, especially the picture of Eve. You almost made the show watchable!! And considering how bad it was, that’s cool, to quote Carlito. Hopefully the PPV doesn’t suck tomorrow.

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    • I actually thought that, as Raw goes, it was one of the better ones. Cuban was a strong guest host and at least they pulled out to some decent matches, which is a vast improvement on last week.

      Thanks for reading and for the great feedback!

  2. Another legendary recap – particularly love the JC/Sheamus section, or as I prefer to call him, Whitey McGingerface 🙂

    Cuban at least had some energy and enthusiasm about the whole shebang. I also think he deserves kudos for the table spot as that looked pretty forceful to me and he sold it better than half the roster!

    Hope you manage to catch SD – particularly the spectacular Morrison/McIntyre promo 😉

  3. When I see Sheamus, I always think that’s what Mythbusters Adam Savage would look like if he had pursued a career in hurting people rather than blowing things up.

  4. I like that you called Mr Masters “Christ Masters” lol!

    I thought that was the image that punk was shooting for?

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